MONDAY, OCTOBER 8 Those of us who have not been completely swept up by patriotism and are still capable of forming coherent thoughts, know that the United States government played a significant role in why certain Middle Eastern nations hate our guts. But hold on a second! That doesn't mean that your Uncle Manny is completely wrong when he says those guys in the Taliban are "freaking CRAZY!" According to British newspaper The Sunday Telegraph, the ruling Taliban chief Mullah Mohammed Omar is barking loopy! The doctor who attends Omar was quoted as saying, "He locks himself away for two or three days at a time and the official line is that he is having visions--but in fact he is suffering from brain seizures." Omar, who is rarely seen outside the bomb-proof house built for him by Osama bin Laden, is rumored to be bonkers because of a piece of shrapnel lodged in his brain acquired from a Russian rocket hitting his mosque in 1989. Nowadays, Omar has severe mood swings--when he's not throwing violent fits, he goes through bouts of extreme childlike behavior "where he sits in the driving seat of one of his cars, turning the steering wheel while making the noise of an engine." Naturally, this is all hilariously funny. That is, until we see President Bush make one of his impromptu speeches. Ohhhh why can't he just sit in a parked car saying "Vroom, vrooom, VROOOOOOOM"?

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 9 Regardless of the fact that you have as much chance of coming in contact with anthrax as you have getting run over by the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile, the nation is having a major marijuana stylee over the deadly compound. A few days ago, 63-year-old Bob Stevens, who worked as a photo editor for the Sun tabloid, came in contact with the anthrax virus and, soon after, died. However, here's the weird part. Newsweek's website reported today that the anthrax came to the Sun's offices in an envelope that contained a "weird love letter to Jennifer Lopez." The letter also reportedly contained "a soapy, powdery substance" and a "Star of David charm." On the other hand, MSNBC contradicts the story, saying that neither Stevens, nor a mailroom employee, who also contracted the virus, ever handled the letter. Law enforcement officials assigned to the case believe the two men contracted the bacteria by other means. However, they were quick to agree with the letter-writer that J.Lo should stick with romantic comedies like The Wedding Planner, rather than thrillers like The Cell. Meanwhile, conservative radio jackass Rush Limbaugh announced to his equally idiotic listeners that he is "for all practical purposes, deaf." He says he's completely deaf in one ear, and only has 80 percent hearing in the other, and can only understand someone "if their voice frequency happens to fit the range that I can still hear." And if there is a God, those people will include Alan Alda, Roseanne Barr, Nelly Furtado, and Carrot Top.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 10 More freak-outs in our nation's skies! According to the Associated Press, a Delta flight from Atlanta to L.A. was diverted to Louisiana today when a passenger passed a weird note to the pilot (and no, it didn't have anything to do with J. Lo). Apparently, the pilot had made an announcement that they would be "taking a different flight path due to bad weather." At this point, passenger Edward Stephenson from Venice, California (read: POTHEAD!) handed a note to flight attendants saying, "the pilot shouldn't divert from the original flight path" and other "language that seemed bizarre." Though the Stephenson did not make any physical threats, the flight was escorted to Shreveport by an F-16, and the passenger was arrested for interfering with a flight crew member and attendants. This is the THIRD in-flight incident this week, because on Monday two F-16s escorted an American Airlines flight when a "deranged man" entered the cockpit, and on Tuesday a 31-year-old Australian man got drunk and struck an attendant. The obvious moral of this story is that we should all stop drinking, stop sending notes, and start booking flights solely on F-16s.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 11 Like us, you've probably been deluged with sicko photographs sent via e-mail since the September 11th attacks. There's the one with the guy standing atop the World Trade Center that features a crashing plane prominently in the background (FAKE!!), as well as the one that shows Osama bin Laden as a 7-11 employee (racist and FAKEY-FAKEY-FAKE!!). However, strangely enough, if you've received a picture of Osama with Bert from Sesame Street in the background believe it or not, that shit is REAL! Apparently, the picture was taken at a rally in Bangladesh by a foreign Reuters photographer who had no idea who Bert was, and asked her editor, "what's up with the weird puppet?" Naturally, everybody thinks it's hee-larious except for--of course!--the producers of Sesame Street, who said, "[Our show] has always stood for mutual respect and understanding. We're outraged that our characters would be used in this unfortunate and distasteful manner." President Bush was reported to have thanked the Children's Television Workshop for their concern, and in the name of protecting kids everywhere, promised to fire 235 more Tomahawk missiles down the Taliban's throats.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 12 KOIN 6 News reported today that traffic on a half-mile stretch of State Street in Lake Oswego was closed this morning, as hazmat crews examined a white powder that they thought just might be BIOTERRORISM. Police told KOIN that the powder was in a "discernable pattern," indicating that it had not been left accidentally. A pentagon? A smiley face? They wouldn't say. To add to the tension, FRESH GRAFITTI was found nearby, also in a discernable pattern, indicating that it TOO had not been left accidentally. A tag? A diatribe against newsman Tom Brokaw? Again, no word. Was this the work of L.O.-hating TERRORISTS?!!! Or the work of a crazed spray-painting baker?? Or was it just a block of cocaine that fell off the back of an L.O. teenager's 4 X 4? If you have any information about this possible BIOTERRORIST ATTACK, (or if it was your cocaine and you would like to claim it) contact the L.O.P.D.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 13 Today the Oregonian announced that about 900 alleged potheads seeking permission to use medical marijuana have been told they must produce written documents from a new doctor. All 900 alleged potheads had their applications signed by one doctor, described as a "semi-retired Molalla osteopath" who kept no records on his patients. The doctor raised state health official eyebrows a few months ago when it was discovered that he had vouched for 40 percent of all medical marijuana use permits in the entire state. The 900 disappointed potheads had threatened to take to the streets today, but incredibly, decided en masse to stay home and watch reruns of The Simpsons.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 14 We have never listened to the band Anthrax. We only listen to divas with fabulous pointy shoes and swoopy hair. However, our heart does go out to the little band with the absurdly inappropriate and alarming name. The Cox News Service reports that the band is also distressed and wants us to know that they are not a germ or a group of especially musical terrorists. They chose the name back in high school because "it sounded cool." The Cox News Service reports that the band does not seem to be profiting from its BIOTERRORISM doppelganger; Anthrax CD sales are still in a slump. Perhaps pointy shoes would help? With stripes?

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