So my mom? She’s so basic and so totally thirsty over something called a “Madonna” coming to town this week? And I’m like, “MOM. tbh? No one even knows what a Madonna is.” And Mom gets this look on her face like the time I had to explain the term “cum gutters.” So then of course she puts me on blast and is all, “Well you should know ‘what’ a ‘Madonna’ is, young lady! Madonna laid some very important groundwork, so might I suggest you look it up??!”

Mom is zero chill on many levels.

And no, I am def not “looking it up,” MOM. Why? For the same reason I don’t “look up” stuff like quantum mechanical fluctuations—I’m fairly certain that whatever that is, it won’t up my eyebrow game. (tbh, my eyebrow game is weak compared to Elise Romy Patterson-McKinley’s. Hers are on fleek.) Also? tl;dr.

However (SIGH), we’ve been learning about “hypotheses” and stuff? You know, in science class? So to boost Mom’s zero chill to plus three, I’ll agree to make a “hypothesis” about whatever a “Madonna” is.

Hypothesis #1: Madonna is like, the Bible? I don’t know… it just sounds sort of religious and stuff. Or maybe she’s the mom of Jesus, and… OH!

Hypothesis #2: Madonna is totally Jesus’ mom! Maybe? I’m… I’m not sure! But Sylvia Marina Hudson, who has to go to church and whose mom won’t even let her wear dresses without sleeves? She talked about a “Madonna” one time, or at least started to, before me and Elise told Sylvia that her eyebrow game was ratchet and then Sylvia started crying and then she wiped her snot on one of her sleeves.

Hypothesis #3: Madonna is… some chick Britney Spears kissed? And Britney Spears is like, as old as my mom, so gross. Two old ladies slapping tongue? Ewww! YEAH, MOM. THAT’S SOME AWESOME “GROUNDWORK.” #eyeroll

Anyway, I’m stoked mom is stepping out with her silver sneakers club to see Madonna this week—because me and my girls are gonna be having an eyebrow party, and shit is gonna get TURNT UP! OH SWERVE DOH! SWAG MONEY, Y’ALL! YAAAASSSS! #SORRYNOTSORRY!

6 replies on “New Column!”

  1. Does anyone actually care about this annoying 14 year old’s perspective of what she considers (or doesn’t consider) to be “groundwork”? Oh, that’s right- she was born in the most entitled, but also progressive, time in history.
    Like Madonna or not, she has long been an open supporter of GLBTQ community in every way, and she supported us back in the 80s when everyone slated gay/AIDS together, and being openly gay was for many people a dangerous, life-threatening situation. It’s really only been in the last 10 years- if that- that being gay is considered to be maybe not normal by everyone, but more accepted.
    I find so many of today’s teenagers to be grating, entitled, “I know everything” little cyberbrats. The pop music of their generation is even more so. I can’t speak super well of the pop of the 90s either, but we at least had a few mentionables.

  2. Director, Christopher Ciccone, Madonna’s happily homosexual brother recently took a lot of flack for having supported the rights of the baker who refused to create a homo wedding cake. I think it’s nice to give a talented youngster the opportunity to play grownup, provided that she get’s paid, and that this isn’t just some cheap child exploitation labor racket. That being said, the age of legal consent in Havvai’i is 14.

    http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/madonnas-brother-defends-jailed-clerk-820753?utm_source=twitter

  6. Until her daughter Lola came along, fame was Madonna’s substitute for love; now it’s become her religion. Princess Diana was campaigning against the use of land mines which the Royal Family manufactures. Also, she was dating the son of the most hated Arab in London. If she were to have married him and gotten custody of the children, the future King and head of the Church of England would be raised Muslim.

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