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Clackamas Commissioner Tootie Smith promotes her Lets Kill Our Friends and Relatives on Thanksgiving platform on Fox News.
Clackamas Commissioner "Tootie" Smith promotes her "Let's Kill Our Friends and Relatives on Thanksgiving" platform on Fox News. Fox News

GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! I got you, moonlight. You're my starlight. I need you all night. C'mon, dance with me. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

• Starting today, Oregon officially goes into Gov. Brown's state-wide two-week long "freeze"/semi-lockdown, which includes mandatory mask wearing in public spaces, curtailing social interaction, limiting the capacity of grocery stores and pharmacies, restricting restaurants and bars to takeout only, and closing gyms and other indoor recreational facilities. In COVID-stricken Multnomah County, our freeze will last at least four weeks. You can learn more about it here.

• The Oregon Health Authority reported 935 new positive COVID-19 cases yesterday, 378 people hospitalized (a jump of 30 from Monday), and a death count of 13—the second highest since the pandemic began.

• Selfish, insufferable Clackamas County Commissioner Tootie Smith went on Fox News' Tucker Carlson to insist that she's going to defy the governor's orders and stupidly "gather as many friends and family for Thanksgiving as possible." (But seriously, how many friends can someone named "Tootie" have? Even more baffling, how could someone named "Tootie" be elected?)

• While any additional COVID relief money for Americans has been stymied by a corrupt Republican-led Senate, Gov. Kate Brown announced yesterday that Oregon will allocate $55 million in funding to assist hard-hit businesses, with restaurants and bars, small companies, and Black, Native American, and other historically disadvantaged communities getting prioritized.

• Good news for two of Oregon's tribal nations (and salmon): Oregon and California are teaming up to remove four dams on the Klamath River and restore it to its natural state.


• The COVID vaccine manufactured by Pfizer has reached 95 percent efficacy and is ready to be submitted for regulatory approval "within days," according to the company. Note: This is NOT the vaccine that was partially paid for by Dolly Parton... but we'll take what we can get.

• Meanwhile, the FDA has given the go-ahead to a rapid, at-home COVID-19 test which requires a prescription, but can give a result in about 30 minutes.

• Because he dared say that the 2020 election was fraud-free and publicly pooh-poohed Republican conspiracy theories, the nation's top election security official, Christopher Krebs, was (SURPRISE!) fired by Trump this morning.

• Very much related: Presidential LOSER Donald Trump continues his LOSING streak in the courts, with the Pennsylvania Supreme Court shooting down his false claim that ballot counting observers weren't allowed to get close enough to the action. If you want to read and laugh your guts out about how hapless Trump's legal team is, check out this article!

• GOP officials in an important Michigan county have backed down from their earlier decision to assist Trump by refusing to certify Biden's win—making this yet another big election loss for our Loser-in-Chief.

• Today in "OH, WELL" news: 87-year-old Republican Senator/Trump loyalist Chuck Grassley has tested positive for COVID-19. OH, WELL!

• Unless Mitch McConnell stops focusing on pushing through unqualified Trump appointees and works with the House, 12 million Americans will lose their unemployment insurance by the end of the year.

• Amazon is getting into the pill peddling biz, offering online pharmacy services and free prescription delivery to its Prime members. That sustained groan you hear is Walgreens and CVS saying, "Ohhhh fuuuuuuudge."

• TONIGHT, Wednesday, November 18, it's the latest I, ANONYMOUS SHOW featuring the wildest anonymous confessions and rants, with hilarious comedy from Amy Miller, Adam Pasi, and Carla Rossi! GET THOSE TICKETS NOW!

• The WEATHER REPORT: Expect heavy showers today and a high of 51!

• And finally, here's your nugget of 100 percent TRUTH for this morning.