MONDAY, JUNE 11 Today terrorist Timothy McVeigh was put to death by lethal injection for the Oklahoma City bombing that killed 168 people on April 19, 1995. Though many were expecting a public apology for his crimes, McVeigh was staunchly unrepentant. Outside the prison, many of the survivors of the bombing watched with mixed emotions. One person whose emotions were decidedly unmixed was Raymond Washburn, a survivor who worked in the building's concession stand. "McVeigh is a coward and a lowdown bastard," he said. "Somebody tried to take my life, they deserve to burn in hell." However, America's seething hatred for McVeigh soon turned to giggly excitement after a brand new website was introduced on the internet that allows fans to follow Britney Spears and her 'N Sync b-friend, Justin Timberlake, on a New York shopping spree! The seven minute interactive video shows Britney and Justin filling their shopping carts with the latest fashion accessories, and gives viewers the opportunity to purchase the exact same Dolce & Gabbana T-shirt (retail value: $194.90) if they so choose. Michael Landau, merchandising manager for Yahoo shopping, gushed, "This is just the tip of the iceberg! Consumers love to know what famous persons are wearing." In that same spirit, One Day feels it is her duty to announce that on the day of his execution, Timothy McVeigh was wearing prison-wear orange.

TUESDAY, JUNE 12 The collective world of classical music was torn asunder today after it was reported that Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart may not have perished at the hands of rival composer Antonio Salieri, but rather fell victim to a couple of bad pork cutlets. According to University of Washington researcher Jan Hirschmann, Mozart's symptoms at the time of his death--fever and swollen limbs-- fit those of trichinosis, a parasitic worm that can be found in infected meat. Another tell-tale clue was found in a letter written to his wife two months before his death, where Mozart expressed great excitement over an upcoming meal: "What do I smell?" he wrote. "Pork cutlets! Che gusto! I eat to your health." Unfortunately for Mozart, the doctors of the time had no knowledge of trichinosis, often dismissing the symptoms as a sure sign of syphilis, and treating it with cold compresses and blood-letting. But happily for those living our modern age, pork cutlets are a delicious, nourishing and most importantly safe meal that can be enjoyed by the entire family! So go on! Eat some delicious pork today! (The preceding message was brought to you by One Day and the Oregon Pork Board.)

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 13 This just in: Boy Scouts are really dumb! The Oregonian reported today about a group of Boy Scouts camping out in the Mt. Hood National Forest who accidentally stumbled upon a live pipe bomb. And while we'd like to say the Scouts did the right thing by quietly creeping away from the explosive device, and immediately reporting it to the proper authorities--we can't. In fact, the dopey Scouts did everything with the bomb except play "kick the can." First, they picked it up and carried it to a nearby lake, where they soaked it overnight. The next morning they pulled the soggy bomb out of the water, hiked with it until they reached their van, and then drove two miles back to the Pine Point Campground office, where they finally dropped it off. Unsurprisingly, the campground official wasn't thrilled by the delivery, and immediately called the bomb squad who shortly thereafter arrived to disarm it. According to officials it was the latest in a series of explosive devices found in nearby campgrounds (including one that did $11,000 in damage to a pit toilet. Peeeeee-EWW!). Authorities note that the best thing to do if you spot a pipe bomb is to (duh) leave it alone, and (duh, duh) call 911--unless of course you're working toward a "Dumbshit" merit badge.

THURSDAY, JUNE 14 The heart of every single person in Portland stopped momentarily today when it was learned that the beloved Benicio Del Toro injured himself during the filming of The Hunted. One of People magazine's "50 Sexiest People," Benicio was filming a knife-fight scene with co-star Tommy Lee Jones in Silver Falls, when he accidentally slipped and fell. Grasping his wrist in pain, Benicio was immediately whisked to a highly respected wrist surgeon at an unnamed hospital in Vancouver, WA. According to inside sources on the scene, whose knowledge only the Portland Mercury is privy to, the doctor was overheard to diagnose Benicio's malady as "a fractured ulna [the long skinny bone, opposite of the radius, that runs from elbow to wrist] and a dislocated lunate [middle bone of the proximal row connecting wrist to palm]." It was also reported that Benicio was "in a lot of pain" before the surgery, but the operation was a success and our hometown dreamboat is now resting comfortably. Our fondest get-well wishes go out to Benicio, and One Day will be happy to forward any sympathy cards or letters from his many fans. Send them to "Get Well, Benicio!" c/o Portland Mercury, 1524 NW 23rd Ave, Suite 2, Portland, 97210.

FRIDAY, JUNE 15 The Oregonian reported today that the Multnomah County sheriff's department has arrested a sullen, 20-year-old kid named Wayne for impersonating a police officer. Wayne is described by The Oregonian as having "the rugged good looks of a young cop." If that weren't enough, he also had a patrol car, badge, police radio, bulletproof vest and a battery charger. Multnomah County Sheriff's personnel became suspicious after they noticed him idling outside the building in his patrol car, making too many copies on the copy machine, and kicking ass at the interdepartmental softball game. Or was it his strapping biceps and dashing visage? He was finally arrested in the midst of arguing with a motorist he had pulled over. The motorist, who was doughy and misshapen, had become disoriented after noticing Officer Wayne's sculpted cheekbones and rippling midsection.

SATURDAY, JUNE 16 Forget Greenpeace, this year we're sending our bottle caps to the folks fighting the good fight at the Apostrophe Protection Society. The New York Times reported today that the APS, formed just weeks ago, has already swelled to 257 members, including the crotchety British founder John Richards. Richards was apparently irked one too many times by signs that offered "CD's," "menu's," and "ladies fashions." Now, as president of APS, Richards spends his days composing letters to offenders and offering corrections. Let's be clear: We support the APS wholeheartedly, but if you write us with some sort of grammar correction we will slap you with hot ladles until your forehead distends. Semi colon help; though, i's always' appreciated.

SUNDAY, JUNE 17 The Oregonian reported today that rock star Alice Cooper participated in the Scott Thomason/Neil Lomax Quarterback Shootout golf tournament. He is, apparently, an "above average" golfer. He plays six times a week. Alice Cooper. And you wet your pants when he guillotined himself on stage. Want to see something really scary? Picture this: Alice Cooper in a golf shirt.