This week started off on the wrong foot for heart-throbby beefcake Matt Damon, who was surely thinking, "Thanks a pantload, Sandra Bullock for opening your biiiiiig mouth!" As you are undoubtedly aware, Matty is in the midst of a rumor-storm regarding his alleged matrimonial engagement to ex-Ben Affleck personal assistant, Odessa Whitmire. And much of this brou-ha-ha was fueled by an unwitting Bullock, who made a slip of the tongue in front of a gaggle of reporters. While gabbing about Affleck's engagement, she told them, "Ben doesn't like publicity. I know he'd much rather have had it play out like Matt Damon's engagement to Odessa oops." And while Damon's publicist is screaming at the top of her lungs that the two are definitely NOT engaged, we all know publicists are goddamned liars. Besides, the New York Post reported today that the winsome Odessa was flashing a sparkling bling finger to friends just last week Meanwhile Gorgeous though they may be, Brad Pitt and his less attractive wife Jennifer Aniston are garnering an "ewwwww" for the "X-rated gifts" they've been exchanging this holiday season. According to a source close to the horny pair, "Jen and Brad have been married over a year now. They are still head over heels in love, but wanted to make sure that the sizzle stays in their sex life. So this Christmas, they went all out--from fruit-flavored massage oils, to silk underwear. They even had fantasy bedtime outfits!" Okay question one: Why does massage oil need to be "fruit-flavored?" EWW! And question two: Fantasy bedtime outfits? They're Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston, for the love of Christ! Who do they dress up like? Each other?
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 24
Today North Korea started their morning with a yawn, a stretch, and a healthy breakfast. Then they marched down to their nuclear facilities, removed the U.N. seals, and began repair work on a frozen reactor that in a few months will be able to produce enough plutonium to construct a bomb that will kill everyone in the United States. After that, we assume they had lunch, but reports vary. Regardless, this was very upsetting to the Bush administration, who feels the North Koreans are trying to blackmail the U.S. into signing a nonaggression treaty. They are also probably still sore about the whole "axis of evil" thing. But here's the problem: Asking Bush to sign a nonaggression treaty is like asking Christina Aguilera to sign an "I-Will-Not-Dress-Like-A-Slut" treaty. Therefore, the White House wisely issued two statements, starting with Statement #1: The "Cooler than Fonzie" Approach. "We've made it very clear we want a peaceful resolution to the situation North Korea has created by pursuing a covert nuclear weapons program," said spokesman Sean McCormack. "And as the President has stated before, we have no intention of invading North Korea." Later on in the day came Statement #2: The "I'm Crazy Donald Rumsfeld" Approach. When a reporter asked if the administration was distracted by Iraq, Defense Secretary Rumsfeld said, "North Korea should not feel emboldened because of the world's interest in Iraq. If they do, it would be a mistakeWe are capable of winning decisively in one and swiftly defeating in the case of the otherLet there be no doubt about it." Strangely enough, Rumsfeld's remarks did not slow down the production of any nuclear weapons in North Korea, who have been joined by Pakistan, Russia, Germany, Mexico, Canada, and a long list of other countries who are itching to kick our ass.
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 25
Today we celebrated the birth of Christ by eating a honey-baked spiral ham, getting in an argument, and then having sex. We also got presents. And though we asked for everything on the Winona Ryder shoplifting list, we only received the following: one black beaded purse (retail value: $55), one Marc Jacobs thermal top ($195), one pair brown Donna Karan socks ($20), and one Yves Saint Laurent rhinestone ponytail holder ($85). And while I was satisfied with the aforementioned receivables, I was nonetheless shocked by our hubby Kip's "surprise gift"--in which he was found sprawled across our nicest duvet wearing nothing but a red bow around his member. "Who do you think you are? Brad Pitt?" we screamed before running out of the room in disgust. Naturally, however, we ended up giving in to his carnal wishes as we always seem to do, because a) it's Christmas, b) we love our hubby with all our heart, even when he's a disgusting pig, and c) isn't that what little baby Jesus would want us to do?
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 26
According to today's Washington Post, the CIA has been using inhumane methods on prisoners being detained in a secret CIA interrogation center in Afghanistan. The center is reportedly a "cluster of metal shipping containers" located at Bagram Air Base, which is the U.S. headquarters for searching out al-Qaida operatives and members of the Taliban. In these containers, captives who refuse to cooperate are subjected to "stress and duress" tactics; they are kept in awkward positions for hours wearing black hoods, or deprived of sleep "with a 24-hour bombardment of lights." However, if they do choose to cooperate, they are rewarded with "feigned friendship, respect, cultural sensitivity and, in some cases, money." And while the U.S. government publicly denounces the use of torture, the national security officials interviewed for the story "defended the use of violence against captives as just and necessary," the Post sadly reported.
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 27
Today right-minded folk around the world recoiled in horror when a group of crazy motherfuckers announced that they had successfully cloned a human woman. The crazy motherfuckers, members of a sect called The Raëlians, believe that space travelers created the human race by cloning themselves. The so-called "aesthetic religion" was founded by Claude Vorilhon, a former racecar driver, who says he was visited by space aliens while visiting a French volcano in 1973. (Tell us, what about this story sounds at all in any tiny way on the up and up?) The racecar driver now goes by the name Raël, and said that the much anticipated human cloning was "not a big deal." The Raëlians have yet to pony up any DNA from the mother or baby in question, and the world scientific community is, to put it mildly, laughing their asses off. All we know for sure is the baby is a seven-pound girl and the woman is a 31-year-old American--NOT US. If we were ever to buy ourselves a clone, we would most certainly want a skinny-thighed Giselle Bundchen.
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 28
According to The New York Times, the number of syphilis cases reported by gay men in Los Angeles County has increased 62 percent so far this year. For those of you keeping track--and who doesn't chart syphilis stats right next to actual rainfall in their Farmer's Almanac?--that's 360 new cases so far in 2002. Officials believe the increase is due to more gay men having more unprotected anal sex or, as Kip asks for it, "hogwild bare-backing." The fact that the statistical anomaly corresponds with Tom "I'm not Gay" Cruise's break-up with Nicole Kidman is merely coincidence.
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 29
Saudi Arabia--a country halfway around the world!--has told American military officials that the kingdom would make its airspace, air bases, and an important operations center available to the United States in the rare event of a tiny war with Iraq or whatever. This has made lots of people relieved because U.S. officials have been confused by a number of conflicting public statements made over the past several months by Saudi spokespeople. Statements include declarations like, "We will let Americans use our air bases," and "We will NEVER let Americans use our air bases," and "We will let Americans use our airbases, MAYBE." The Pentagon is very excited about Saudi Arabia's recent assurances because Saudi Arabia is very near to Iraq, and because they have camels.
