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Striking back against the patriarchy, Warrens dog Bailey steals and eats burrito.
Striking back against the patriarchy, Warren's dog Bailey steals and eats burrito. Chip Somodevilla / Staff / Getty

GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! Want you to take it like a thief in the night. Hold me like a pillow, make me feel right. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

Hi, before we get to the sometimes frightening coronavirus news, here's your reminder that Oregon Health officials are advising people who are sick to stay home—but if you're healthy, and not in danger of putting vulnerable family members or roommates in danger, GO OUT AND LIVE YOUR LIFE. Local restaurants, clubs, arts groups, and more depend on your support and we don't want to lose them. Thanks, and let's do this news!

The director of the World Health Organization reported that coronovirus cases have exceeded the 100,000 mark and it's time for all governments to pull out the stops if there's any hope of containment. Trump is doing his part by continue to lie and ignorantly bumble his way through this crisis. After promising that any American who wanted to be tested could be, yesterday Veep/man of science Mike Pence conceded that “we don’t have enough tests today to meet what we anticipate will be the demand going forward.” Meanwhile Trump has been spreading outrageous and dangerous lies, such as telling his state media pal Sean Hannity that it's okay with people contaminated with the virus to go to work.

In somewhat better news, Trump signed a bill that would devote $8.3 billion to fight the coronavirus—though it should be noted that the president only asked for $2.5 billion and congress rightly recognized that his figure was woefully inadequate.

Fears continue to escalate that America's economy could crash and burn if misinformed healthy people stop going out to restaurants, events, traveling, going to the gym, and more. The Dow dropped by more than 700 points, as global stocks continue their tumble.

A federal judge has ripped corrupt Trump lackey William Barr a new one for the way the Attorney General misled the public in his announcement of the Mueller report last year. Now this same judge plans on conducting "an independent review of Mueller’s full report to see if the Justice Department’s redactions were appropriate." Spoiler Alert: They weren't!

An anti-Semite was ejected from a Bernie Sanders event for waving a Nazi flag. (Reminder that Sanders is Jewish, and Nazis can go to hell.)

Elizabeth Warren, who ended her presidential run yesterday, gave a GREAT interview on Rachel Maddow yesterday in which she offered inspiring reasons for women not to give up hope of attaining the presidency, while also calling out Sanders for not doing enough to curb some of the venomous assholes who support him.

Still a good dog.

After initially refusing, Facebook finally decided to take down ads from the Trump campaign that advertised a fake census but was really about donating to the president's reelection efforts. I STILL HATE FACEBOOK.

In the new documentary about Hillary Clinton, hubby Bill expressed regret over upending the life of former lover Monica Lewinsky, claiming he used the affair to "manage stress."

Employees of book publisher Hachette walked off the job in protest of their company publishing Woody Allen's new memoir.

Today in "Headlines that Reflect the World in Which We Now Live": "Yeehaw! William Shatner Just Won a Bunch of Horse Jizz in His Divorce."

IN LOCAL NEWS: Oregon and county health officials are urging people with MILD coronovirus symptoms to to hold off on contacting their doctors, and stay home until 24 hours after these symptoms have subsided. Also if you're healthy, you're currently okay to live your life and go about your business. “As of right now, COVID-19 is not severe enough or widespread enough to proactively implement preventive school closures or cancel community events," they said. Our Blair Stenvick has even more details and updates.

Meanwhile in Washington state, the death toll from coronavirus has risen to 13, with 72 confirmed cases.

Following huge outcry from the public, the city attorney has withdrawn the problematic argument that the mother of Quanice Hayes was partially responsible for the death of her son at the hands of Portland Police. Our Alex Zielinski has more.

The Oregon legislative session ended early leaving over 100 bills undecided—some extremely necessary to the state—because chickenshit Republican crybabies walked off their jobs to protest cap-and-trade legislation. VOTE. THEM. OUT. WITH. EXTREME. PREJUDICE.

HEY, YOU LOVE COCKTAILS, RIGHT? Then don't miss the upcoming Mercury HIGHBALL week, featuring 50 craft cocktails for only (*checks notes*) $5?? Wow!

Now let's squint at the skies for a peep at the WEATHER: Expect scattered showers over the next couple of days with a high of 50—but a nice, sunny, and dry Sunday!

And finally, this weekend do something to make the world react to you like these ladies are reacting to this kid.