After viewing the Paris Hilton Sex Tape on the internet, our hubby Kip made the following observation: "It's kind of like watching a boring episode of Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom." Not exactly a rave review, but let's not give up on the aspiring porn career of Paris Hilton just yet--because according to the tabloid show Celebrity Justice, they have unearthed ANOTHER amateur sex tape featuring this bony debutante. Allegedly shot at the Bellagio in Las Vegas on her 22nd birthday, the producers claim the video features a nude Hilton and Playboy playmate Nicole Lenz playing with sex toys. BUT THAT'S NOT THE BEST PART. The person behind the camera was no other than former MTV Veejay Simon Rex! See, Kip? He's not dead, which means you owe us five dollars! Meanwhile! If this whole Paris Hilton scandal smells like a publicity stunt to promote her new FOX reality show, The Simple Life--wellÉ that's because it probably is. Hollywood has a rich history of boosting their stars careers by publicizing their downfalls, followed by teary apologies in an attempt to get them back in the public's good graces. And right on schedule, here comes Paris' public apology choo-chooing around the bend! Alllll aboard! "I can't walk the streets, it's too embarrassing," Paris said this week about her current sex tape predicament. "I don't want to go out anymore. I don't want to party. This has really made me think about changes that I want to make." Sources close to the Poor Little Rich Girl say that Paris has already made one significant change--now when she gets drunk and dances on the table, she promises to wear panties.
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 18
Gay rights took another big sashay forward today, when Massachusetts' Supreme Judicial Court declared the state's constitution guarantees the right of gay couples to get married--and summarily ruin their lives just like straight people. (Kip, honey! Kidding!) "Without a doubt, this is the happiest day of our lives," said Gloria Bailey, one of the seven gay couples who sued the state for refusing them marriage licenses. After hearing the evidence, Chief Judge Margaret Marshall wrote, "We declare that barring an individual from the protections, benefits, and obligations of civil marriage solely because that person would marry a person of the same sex violates the Massachusetts Constitution." Strangely enough, however, Mitt Romney, the Republican governor of the state (who is by all appearances a homophobic dickhead) disagreed with the judges ruling. "Duurrrrrr, me am dumb," said the governor in a prepared statement to the press. "My butt smells like mustard, and I like eating lead paint chips." OkayÉ he didn't say that. But he did say, "I agree with 3,000 years of recorded history. Marriage is an institution between a man and a womanÉ and our constitution and laws should reflect that." Jesus. He really is dumb.
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 19
So we were getting our bikini area waxed today, and as you know, this is no time for Consuela (our esthetician) to be interrupted. However, when her cell phone rang, she dropped everything to learn more about the juiciest piece of gossip of the week: A warrant was issued for the arrest of Michael Jackson. The charges? WellÉ c'mon! What do you think? After allegations were made by a 12-year-old boy, Jackson's Neverland ranch was swarmed and swept by detectives and forensic experts yesterday. Today, apparently based on their findings, a warrant was issued for the self-proclaimed "King of Pop," with bail being set at $3 million. Jackson's representatives quickly pooh-poohed the charges, saying, "Michael would never harm a child in any way. These scurrilous and totally unfounded allegations will be proven false in a courtroom." However, our esthetician Consuelo isn't convinced. "I'm not so sure what this word 'scurrilous' means," she said after returning to wax our nethers, "but if it's half as bad as what he did to his eyebrows, then I say, 'Guilty as charged.'"
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 20
And speaking of all things "scurrilous," President Bush dropped in on British Prime Minister Tony Blair to drum up more support for his ill-fated military excursion in Iraq. However, his visit was not exactly welcomed with open arms, as he was met by somewhere between 70,000 and 200,000 angry protesters. Along with a few choice conservative administration members, Bush and Blair seem to be the only people in the world who still think this Iraq situation is going to turn out well. "There have been more and more bombings since the action in Iraq and more terrorism," said demonstrator and lawyer Mischa Gorris. "You will never change the hearts and minds of terrorists by bombing them." Later on in the day, a 17-foot, bronze-painted papiér mâche statue of Bush was toppled in Trafalgar Square--a pointed reference to the downing of Saddam Hussein's statue last April. And at a Bush/Blair press conference, one reporter asked a question you'd never hear in a million years from the Washington press corps: "Mr. President, with thousands on the streetÉmarching here in London, what is your conclusion as to why many free citizens fear and even hate you?" To which Bush responded, "Freedom is beautifulÉ all I know is that people in Baghdad weren't allowed to [speak freely] until recent history." Unfortunately, the five Iraqis who might've disagreed with Bush's statement were killed today in a suicide truck bombing.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 21
Still think marijuana is perfectly safe? For your consideration: the story of Nickolas Sandoval, age 24, courtesy of the Associated Press. The setting of our tale? Texas. Our main character has just stopped to change a flat tire. Some nice police people stop to help him. Nickolas sees the nice police people and since he has been convicted at least three times of marijuana possession, he thinks it wise to attempt to hide the bag of pot that he has on his person. (Quick thinking, Nick!) So he tries to swallow it. (Bad move, Nick.) He begins to choke. (Oh, Nick.) The police people quickly ascertain that he is choking and try to stop him from choking more. They cannot. Dr. Carter is not present. Nick dies. The lesson? Do not stop to help someone who has a flat tire. It can cause a great deal of suffering.
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 22
Bethany Hamilton, the one-armed Christian surfer girl, is most certainly (with apologies to Elizabeth Smart and Jessica Lynch) the most plucky-blonde-teenager-who-has-triumphed-over-tragedy to come along in months! After a shark attack left her left-armless on Halloween, Bethany mania has been sweeping the nation and the AP reports rumors of a reality show, clothing line, and book deal in the works. Bethany spent this week doing the magazine show rounds, fulfilling what she now refers to as "God's plan," which evidently involves Inside Edition. Bethany claims to have already heard of two young girls who "came to know the Lord" because of her demonstration of faith during adversity. Which brings up the inevitable theological question: is God a shark?? And since the tiger shark that supposedly attacked Bethany was caught and killed, does that mean that God is dead? If so, the Lord works in mysterious ways indeed.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 23
The New York Times reported today that the Feds are on to you. Specifically they are very suspicious and concerned about that anti-war bumper sticker on the back of your Forester. They are also really, really concerned about all you "extremist elements" out there who are organizing anti-war demonstration "training camps." The G-men are not amused that you have purchased gas masks to ward off police tear gas attacks. They think this is cheating. But what really gets their goat are all you anarchists (you know who you are). Boy, do those G-men have your number. They are infiltrating your meetings, handing out leaflets with you, and even impressing you with their macramé prowess. Beware new recruits in clean flannel who wear earpieces. And please clear our email address off your distribution list. (We are so wishing we never ordered those Earth Liberation Front coasters for Kip's birthday. They were just so cute, with those pictures of little burning Hummers.)