Credit: Alex Wong / Getty
Senate Majority Turtle Mitch McConnell tells troubled states to file for bankruptcy.
Senate Majority Turtle Mitch McConnell tells troubled states to file for bankruptcy. Alex Wong / Getty News

Here’s your daily roundup of all the local and national news about COVID-19. (Like our coverage? Please consider donating to the Mercury to keep it comin’!)

• As of today the total number of positive COVID-19 cases in Oregon (that we know of) is 2,127. A total of 83 people have died, and nearly 44,000 have been tested.

• Oregon Hospitals will soon be re-opening for non-essential surgical procedures, according to an announcement made by Gov. Kate Brown this morning. The lifted restrictions are contingent on hospitals meeting requirements for beds and protective gear. Our Blair Stenvick is on hand with more details.

• An employee at the Pearl District Whole Foods has died from COVID-19, the store confirmed yesterday. Another worker at the Hollywood location has tested positive for the virus.

• Here’s something that might help your morale: A new survey shows that 82 percent of Oregonians—and a strong majority of both Democrats and Republicans—support the state’s stay-at-home orders.

• Today in “children are our future”: “Oregon high school student is making clear face masks so the hearing-impaired can be safe during coronavirus crisis.”

IN NATIONAL NEWS:

• Another 4.4 million laid-off workers were added to nation’s unemployment totals this past week, pushing the total number of claims to 26 million in five weeks, or (good god) one in every six American workers.

• New antibody tests in New York are showing just how inadequate old coronavirus testing was, with a recent survey of 3,000 New Yorkers revealing that 14 percent of them had COVID-19 antibodies—meaning it’s likely about 1 million people in New York had been exposed to the virus, as opposed to the 260,000 that have tested positive.

• Senate Majority Turtle Mitch McConnell is out here responding to desperate state requests for federal aid with “Let them declare bankruptcy.” (Hmmm. What happened the last time someone declared, “Let them eat cake?”)

• One week after our idiot president cut all funding to the World Health Organization in the middle of a global pandemic, China increased their funding of WHO by an extra $30 million.

• Try to keep up with this roller coaster ride: Trump tells states to go their own way with stay-at-home orders, encouraging them to reopen as soon as possible. Georgia’s imbecile governor Brian Kemp orders the reopening of lots of businesses including bowling alleys by the weekend. Trump chastises Kemp on Twitter for doing exactly what Trump suggested. At this point, Kemp is sticking with his wildly dangerous plans to kill his constituents… but who knows what will happen tomorrow? WHAT A FUCKING WORLD WE LIVE IN.

In other “FUCKING NUTS” news: Las Vegas Mayor Carolyn Goodman got the skewering of her life (AND RIGHTLY SO) by Anderson Cooper for claiming she was going to reopen all the casinos and use her city as a “petri dish.”

• Great Britain’s unemployment numbers are relatively eye-popping, but nowhere near as disheartening, thanks to a “much more humane” unemployment system than the one we have in the US, a system that the underfunded (and apparently mismanaged) Paycheck Protection Program was modeled after.

• Not that it was ever all that plausible to begin with, but if you were even thinking of entertaining the “it escaped from a lab” coronavirus theory, stop it. There is virtually no chance COVID-19 was accidentally released via laboratory accident.

• Two New York cats have tested positive for the coronavirus… BUT, BUT, BUT, BUT, BUT! Before you start jumping to all sorts of conclusions, we insist you read this paragraph:

Testing positive does not mean the cats have the same illness that people have. Nor does it mean that the cats can pass on the illness to people. And tests for pets are not the same as those for people, so no humans missed out on testing because the cats were tested.

• Need a laugh? Get your tickets PRONTO for the live stream edition of the I, Anonymous show THIS FRIDAY April 24! Check out the details and the KILLER lineup of comedians here!

• Look, you’re stuck inside, creative, going nuts, and need money, right? Then enter your short confinement-themed film in the Confinement (online) Film Festival, better known as CoFF!

• And finally, in “Danny Trejo is the best” news….