Gov. Brown tells Portland metro area to stop socializing for two weeks in order to bring down scary COVID count.
Gov. Brown tells Portland metro area to stop socializing for two weeks in order to bring down scary COVID count. Governor's Office

Here's your daily roundup of all the latest local and national news. (Like our coverage? Please consider making a recurring contribution to the Mercury to keep it comin'!)

• Oregon's COVID-19 cases have risen to the point where 800-plus new infections per day is the average, and cases are particularly spiking in the Portland metro area. Since yesterday the OHA has reported 876 new positive cases, and five additional deaths.

• REMINDER: Today all three counties in the Portland metro area are entering into a two-week "pause" on social gatherings to help slow the rapid spread of COVID-19. Read more about the new requirements here.

• Reason #1,567,932 for why COPS CANNOT BE TRUSTED: Kevin Peterson Jr., the Black man who was shot and killed by Clark County officers recently, is said to have pulled a gun but did not fire at authorities first, according to investigators. Deputies initially claimed that he did shoot first, and we're now learning there are other suspicious discrepancies in their report as well.

• Put on yer rubbers! According to meteorologists, a major storm will be sweeping through the Pacific Northwest by week's end, bring lots of drenching rain and snow in the mountains.

IN NATIONAL NEWS

• Trump's aides, growing ever-more worried about their leader's idiotic post-election behavior, are whispering behind the scenes about a potential plan for the president to concede the election... without actually having to concede the election. From NBC News: “Do not expect him to concede,” one top aide said. More likely, the aide said, “he’ll say something like, ‘We can’t trust the results, but I’m not contesting them.’” Don't expect even that to happen anytime soon.

• Despite the sorry fact that Trump is denying Biden daily intelligence reports (another norm that the president is shitting on), the president-elect is moving on and making progress without them. (Five bucks says someone from the intelligence community is secretly slipping Biden the reports under the table!)

• Election officials in Georgia are planning on hand-counting all the ballots in the presidential election for their state, saying that it will probably take until November 20—where it will be discovered that Biden still won and it was all a big waste of time... but hey! Election counters get an extra paycheck, so there's that!

• With Republican Senate wins in both Alaska and North Carolina, all eyes are now focused on Georgia, whose two runoffs could make it or break it for Democrats... and Biden as well, whose agenda will be significantly curtailed if Dems don't control the Senate.

• Three more Trump officials have tested positive for COVID-19, bringing the total to 12... and of those 12, at least four attended a mostly maskless election night party at the White House.

• America cracked a new daily record for COVID cases today with 140,000 people testing positive, and hospitals are reaching a crisis point. So what is Trump doing to slow down the virus? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING—unless you count spreading lies about voter fraud in a desperate attempt to win an election he's already clearly lost, and replacing qualified Pentagon officials with sniveling Trump loyalists.

• And just so we're all on the same page here, according to election officials in every single state, there has been exactly ZERO evidence of any voter fraud.

• Writer/pundit Jeffrey Toobin has been fired from the New Yorker reportedly following an unfortunate "indecent exposure" incident during a company Zoom call. This is exactly why I have a sticky note above my computer that says, "Check audio. Check lighting. Do NOT masturbate."

• In "It's Britney, bitch" news: "Britney Spears loses bid to remove father from conservatorship, refuses to perform."

• Running now through Sat Nov 28: The brand new "HUMP! Greatest Hits, Vol. 2" featuring the sexiest short flicks from the past 15 years of festivals! (Look, you NEED this. GET THOSE TIX NOW!)

• The results are in, and the people have spoken: YOU LOVE GOOD AFTERNOON, NEWS! Never miss a single informative, entertaining post by subscribing HERE.

• The WEATHER REPORT: A rainy, windy day tomorrow with a high of 51.

• And finally... Guys, it's time for all of us to reach across the aisle, and HELP TRUMP CONCEDE.