MONDAY, JUNE 19 It's Monday, and GOD is already taking a beating. According to The New York Times, the Supreme Court put the kibbosh today on public praying at high school football games. Back in March, the Santa Fe School District argued that if students were not allowed to express religious views at the games, it would violate their First Amendment rights. However, Justice John Paul Stevens disagreed, stating "the delivery of a pre-game prayer has the improper effect of coercing those present to participate in an act of religious worship." While One Day at a Time salutes the Supremes for their judicious decision, we feel it doesn't go far enough. We would ask the Court to further extend this decision to include high school cheerleaders who coerce onlookers by screaming, "We've got spirit, yes we do! We've got spirit, how about YOU??"
TUESDAY, JUNE 20 Contrary to popular belief, Tuesday was not National Public Masturbation Day. A man was spotted on the corner of 28th and Stark this morning, pretending to whip his skippy. Apparently, the man mistook his penis for a 3-foot metal rod, which was clenched tightly between his legs. As a series of aghast PTA moms and soccer kids drove by, he stroked his metal rod with abandon, shouting out jolly exclamations in honor of this non-existent holiday.
In a similar case, a young man in his early 20s was later spotted standing near Meier & Frank, gazing longingly at the dysfunctional families passing by. As one particularly dysfunctional family approached, the well-dressed young gent pulled out his real member and began spanking his wild baloney pony. Though the gesture was probably meant to inspire and galvanize the family into a more loving, cohesive unit, it was unsuccessful. The masturbator was rebuffed, and the co-dependent family continued making passive-aggressive remarks as they traveled down their personal street of quiet desperation.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 21 From crimes of love, to crimes of hate: the Senate voted today to make hate attacks on gays a federal offense. With a final vote of 57 to 42, this was the first time Democrats and Republicans teamed up for the federal protection of gays. Orrin G. Hatch was the only Senator (Republican, naturally!) to openly speak against the bill, calling it unnecessary, because hate crimes are already prosecuted by the states and the bill might violate their precious authority.
While we would all hate for some pig-fucking state trooper in Iowa to have his authority threatened in deference to the safety of a much-persecuted minority, One Day at a Time contends that the bill (once again) doesn't go far enough! For example, Orrin Hatch might be very interested in the way some of the Merc's distribution team was harassed by certain Portland business owners over our latest Queer issue (Vol. 1, No. 3). "We don't want your faggot paper in here!" was but one of the epitaphs hurled at our harried employees, and we think such remarks made by homophobic stinkholes should be declared a federal crime! So, put that in your snatch, Orrin Hatch--and smoke it!
THURSDAY, JUNE 22 You know, there's nothing One Day at a Time likes better after a long, hard day of reading fashion magazines on the couch, than kicking up our boots at the Neon Spur, located behind the Original Taco House on SE Powell and 35th. The Spur is a relaxing respite from the hip boredom of many of our area's drinkeries, and the only one boasting a mechanical bull. Tonight at the Spur, alongside some very unerotic genitalia fondling on the dance floor, we saw our first Country & Western bar room brawl! Two gentlemen, dressed in the requisite stonewashed jeans and hubcap sized belt buckles, got into an altercation overyou guessed ita woman! After engaging in a two-minute neck-lock (also a requisite), one man actually cracked the other over the noggin with a pool cue! Just like in the movies! At this point the bouncer interceded, and after tense negotiations, the two drunkards shook hands and wandered away, perhaps a little wiser to the ways of women and the world. Yeeeee-HAW! (Learn more about the Neon Spur in this week's Club Directory Calendar, p 22!)
FRIDAY, JUNE 23 In a rare moment of mental clarity, a bunch of Oregon potheads decided to sue Secretary of State Bill Bradbury today for refusing to accept electronic signatures over the internet. In an attempt to legalize marijuana, the Campaign for the Restoration and Regulation of Hemp began gathering signatures for their pro-marijuana initiative two weeks ago on a website entitled www.ballotdirect.com. At this time, state law only allows for original, handwritten signatures. While only 100 signatures have been gathered on the website, the tokers claim to have more than enough hand-written names (over 67,000) to qualify their initiative, which would allow liquor stores to sell marijuana. While One Day at a Time occasionally enjoys "the kind," as well as visiting our fine state-run liquor establishments, we still think the bong-huffing initiative (ahem) doesn't go far enough! If liquor stores are allowed to sell pot, then they should also be allowed to sell fireworks, handguns, and tampons. After all, what's a girl to do in an emergency?
SATURDAY, JUNE 24 Frequent Mercury readers have probably surmised the unholy love our editor has for actor Patrick Swayze. Well, you don't know the half of it! Rarely a meeting goes by without him quoting monologues from Swayze films such as Road House, Point Break, or Red Dawn. And if the paper goes a week without a single Swayze mention? Heads roll. That's why One Day at a Time is taking a bullet for the team by printing the following Swayze news item.
Federal investigators assert that Patrick Swayze's recent airplane crash was probably NOT caused by him being looped to the gills on Pabst Blue Ribbon. Though onlookers claim he appeared intoxicated after climbing out of his downed Cessna, investigators found a broken hose clamp which could have caused the cabin to lose pressure. This along with Swayze's incessant chain smoking, might've been the cause for his erratic behavior, bloodshot eyes, and--if it satisfies my boss--even the empty beer cans found on the plane. Therefore, Patrick Swayze's good name has been cleared, Patrick Swayze is perfect in every way, and if I ever have to write the name Patrick Swayze again, I may suffer a cerebral hemorrhage. So whaddaya say, boss? HAPPY?
SUNDAY, JUNE 25 From the "Oh Jesus not again" file, comes this story about brand-spanking new computer technology: Internet-odors. Soon, after logging on to www.hairybutts.com, you'll actually be able to smell the stinky crack thanks to small contraptions that plug into your computer and emit actual odors. DigiScents Inc. of Oakland is designing the system called (and I wish I were joking) "iSmell," in which smells would be decoded from an internal palette, much like colors. While One Day at a Time applauds the company's ingenuity, we would like to say that it doesn't go far e--wait a second. You know what? It does go far enough. In fact, too far enough.
Got some dirt? Then shovel it my way! ann@portlandmercury.com
