monday oct 16

Dear Diary: Today was close to being the most horrible day EVER! According to a report from Gallitin, Tennessee's News-Examiner, a mother reported her own son to the police after discovering that he was plotting to kill the megadreamy boys of 'N Sync! The mother called the police after discovering a folder in her son's bedroom labeled "Operation Death Strike." Inside was a "pretty detailed plan" in which the boy would "take out" the owner of a local gun store, steal a weapon, then somehow make it to Atlanta just in time for the October 21 'N Sync concert at the Philips Arena. The plot also included a "Plan B" in case the cops caught wind of "Plan A." Now, the question we and the rest of America are dying to know is WHY, WHY, WHY would ANYONE want to harm 'N Sync?? This fun-loving group of cuties have made it their mission to entertain the world and spread joy wherever they sing; so again, WHY?!? Well, according to a statement given to local police, it's because, quote, "the group gets all the good girls." Well, if that's the way he feels about it, why doesn't he leave 'N Sync alone, and join the boys of O-Town?

tuesday oct 17

Dear Diary: Today we watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and while we agree that Buffy's b-friend Riley (played by the hunkalicious Marc Blucas) is a straight-up babe, we're secretly happy that he'll soon be leaving the show. Oops! Wasn't supposed to tell you that! On the upside, the dreamy Seth Green (who until last year played Willow's werewolf sweetie, Oz) will be paying a few visits to the show, especially after the Halloween episode in which we find out that Willow's new gf Tara isn't exactly what she seems...Oops! (As Brit says) We did it again.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Eminem, Mya and (be still my heart) Chris Kirkpatrick from 'N Sync! (Glad this b-day wasn't your last!)

wednesday oct 18

Dear Diary: Omigod... only 36 more days until the release of the Backstreet Boys' new album, Black and Blue! And while the prospect of a new BSB disc always makes us dampen, we are less than enthused with the sudden disturbing trends in boy band marriages. Not only did BSB's Kevin tie the knot with some tramp recently, even worse, today 98 Degrees' hottiest of hotties Drew got married to his "high school sweetheart" (read: SLUT!) Oh! And then to make matters worse, we find out that after months of denial Britney finally decides to 'fess up to the German press (of all people), admitting that she and 'N Sync's Justin have been dating for MONTHS! Are wedding bells ringing for this self-proclaimed virgin and the boy we haven't had a crush on since fall of '99? We don't know, and we don't care, but Jessica Simpson better take a clue and keep her stinking hands off of 98 Degrees' Nick--that man is OURS!

thursday oct 19

Dear Diary: Here are MTV's Top 10 TRL (Total Request Live) Videos for 10/19/00:

1. Backstreet Boys, "Shape of My Heart"

2. Britney Spears, "Lucky"

3. Ricky Martin, "She Bangs"

4. Christina Aguilera, "Come On Over Baby"

5. Limp Bizkit, "Rollin'"

6. Mya, "Case of the Ex"

7. Blink 182, "Man Overboard"

8. Soul Decision, "Faded"

9. Offspring, "Original Prankster"

10. 98 Degrees, "Give Me Just One Night (Una Noche)"

Plus we'd like to give a shoutout to all our readers over at Lake Oswego High! Whoooo!! You guys ROCK!

friday oct 20

Dear Diary: Today we learned that George Clooney does not sniff armpits. He wrote it in a letter to Elle magazine -- he said, "I do not sniff armpits." The ladies at Elle had implied that he did sniff armpits, when they ran his picture next to a "tell-all" story by a woman who claimed to have had her armpits sniffed by an "unnamed" actor. This, we have learned, is called a "sexual peccadillo." Whatever. We didn't think there was anything wrong with pit-sniffing at all, until "Mr. I'm Too Sexy For E.R." had to go and make a big stink over it. Like, he's never sniffed a pit in, like, his whole life. And if he's never sniffed a pit, what gives him the right to vilify it? What gives him the right to be all "that's bad," and "oh my god, gross?" We weren't offended by the Elle pit-sniffing scandal. In fact, for a few short weeks, that article made us feel just a little less alone in the world. Then George had to go Jesse Helms on us. Note to self: Look up "peccadillo."

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Snoop Dogg!

saturday oct 21

Dear Diary: Today we got our period.

sunday oct 22

Dear Diary: Life is SO unfair. First the North Pole melts. Then they cancel Young Americans. Now, we find out that according to the New York Post's Page 6 gossip section, brat-packer Anthony Michael Hall got totally beat up outside a bar. OK, so he started it, but I'm sure he was only defending the honor of Ally Sheedy or Molly Ringwald or some other girl who's smart and unpopular yet still super pretty. Besides, the other guy was way bigger and a total jock. Hall ended up with a broken nose and a "face full of blood," and his fight club chum--who incidentally looked a lot like Emilio Estevez--walked away fit as a fiddle. Luckily Judd Nelson happened to be rolling by on a scooter, and he was able to flag down John Hughes and the two of them carried Hall to the hospital where sexy nurse Kelly LeBrock revived Hall with mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. I guess he's gonna be OK. But with that broken nose, what's gonna happen to his career?!?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Zac Hanson!

ann@portlandmercury.com