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GOOD AFTERNOON, PORTLAND! Happy Thursday, party people! Got any plans for this sunny afternoon? (If you're looking for a hang, I hear Nick Kristof has some free time.) Now... LET'S DO SOME NEWS.
IN LOCAL NEWS:
• The city's new contract deal with the Portland Police Association (the union—if you want to call it that—which represents the rank-and-file officers) is costing Portland a hefty $56 million over four years. And while we're certainly getting a lot out of the deal, much of it seems intended to stop the cops from quitting or retiring. Our Alex Zielinski breaks it all down for you.
• As you may have heard, former NYT columnist (and fair weather Oregon resident) Nick Kristof was booted out of the governor's race today after the state Supremes ruled that he didn't meet residency requirements. (Maybe he should run for the Yamhill school board?) Anyway, what does this decision mean for all the other white, entitled, and unqualified white men of Oregon? I have an essay about that... you should read it, it's fun.
It's another essay banger from yours truly!— Wm. Steven Humphrey (@WmSteveHumphrey) February 17, 2022
"Opinion: Does Nick Kristof's thwarted campaign for governor spell trouble for all entitled, unqualified white guys?" (Fingers crossed!🤞)https://t.co/od2Ov0RvLc
• Oregon's Dept. of Transportation is moving ahead with their plan to expand the I-5 corridor towards Harriet Tubman Middle School, but, but, BUT! So far the community is split on whether or not to force the kids to move to avoid pollutants. Our Isabella Garcia has the latest updates.
• Everybody relax! Dillon, the Portland Pickles mascot, who has been the subject of a city-wide pickle hunt, has been recovered! (Insert your own terrible pun here... something like, I don't know... "what's the big dill?")
Hey sexy brains! It's time for another POP QUIZ PDX, featuring sassy-ass trivia Qs about local scandals, elks, and your choice for which '90s dance should be the OFFICIAL state dance of Oregon! 👯♀️https://t.co/2LjGWD2Mjm— Portland Mercury 🗞 (@portlandmercury) February 17, 2022
IN NATIONAL/WORLD NEWS:
• You gotta love it: A judge has ruled that Trump and his two morally repugnant children must testify under oath and answer the questions of New York AG Letitia James about his company's shady-ass finances. (In other words, three buttholes are about to get torn three additional buttholes.)
• Today in "Why not in Portland?":
BREAKING: A Texas grand jury has indicted 19 Austin police officers on charges of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon for their actions during 2020 racial injustice protests, according to @AP sources. https://t.co/M0AcNzG4MK— The Associated Press (@AP) February 17, 2022
• Canadian cops have had just about enough of the dimwit anti-vax demonstrators surrounding the capitol in Ottawa, and are warning the drooling ding-dongs that "mobilization is imminent."
• While Russia "claims" (note sarcastic quotes) that they are pulling troops out of Ukraine, the constant shelling would seem to counter that, and Washington, DC is quickly losing hope that a dangerous conflict can be stopped.
"Jesus guns babies" is a hell of a campaign slogan. pic.twitter.com/cS6UzO3UgR— Arieh Kovler (@ariehkovler) February 17, 2022
• A terrifying mudslide in the Brazilian city of Petrópolis has killed at least 113 people, and many more are feared missing.
• The Winter Olympics ice skating drama got even MORE dramatic today, when Russian star Kamila Valieva (whose doping scandal cast a shadow over her reputation) had a series of mistakes and falls during her routine putting her in fourth place and giving the gold to Russian teammate Anna Shcherbakova.
• It’s back for 2022! America’s sexiest, funnest dirty movie fest, HUMP! Coming at ya starting February 24 at Revolution Hall—GET YOUR TICKETS NOW!
• And finally... if the cops can't clear out the anti-vax morons in Ottawa, this Canadian hero may be able to help!
This has got to be the next Canadian Heritage Minute. 🇨🇦 pic.twitter.com/KAJFQyg9JC— Paul Bae (@MrPaulBae) February 16, 2022