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Despite what our idiot president suggests, DONT DRINK LYSOL.
Despite what our idiot president suggests, DON'T DRINK LYSOL. Courtesy Don't Drink Lysol

GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! Your sweet, sweet voice would ring in my ear, then delay my system when you are near. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

Oregon hospitals will soon be able to continue non-essential medical procedures and elective surgeries, according to an announcement made by Gov. Kate Brown yesterday. The lifted restrictions are contingent on hospitals meeting requirements for beds and protective gear, and our Blair Stenvick is on hand with more details.

As of yesterday the total number of positive COVID-19 cases in Oregon (that we know of) was 2,127. A total of 83 people have died, and nearly 44,000 have been tested. The US death toll is approaching 50,000 (probably an underestimation).

Here's your "fucking bummer tweet" of the day:

Oregon lawmakers approved a $32 million coronavirus spending bill that will be used on rent assistance, financial assistance for businesses, survivors of domestic and sexual abuse, and wage replacement for people whose immigration status have made it difficult to get unemployment.

Burgerville is laying off 612 employees from their Oregon and Washington chain of restaurants.

The Oregon Supreme Court ruled Thursday that the Multnomah County campaign donation limits approved by voters in a 2016 ballot measure are permissible under Oregon law—which means exactly what for local candidates like Mayor Ted Wheeler who in the past has depended on big donors? Our Blair Stenvick looks into it.

Local independent movie theater employees were having a tough time before, and now things are really tough—but they have a plan to help each other out financially.


In defiance of every scientific expert (and even blithering idiots like Trump), Brian Kemp, the dumbest governor Georgia has ever had—and that's saying something—is going ahead with his dangerous plan to begin opening up select businesses in his state, including tattoo parlors and bowling alleys, starting today.

Oh, and speaking of blithering idiots: During yesterday's press conference sideshow, the esteemed Dr. President Trump wrongly suggested that that sunlight, ultraviolet light, and household disinfectants could possibly kill COVID-19 in the human body. You probably don't need to be told this, but here's a message from the makers of Lysol: DON'T DRINK LYSOL.

Trump is expected to sign the $484 billion coronavirus relief plan that will include more money for small business loans as well as funding for hospitals and testing—BUT NO MONEY FOR STATES, who are desperately struggling to get laid off workers their unemployment. (You can thank Moscow Mitch for that!)

According to random testing in New York City, one in five people have tested positive for antibodies to the coronavirus, suggesting that as many as 2.7 million have been exposed.

Racist Republican leaders want to actually send China "a bill" for what they say were deceptive practices during the coronavirus outbreak.

And the evil continues: The Trump administration is close to gutting an Obama-era rule that protects LGBTQ patients from discrimination in health care.

Presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden is warning that Trump will use shenanigans to delay the election, and that we can also expect more Russian interference. THAT ALL SOUNDS CORRECT.

In TAYLOR SWIFT news: The artist is pissed that her former manager has released an old concert live album bearing her name, which she has officially disowned.

Because she's perfect: "Beyoncé gives $6m to coronavirus relief, including mental health causes."

Need a laugh? Get your tickets PRONTO for the live stream edition of the I, Anonymous show TONIGHT, FRIDAY April 24 at 8 pm! Check out the details and the KILLER lineup of comedians here!

Look, you're stuck inside, creative, going nuts, and need money, right? Then enter your short confinement-themed film in the Confinement (online) Film Festival, better known as CoFF!

Now let's peer upward at today's WEATHER: Morning sprinkles followed by a dry afternoon and a high of 63!

And finally, if you aren't recreating a Disney musical this weekend, then you're doing quarantine wrong.