NOT INVITED BACK

PEOPLE WHO BITCH ABOUT THEIR iPHONES

Owners of iPhones are goddamn crybabies: “Waah, this keyboard is
hard to type on!” Or, “Boo hoo, this YouTube of Rodney Dangerfield’s
rap video is taking forever to load!” Well, CRAM IT. Most of us mere
mortals with realistically sized paychecks still can’t afford an
iPhone, and the last thing we want to hear is how hard it is to upload
pictures to Facebook while you’re driving.

MORMON VAMPIRES

We’re pretty sure the Book of Mormon isn’t down with vampires, or
any other creatures of the occult—but that hasn’t stopped
Twilight from becoming a sensation. Let’s be realistic here: If
you actually met a vampire, it would chew the living shit out of you.
It would drink you dry without batting an eyelash. It certainly
wouldn’t get all mopey and piney and fall in love with you. IT WOULD
KILL YOU DEAD. Or undead. Or something. These Mormon vampires aren’t
scary, and are giving teenage girls (and their lonely mothers) the
absolutely wrong idea about vampires—it’s irresponsible, plain
and simple. (However, we are more than happy to invite back the cute
tween Swedish vampires from Let the Right One In! That movie was
adorable!)

THE LOWEST COMMON DENOMINATOR

Joe Sixpack, Joe the Plumber, Larry the Welder, and George W.
Bush—the last eight years have been a grammatically devastating
celebration of small town America, which somewhere along the line came
to mean stupid, narrow-minded people who can’t speak properly.
President-elect Obama’s glorious, well-constructed sentences—with
their judiciously selected adjectives and coherent subject/predicate
relationships—usher in a new era of political speech. The
grammatical atrocities inflicted by our outgoing president and his
cronies in the “real America” are mercifully behind us.

PEOPLE WHO THROW AWAY PERFECTLY GOOD 2005 JESSICA ALBA BIKINI
CALENDARS

For years, the Mercury had a perfectly good 2005 Jessica Alba
bikini calendar hanging above our office toilet—that is, until
SOMEONE took it down, and threw it into the garbage. Not the recycling,
mind you… THE GARBAGE. Adding insult to injury, this same
SOMEONE replaced the 2005 Jessica Alba bikini calendar with one
depicting a Jack Russell Terrier in a fireman’s hat. Not only is this
SOMEONE never invited back to 2009—he or she has been banned from
every year in history. Even the ones Hitler lived in.

NUTRIA

Those things just scare the shit out of us.

TWEENS

Let’s just skip from age 9 to 13, shall we? The gaggles of all you
prepubescent tweens at the mall—laughing gauchely about Zac
Efron, and decked out in be-sequined Forever 21 frocks that barely
cover your… ahem—it’s all very sad to me. Be children,
then be teenagers. The middle ground is just too depressing.

UNDECIDED VOTERS

Indecision is unattractive—especially when you’re having
trouble choosing between the Messiah and some old dude. Really? You couldn’t decide between the Messiah and some old dude? You didn’t
ruin things this time (thanks), but your refusal to use that noggin and
look at the facts bugs us. Au revoir.

DICKWAD BIKE GEAR NOT INVITED BACK TO 2009

• Tiny chopped handlebars—”Hey, wouldn’t it be,
like, so sweet if we sawed our handlebars in half? They’d be just like
regular handlebars, but so tiny that two hands could barely fit on
them. Super hot! Right, dude? Right?” Wrong.

• Aerospoke wheels—These giant plastic spokes
try so hard to be hot. Hot like your totally edgy punk blue hair and
new gold Adidas.  

• Pants so tight you can’t pedal: Sexy citizens of
Portland do not want to see your skinny white ass crack. K? Thnx.
   

• Non-homeless people who ride mountain bikes: These
people are sporty douchebags.

• Adult tricycles: If you don’t understand why, then
never mind—you should totally go buy one.

LIVE THEATER INVOLVING PUPPETS

Whimsy. Rarely a virtue.  

“REALLY?”

Imitating skits from Saturday Night Live is “really” not
cool—and it never has been. If you’re upset by something someone
has said or done, repeating the word “REALLY?” isn’t going to solve the
problem, or make anyone happier. It just makes you look like an
unimaginative nerd. Really.

NAKED BICYCLISTS

We don’t care what you think you’re protesting—put that thing
away, unless you’re hot, which you probably aren’t… so… put that
thing away.

CANVASSERS

You’re not invited back to 2009 or any year after that— EVER.
Actually, we don’t have a minute for the environment or the
polar bears or the Democratic Party or anything else you’re hawking. We
know you’re only doing this because you can’t find another job. We get
you, but you’re annoying the crap out of us and we can’t stand it
anymore. Work at a bar or something. You’ll do more good there.

STANDING OVATIONS

Nowhere is the insidious niceness of Portlanders more apparent than
in their collective response to theater: Time after time, mediocrity
onstage is celebrated by audiences leisurely clambering to their feet
and clapping politely—an obligatory ovation that forces actors to
take unwanted curtain call after curtain call. The standing ovation is
supposed to mean something. It’s supposed to mean “I’ve just had
my mind completely fucking blown by what I’ve witnessed here in this
theater today, and I’m so moved I can’t help but leap to my feet in
frenzied approval.” It is decidedly not supposed to mean, “Well,
I have to stand up anyway, and everyone is standing up…” Let’s
take a year off from faking the standing O, shall we? If you’re not
feeling it, keep that ass in your seat.

GREG ODEN’S GLASS BONES

We don’t know if he didn’t drink enough milk as a kid or what, but
how come the bones of Blazer superstar Greg Oden shatter every time he
sneezes? There’s a name for cars like that: lemon.

COMCAST’S MONOPOLY ON BLAZERS TELEVISED GAMES

Few things are more sinister than Comcast’s absolute stranglehold on
televising Trail Blazers games on their terrible CSN Northwest channel.
Despite their pricy advertising blitz aimed at convincing you that it’s
your fault you can’t witness half the team’s games, the Comcast
deal is little more than a complete assault on true fans of the team. I
hate you, Comcast. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

WHOLE FOODS

You’re just like New Seasons—but with less attractive, less
happy employees, worse tortilla soup, and far more chit chat about
MacBooks. Now that you’ve successfully subpoenaed confidential
information from our beloved Seasons, be prepared for Portlanders to
spike your organic milk with RBST.

$6 BEERS AT THE CRYSTAL BALLROOM

Dear McMenamins: We love your venues, and the sparkling
entertainment you bring us every week. That being said, by charging a
whopping SIX DOLLARS for a single beer at the Crystal Ballroom, you are
essentially bending us over and sticking your Hammerheads into our
tender places. With a dollar tip, it comes to SEVEN dollars. FOR ONE
BEER. We’re sorry—but that is fucking obscene. And the beer is
brewed DOWNSTAIRS! In the same building! You’re not even having to pay
for packaging, shipping, advertising, distributing, or merchandising!
Let’s compare: For a mere $5, one can get a Pilsner Urquell—which
travelled all the way from the Czech Republic—at the Doug Fir, or
a Spaten, from the not-very-nearby-climes of Germany, at Holocene.
What’s more, those very same $6 beers are available at other McMenamins
outlets for as little as three bucks and change! So while the Crystal
Ballroom is still the go-to place for entertainment, you can keep your
ridiculously overpriced homebrew—because it is officially NOT
INVITED BACK!

CLUBS WITHOUT COAT CHECKS

Good evening. I have come to your establishment tonight to dance,
and listen to some music, and spend money on the alcohol that keeps
your business afloat. I see that it is quite warm in here, and once I
start getting my groove on, I will be down to my last layer, covered in
the sexy sweat that draws people out to dance at establishments such as
this. Unfortunately, it’s winter, and while it’s nice and toasty in
here, it took 10 minutes for the feeling to come back into my hands
after making the trip here through the cold. Would you mind hanging on
to my coat while I warm myself up on the dance floor? No? Not even for
a couple bucks? That sucks. I guess I’ll have to take my chances that
my coat and wallet don’t get taken from the unguarded chair over there,
which would really be a setback to my ability to come here and dance,
all the while drinking the alcohol that keeps your business afloat.

BARS/RESTAURANTS WITH ONE-WORD NAMES

What, are we running out of words to name our bars and restaurants?
Mint. Pour. North. East. That isn’t one name— it’s four. We all
understand that it saves money on signage, but the monosyllabic
establishment name just seems sort of lazy. Now, if you don’t mind,
time for us to open our new restaurant, “Food.”

DOGGIE DAY CARES WITH PUNS IN THEIR NAMES

In a city that seems to have more pet day care programs than ones
for actual human children, why do they all insist on naming their
businesses with insultingly bad puns? Howliday Inn? Central Bark? No
Bonz About It? We GET IT. Please stop.

THE WORDS “BLOGOSPHERE” AND “YAY”

Both are so broad as to actually deflate meaning, for example: “I
cut my arm off yesterday. Yay…” or “I won a million dollars. Yay….”
What is a word like that even DOING in the English language? Is there
in fact a sequence of words after which the word “yay” might not fit?
Then: “I hear they’re talking all about it on the blogosphere.” Oh
yeah? Which part? The part where there are blogs? In the sphere? It’s
like saying “I hear you can buy beer in the bar-o-sphere.” Fuck it, and
fuck you for saying it. Actually fuck both words, all the way to hell.
Yay.

EAST BURNSIDE NICKNAMES

East Burn? LoBu? Or the quasi-official Lower East End? Why does East
Burnside even need a snappy nickname? Can’t it just be that one
street with the migrant workers, Doug Fir, strip club, karaoke, and
seedy motel?

STATUS DRESSING

If there’s anything that the past few months have taught us, it’s
that we’ve been acting like a bunch of childish idiots for more or less
the past decade. Living in a celebutante-infested society that spawned
such things as “it bags” and $500 key chains (that actually
sold) whose price was justified by the logo, average Americans
turned into a bunch of status-hungry, credit card-indebted morons with
rhinestone messages emblazoned across the asses of their track pants.
But Obama’s election to the presidency has had an effect that most
young people didn’t even know was a possible side effect of
politics: It made people want to be better—more responsible, more
thoughtful, and part of the solution. Couple that with severe economic
trauma, and our immediate future is starting to look at lot more like
that of our grandparents’ experience than the “Me Generation” that
raised us.

Taking its cue from a time when purchases were made bearing the long
term in mind, and quality took precedence over mass-marketing and
instant gratification, even the fashion world is adopting a more
serious approach. Beyond the solemnity of the looks that showed most
recently in the pre-fall collections, editors and consumers are coming
around to the idea of restraint. One might, for instance, trade in an
Urban Outfitters habit for one or two tailored suits that will still
look dignified in five years (it might be that long before you can
afford another one, with lots of job interviews it will come in handy
for along the way). And with manufacturing jobs in your country, and
your city, directly affecting the quality of your own life, you might
find yourself more inclined, when you do spend, to put your money back
into the hands of your neighbors. Whatever the changes around us lead
to in your own life as a consumer, one thing is clear: Shopping for
gauche, overpriced status indicators and the latest shiny, trendy piece
of crap is not just “not invited back,” it’s embarrassingly out of step
with the times.

BEARDS

Listen, we all love us a nice beard—from Ernest Hemingway to
our rabbi—but unless you can actually grow a proper one (without
those creepy patches of hairlessness) please don’t bother. File it
under one of those things that just because you can do it,
doesn’t necessarily mean you should do it.

UPTALKING? SO THAT EVERY STATEMENT SOUNDS LIKE A
QUESTION?

You think you might want to cut it out?

BLAMING HIPSTERS

First off, there is no such thing as a hipster. It’s a lazy
stereotype. Blaming hipsters for ruining your favorite bar, your
favorite band, and your favorite city is akin to blaming Santa Claus
for ruining Christmas. Secondly, stop complaining, it makes you seem
more out of touch than you really are.

PAPOOSES IN GROCERY STORES

There was a time way back in 2005 when children were considered
moderately less interesting than politics in this town—but now,
everybody has one, and you’re all insisting on wearing the goddamned
things outside the house. Like little fashion accessories! Tie your
children up in the stroller outside, please. Or leave them at home in
the freezer, where they belong.

FASHION CHOICES NOT INVITED BACK TO 2009

• Waist-free empire/babydoll dresses—Did you get
your first period more than five years ago? Congratulations, you’re a
woman. Now grow up and dress like one.

• Butt-ugly khaki pants—Unless you are a
broomstick, your awkwardly tapered/dropped crotch/paper bag-waisted
khaki pants look like what they are: Overpriced, unflattering items
successfully sold to you because of your desperate desire to appear
artsy.

• Non-prescription glasses—Mimicking the
handicapped isn’t nice.

• Native American-inspired headbands—Not to be
confused with hairbands, the straight-across-your-forehead
homage to Native Americans-via-folk hippies has beaten its last
drum.

• Likewise, bands that wear feather Indian chief
headbands—IT’S BEEN DONE. YOU ARE NOT CUTE.

• Talking trash about other people’s style—(Or do
what I say, not as I do.) Now is no time to step on other people’s
happiness and self-expression, so unless they are wearing a suicide
bomb, live and let live.

EMPTY CONDO BUILDINGS

Stop being so depressing.

“GREENWASHING”

Going green is all the rage, but savvy marketers have taken it too
far. News flash: No matter what the ads say, driving your hybrid SUV
around town is NOT good for the environment. Adding wind turbines to
the proposed up-to-12-lane Columbia River Crossing Bridge does NOT make
it a sustainable project. Eating meat from “happy” animals does NOT
mean the chicken shit and cow methane stayed out of the water and air.
And filling your reusable canvas bags with the bottled water that
claims to use less plastic? It’s all called greenwashing, and you’re an
idiot to fall for it. Meanwhile, we’re not inviting it back to
2009.

12-LANE BRIDGES

If we have to build a new bridge across the Columbia River at
I-5—okay, fine. And we’re all for tolls, a bike and pedestrian
bridge, and light rail to Vancouver(!). But this 12-lane (or even the
10-lane) design the project staff keeps trotting out? Bullshit. Those
mega bridges double the capacity of the bridge, which will—if
history is any guide—fill up with cars that spew CO, and induce
sprawl. Ugh. We look forward to seeing a spiffy six-lane design (same
size as the current one, with tolls and transit doing the job of easing
traffic) in 2009. (Oh, and we’re still waiting to see some
independent analysis of the traffic and sprawl data. Get on it,
people!)

THE SIT/LIE AND ANTI-CAMPING ORDINANCES.

Who needs smart solutions to complex social problems, when you can
just criminalize homelessness and be done with it? And seriously, those
fascists who comment on articles about homelessness on the Portland
Tribune‘s website? EAT A DICK. We mean that in a bad way. As in:
“EAT A BAD DICK COVERED IN OLD SMEGMA AND AIDS.” And choke on it. Your
ill-informed Nazi attitudes are a cancer on this city. Die.

TASERS

“Excuse me, officer, I was just walking down the street here, I
don’t think you have the right to search me…ZZZZZAAAAAPPPPPPPP.”
Let’s be sensible and admit that Tasers discourage officers from using
conversation to defuse a situation, while maintaining the creases in
their uniforms. Some officers think it’s fine to use them to gain
compliance, but we’re inclined to think 50,000 volts and the risk of
death from acidosis is an excessive form of persuasion—especially
if the power to inflict it is placed in the hands of an authoritarian
prick with anger issues. Portland has many upstanding officers; let’s
hope you get one of them during your next run-in with the law.

RESTORATIVE LISTENING CIRCLES

When are they going to start a restorative listening circle about
the damage done by restorative listening circles? Damn right, black
people are pissed about gentrification. But no one is going to feel
better just because some white lady writes down their “feelings” on a
dry-erase board.

BETTER ON FOX 12

When it comes to crass reality TV and hilariously hysterical news
reports, Fox 12 can’t be beat—but Better has finally
pushed us too far. Like the inbred child of Oprah, Today,
Rachael Ray, Tyra Banks, Entertainment Tonight,
and every crappy infomercial you’ve ever seen, Better targets
the “unemployed housewife” demo with cynical abandon.
Embarrassed-looking reporters Andy Carson, Kimberly Maus, and Kara Mack
bravely try to appear like they give two shits about make-up tips
that’ll make you look “sassy” for the holidays, Snoop Dogg’s TV show,
what cheap-ass gift to buy “the man in your life,” or Maureen
McCormick’s Brady Bunch tell-all. Also, shopping and home
decorating tips! If there was ever an excuse for breaking the red seal
on that bottle of Maker’s before 11 am, Better is it.

NEWSPAPERS IN OTHER
CITIES  ALWAYS WRITING ABOUT
PORTLAND

Hey, New York Times, know why we don’t write about your
crappy local bands, pretentious restaurants, and overpriced bodegas?
Because we don’t care. Portland has had excellent culture for
quite some time now, which means it’s not new just because you just
discovered it.

PORTLAND MEDIA USING THE WORDS “BREAKING NEWS” TO DESCRIBE A
STORY BROKEN A DAY, WEEK, OR MONTH EARLIER BY THE PORTLAND
MERCURY

It may be cheaper in a down-turning economy to simply wait and see
what the Mercury‘s news team posts on Blogtown, and then
send your sensible reporter out to re-write the exact same story
without the fuck-words and/or readability—but stop claiming the
content is original. It’s rude.

PRINT MEDIA

The future of journalism lies in user-generated content organized on
open-source social networking sites. Or haven’t you heard?