MONDAY, APRIL 23
Let it be known that hardly anything shocks One Day at a Time. Every
week we dig deep into the national and local media to bring you the most salacious,
atrocity-ridden news bits that can brighten up even the most boring breakfast.
Whether it’s murder, natural disaster, or wedding announcements, One Day is proud that no matter how bizarre the news gets, our perfect, coiffed
head stays right on our smooth, supple neck, where it belongs. That said, the
following story FREAKED US OUT! The kids over at Lewis & Clark College have come up with an original idea to let President Bush know how unhappy
they are with his anti-abortion policies: They’re mailing him their pubic hair.
In a press release issued today, the “BUSH IS OUT!” campaign announced that a
group of young men and women on campus want to get rid of Bush so badly, they’d
start by getting rid of their own. So beginning this past weekend, the group began
shaving their “bushes” in an effort to raise money for Planned Parenthood,
and then mailing the curly remains of their mounds to the President along with
a letter opposing his policies. Okay. Now let’s ask the kids a few questions:
A) Do your parents have any idea what you’re doing at school?? B) You washed down
there first, right? And C) You realize that after Bush receives a large quantity
of pubic hair in the mail, he probably won’t be struck by an overwhelming desire
to change his mind about abortion, right? If you answered “yes” to all those questionswell,
then have a good time. Just please remember–we’re pro-abortion, too!!

TUESDAY, APRIL 24
Remember R.E.M.? The ’80s band fronted by the
bald Shiny, Happy People guy? Yeah, that’s them. Anyway, guitarist Peter
Buck found himself in a jolly old pickle today after having to apologize
for a mid-air hissy fit on British Airways. He made a public statement
outside a London court for allegedly assaulting two British Airways cabin
crew members in the first class section of a flight from Seattle to London.
Apparently, the guitarist had consumed a few too many little tiny bottles, used
“threatening and abusive behavior,” “upended a trolley,” and caused “criminal
damage to a quantity of crockery.” (God! We LOVE the British!) Meanwhile,
halfway ’round the world in Athens, GA, lead singer Michael Stipe (the
previously mentioned bald guy) was getting into a “row” of his own. According
to industry gossip, Stipe has had it up to here with speed bumps on the
street in front of his house, and has taken to hanging signs outside
alerting the world of this fact. In response, his neighbors have started hanging
their own signs in response to Michael’s signs which would then cast
aspersions on the veracity of Michael’s signs in order to win the public over
to the opinions stated on their signs. Just another good reason to stop
bitching and moaning, folks. Portland is doing just fine.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 25
Congratulations to Mr. and Mrs. Randy Woodfield, who were married
today in a private ceremony held today at the Oregon State Penitentiary.
The groom is a convicted serial murderer also known as the “I-5 killer“
for his string of brutal sexual attacks on women along Interstate 5 during 1980-81.
Little is known about the blushing bride, other than her maiden name is Jennifer
Lyn Coria, and that she was wooed behind Plexiglass by the incarcerated
killer over a series of visits to the penitentiary over the last several months.
After vows were exchanged in the warden’s office, the happy couple were then
whisked off to an all-expense paid honeymoon in the “conjugal trailer” which sits behind the prison. In the unlikely event Woodfield is ever paroled,
the couple plan to settle down in a cozy little cottage “as far away from the
I-5 corridor as possible!” Good luck, you crazy lovebirds!

THURSDAY, APRIL 26
May Day is just around the corner, which means City Hall has been scrambling
and tugging out their collective hair like a troubled parent. Fearful that this
year’s parade will once again erupt in riots, city officials have been
trying everything to appease angry protestors, short of delivering pizza and
beer. Example: The May Day Coalition have been refusing to obtain a parade
permit, claiming it’s their First Amendment right to march and yell hilariously
clunky chants. They’re also pissed the permit would require organizers
to sign an agreement releasing the city from any liability (such as if a police
officer were to play knick-knack-paddy-whack on a protester’s skull). This caused
City Council to take out a parade permit in the Coalition’s behalf, hoping it
would soothe the patchouli-scented beast. Unfortunately, City Hall’s relief
was short-lived. In a letter sent today to City Hall, the May Day Coalition
effectively told the Council, “Thanks but up yours, pig!” A spokesperson
for the group, Andy Davis wrote, “Thank you very much, but we can run our own
parade,” adding that as far as they’re concerned, “cops will not be welcomed.“ Does this mean Portland will see a repeat performance of last year’s event?
All we know is that if you happen to own a brand-new SUV maybe you’d better
take the looooong way home.

FRIDAY, APRIL 27
The Oregonian reported today that SBC Holding Inc., the brewery that used
to market Crazy Horse Malt Liquor, has settled a suit brought about by
offended Native Americans. Evidently some folks were miffed at the exploitation
of a beloved Native American hero to hock the poison that devastated his people.
The settlement? We kid you not: 32 Pendleton blankets, 32 braids of sweet
grass, 32 twists of tobacco, and seven thoroughbred racehorses. (This is true.
We swear.) No word on whether the blankets were inspected for smallpox.

SATURDAY, APRIL 28
U.S. millionaire Dennis Tito blasted off into space today, after forking
over an estimated $20 million for the privilege. He said that he hoped his trip
would encourage others to pay $20 million for the experience so that “prices
would start to go down.” Before you take out your checkbook, we thought
we’d take a look at what else $20 million can buy.

•1 organic Fuji apple (at $1.65 per pound) for each of the 12.1 million children living in poverty in the U.S;

•One year of life-prolonging antiviral drug therapy (at the rock bottom price of $1,000 per year) for 20,000 of the 24 million people dying of AIDS in Africa;

•One year of health insurance (at a premium of $100 per month) for 16,667 of the 861,000 children with out health insurance in Oregon;

•1,333 midsize Saturn L100 sedans at a starting price of $14,995.

SUNDAY, APRIL 29
According to CNN.com today, Vice President
Dick Cheney has rejected the Pope’s request that President Bush spare
Timothy McVeigh’s life. Apparently President Bush was on the verge of
granting the call for clemency when Cheney intervened, explaining that the plea
was from the Pope, and not Bob Hope, as Bush had misunderstood. The Pope
had already agreed to meet the president for 18 holes at Pebble Beach and a
brief USO tour, before the identity mix-up was revealed. They all had a good
laugh.