GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! When you walk into the room, you pull me close and we start to move. And we're spinning with the stars above, and you lift me up in a wave of love. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

A splinter group of armed hillbilly militia men have taken over a federal office in Burns, Oregon, and authorities are figuring out what to do about it. (Here's a suggestion: Tell 'em Obama and a bunch of "revenooers" are gonna destroy their moonshine stills.) Back at the ranch, militia members continue to hang around even though the father and son who are wanted by the federal government are planning to turn themselves in today. If you want to learn more, here's a good description from the O about this idiotic situation caused by a bunch of gun-toting idiotic fuckups.

OH! And besides being hillbilly gun-toting cowards, let's not forget they're also DOMESTIC TERRORISTS.

Guys! It snowed yesterday—which was great until that big sheet of ice fell during the night. The good news would be I'm writing this in my pajamas—except the better news is I don't wear pajamas. (Pro Tip: Wax the runners of your sled with ordinary soap to make it go even faster! Oh, and maybe don't drive? You're really not as proficient as you think.)

Happy cannabis licensing day! The OLCC has opened the online application system to grow, process, and sell marijuana. Got questions? Wait until tomorrow! It's icy outside and they don't have enough staff to answer your queries. Go sledding instead!

Did I mention those militia terrorists are a bunch of fucking idiots?

In case you missed it, the Oregon Ducks had a humiliating defeat against TCU in Saturday's Alamo Bowl. Here's what went wrong. FOOTBALL! RAHHH!

Human rights activists are justifiably flipping out over Saudi Arabia's execution of the Shia cleric Sheikh Nimr al-Nimr, and many are asking America to take a much tougher stand than the wrist slap they're currently administering.

ISIS releases a video that purportedly shows the murder of five people and an English-speaking man and boy issuing threats against the UK.

Speaking of gun-toting cowardly idiots (like the militia guys mentioned above!), Republicans are finding themselves in the tricky position of shitting on President Obama for proposing gun legislation that they themselves have supported.

And speaking of political idiots that inspire the gun-toting cowards (like the militia guys mentioned above!), Donald Trump THE MAN is tired of Hillary Clinton THE WOMAN reminding everyone she's a woman. BECAUSE THE MAN DON'T LIKE THAT.

But Donald Trump is also inspiring others... namely Islamic extremists.

Meanwhile Bernie Sanders continues to prove he's a class act, saying that "We’ve got more important things to worry about in this country than Bill Clinton’s sex life."

Here we (might) go again: Chris Brown has been accused of beating a woman in a Las Vegas hotel. The singer's reps say the charge is "unequivocally untrue."

Now let's check out this BRRRRRRR! WEATHER situation: Temps will rise this afternoon to a balmy 36 degrees, but there is the possibility of more freezing rain in the next couple of days.

And finally, if you need a good belly laugh, check out this "farewell video" from idiot/coward/terrorist militia man Jon Ritzheimer. OH THE DRAMA! (Give this blubbering crybaby an Emmy.)