A NOTE FROM THE EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
By Wm. Steven Humphrey
Dear Readers:
On this, the Mercury‘s one-year anniversary,
I’d like to congratulate myself on having produced one of the finest newsweeklies
in the nation–but I can’t. It’s become excruciatingly apparent that
the Mercury has strayed from being a haven for intelligent and uplifting
stories to a thinly veiled porno-rag spilling over with incoherent, drug-induced
homoerotica and jokes about monkeys. And to be totally honest, I have no one
to blame except my staff of incompetent writers.
As you can probably imagine, we started out with nothing
short of grand aspirations. Ahhh, the blissful dreams of the naîve. I remember
fondly how the staff would drink, laugh, and engage in heated arguments over
how best to overthrow “the man,” before tumbling into a sweaty pile on the floor
next to the copier and making frantic, clumsy love. The love of the innocent.
And now? We barely touch each other. Those passion-filled
arguments about “morals” and “obligation” have turned into long-winded bureaucratic
discussions of “the bottom line,” and “Who forgot to rinse out the coffee cup?”
The dream of a better newspaper–a better tomorrow–lies trampled on the office
floor next to Julianne Shepherd’s cigarette butts and the curiously colored
stains left over from our staff’s all-night lovemaking sessions. The stains
of innocence.
However! While I have personally given up on ever trying
to make a success out of this revolting tabloid, I still believe the inherent
braininess of our readership can ultimately save the day. And so, I am pleased
to announce the “Let Me Tell You How to Run Your Business!” Essay Contest! Here’s how it works: Send us an essay describing, in 300 words or less, how
to run our business–including who to fire, what to add, advice on our preponderance
of porn…any tips that will help save the rotting garbage heap that is the
Mercury (if indeed it is worth saving–which I sincerely doubt). The
best essays will be printed in an upcoming special edition of the letters section,
and the winner will receive (as always) a box of light bulbs and 25 dollars
CASH.
Send your essay to “Let Me Tell You How to Run Your
Business!” c/o Portland Mercury, 1524 NW 23rd Ave, Suite 2, Portland,
OR, 97210. The deadline is Monday, June 11, so you better get crackin’!
Only YOU can save the Mercury, and permanently remove the stains of neglected
idealism from our paper! (And if you have any ideas about removing the stains
from our carpet, that would be nice, too.)
Sincerely,
Wm. Steven Humphrey