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Yes, I understand youre afraid of the coronavirus... but whos protecting the stock market and my billionaire friends?
"Yes, I understand you're afraid of the coronavirus... but who's protecting the stock market and my billionaire friends?" Chip Somodevilla / Staff / Getty

GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! She was disco lights on the Friday night. She moves across the floor, she was oh-so-tight like dynamite. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

According to the CDC, the coronavirus is coming to America, regardless of what we try to do to stop it.

“It’s not so much of a question of if this will happen anymore but rather more of a question of exactly when this will happen,” Dr. Nancy Messonnier, director of the National Center for Immunization and Respiratory Diseases, said in a news briefing.

Furthermore, the CDC is advising that we should prepare for "social distancing," such as keeping kids home from school, and telecommuting. Stocks tumbled following the news... but DON'T WORRY! President Trump (as always) has a firm grasp of the situation:
President Trump, traveling overseas, had a sharply different tone than his own health officials, saying at a news briefing in India: “You may ask about the coronavirus, which is very well under control in our country.”
“We have very few people with it and the people that have it are, in all cases, I have not heard anything other — the people are getting better, they’re all getting better.”

Last night marked the latest Democratic debate, this time in South Carolina, which by anyone's standards was a hot mess. As expected, all candidates took aim at Bernie Sanders who stuck to his message as the others took shots at him in regards to his comments on Fidel Castro's Cuba and his dicey voting record on gun control. Sanders took the blows and emerged relatively unscathed, while Elizabeth Warren turned in another good performance—and as usual was pretty much ignored by many in the media. :(

For all the hand-wringing from establishment Democrats (and jubilation in the GOP) over the prospect of Bernie going up against Trump, Senate Majority Turtle Mitch McConnell is warning fellow Republicans that Sanders might not be as easy to beat as they think.

Yesterday while in India, Trump made yet another laughably stupid demand: Justices Sonia Sotomayor and Ruth Bader Ginsburg should recuse themselves from any Trump-related cases... said the evil POS that helped stack the Supreme Court with his cronies. As usual, he can go to hell.

Hot Pockets heiress (a particularly satisfying designation) Michelle Janavs has been sentenced to five months in prison for her role in the college admissions scandal.

It's something we already knew, but it's nice to see it in a headline: "If you drive an expensive car you're probably a jerk, scientists say." (When are they going to release a study on buttholes who drive jacked-up trucks?)

IN LOCAL NEWS: While it appeared that the dispute between the DOJ and the Portland Police (who were sued by the feds for using excessive force) was practically settled, US District Judge Michael Simon said "hold on a minute," and instructed the city to get more community involvement and feedback before he makes his final ruling. Our Alex Zielinski has the details.

Entitled, crybaby Republicans, who have once again refused to do their jobs by walking out of the Oregon Capitol this week in protest of the cap-and-trade bill, are now putting the critical needs of child welfare and other necessary departments in real danger. THROW THEM OUT.

The most infuriating headline of the day: "Jeremy Christian tried to profit from MAX stabbings by selling murder memorabilia, DA says."

Yesterday Metro made the the unanimous decision to send a $250 million homeless service measure to the May ballot, which is intended to make a significant dent in the homelessness crisis.

HEY, YOU LOVE COCKTAILS, RIGHT? Then don't miss the upcoming Mercury HIGHBALL week, featuring 50 craft cocktails for only (*checks notes*) $5?? Wow!

Oh, and be sure to check out the Mercury's special GENDER EMPOWERMENT ISSUE, hitting the streets today. It is grrrrrreat!

Now let us cast our eyes skyward at the WEATHER: Expect a sunny afternoon with a high of 56!

And finally, I need this person to soundtrack my entire day.