It was the "YEEE-AGGHH-A-UHHH!" heard 'round the world. Today projected Democratic frontrunner Howard Dean got his ass handed to him by a surprised John Kerry in the Iowa caucuses. Though the mass media had previously heralded Dean's campaign as "a new breed of grassroots/internet politics," the former Vermont governor made the unfortunate mistake of forgetting that no one in Iowa has ever heard of the internet. The loss obviously came as a great shock to his supporters and to Dean himself who tried to "buck up their spirits" by employing a largely unused political tactic: the psychotic rant. (The following excerpt from Dean's concession speech works best if you imagine one of those "punching nun puppets" except with Dean's face on it, and yelling like a graveled-voiced Kermit the Frog.) "We're going to South Carolina, and Oklahoma, and Arizona, and North Dakota and New Mexicooo! And we're going to California and Texas and New York! And we're going to South Dakota and Oregon! And Washington! and MICHIGAN!! AND THEN WE'RE GOING TO WASHINGTON, D.C. TO TAKE BACK THE WHITEHOUSE! YEEE-AGGHH-A-UHHH!" The reactions to Dean's speech were uncharacteristically to the point. "He looked like a rabid dog," said Charlie Cook, publisher of a nonpartisan Washington newsletter. "To say he looked unpresidential is an understatement." Don Sipple, a GOP media strategist, unsurprisingly agreed. "It's hard to watch that scene and not conclude he is an angry guy who may be border-line psychotic." Dean has since tried to play down the furor by blaming his Monday night performance on a bad case of warts. "Look, I'm not a perfect person," Dean told a crowd of supporters. "I have my warts. I sometimes say things that get me in trouble. But I'm willing to say things that are not popular but ordinary people know are right." Dean hopes to regain lost ground in upcoming primaries in New Hampshire and South Carolina--a state well known for its acceptance of warts. "YEEE-AGGHH-A-UHHH!"
TUESDAY, JANUARY 20
Today President Bush spoke to congress and the American people in his State of the Union address. Ker-SNOOZE! Happily, something far more startling and wonderful also occurred today that quickly drowned out the droning half-assed excuses of our feeble-minded leader; J.LO and B.AFF have officially broken up! "Jennifer Lopez has ended her engagement to Ben Affleck," a LO-kesperson told E! News. "At this difficult time, we ask that you respect her privacy." Yeahhhh... RIGHT! Us Weekly is describing the split as mutual, but according to one of their sources, B.AFF was doing too much hemming and hawing about jumping on the marriage and baby train, and Lopez "was tired of waiting for him to come around." Rumors have been swirling about the impending breakup for weeks, culminating in a story of J.LO recently being seen in the company of her former paramour, Sean "H.R. Puff-N-Diddy" Combs. Regardless, now comes the fun part: Figuring out "who will keep what" after the breakup. We assume Ben will keep the multi-million dollar Savannah, GA mansion, and LO will retain her 6.1-carat pink-diamond engagement ring, and the three unused Vera Wang wedding dresses. But the most pressing question is: Will she let Ben keep that adorable B.AFF acronym? As the good book of One Day clearly states, "The LO giveth--and the LO taketh away."
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 21
While we're waiting for THE TRIAL OF MICHAEL JACKSON to begin, here's some nacho cheesy news to nibble on: Mentalist and spoon-bender Uri Geller tricked Michael into proclaiming his innocence! According to the New York Daily News, Geller--a self-described paranormalist most famous for using his powers of concentration to bend spoons, fix broken watches, and encouraging red radish seeds to grow--claims he hypnotized Jackson, and asked if he'd "ever touched a child or a young person in a way that you shouldn't." Geller also claims Jackson knew nothing of his questions, but decided to ask them anyway after hypnotizing the King of Pop to cure him of "an innocuous craving." [Are you as creeped out by this as we are?] Jackson is said to have fiercely denied the allegations while under hypnosis, saying, "I would never do that. My friendships with children are all very beautiful." Well, that's all we needed to hear. Michael Jackson is obviously innocent, and he should be immediately exonerated and sent home to a bed full of pre-teens. Wha... huh... ? Uri Geller! GET OUT OF OUR MIND!! (And stop bending our spoons! Our mother-in-law gave us that silverware!)
THURSDAY, JANUARY 22
Bad news for the nerds at NASA! Their unmanned Mars rover--which looks suspiciously like one of those contraptions you see on those Robot Wars competitions--has developed a "very serious anomaly" (i.e. the shit don't work). It's been over 24 hours since the "Spirit" rover stopped transmitting data, sending baffled engineers scurrying around the NASA control room in a blind, sweating panic not seen since Anna Kournikova dropped in for a visit. Until Wednesday, Spirit had been working flawlessly, sending back images showing sweeping vistas of rock, microscopic views of rock, and grand panoramic, breathtaking scenes of rock. Some scientists are proposing the problem lies in a corruption of the rover's software. However, some less bi-partisan onlookers have a more sinister theory: Since the rover symbolizes President Bush's pledge to explore Mars and beyond, candidate Howard Dean intentionally destroyed the delicate circuitry on Spirit with a well-timed and directed "YEEE-AGGHH-A-UHHH!"
FRIDAY, JANUARY 23
The Associated Press reported today that NBC has agreed to consider the possibility that Friends might not be the "best comedy ever." This unusual self-reflection comes after NBC aired a promo that posited that Friends was IN FACT the "best comedy ever." NBC has since clarified that what they meant to say was that Friends is the "best comedy ever about six people--one of whom is a paleontologist--who live in New York." This did not appease the ire of an irritated Kelsey Grammer, star of--what was that show called?--who made raucous threats to anyone listening. Luckily, nobody was.
SATURDAY, JANUARY 24
When questioned, Colin Powell admitted today that prewar Iraq may NOT have possessed weapons of mass destruction. However he's still evading the BIG question on everyone's mind: Is Friends the "best comedy ever"? "The answer to that question is, we don't know yet," Powell told reporters as he traveled to a former Soviet republic to attend the inauguration of President-elect Mikhail Saakashvili. "Was it one hundred tons, 500 tons or zero tons?" he asked. "Was it so many liters of anthrax, 10 times that amount or nothing?" OH NO, the press corps yawned. NOT weapons of mass destruction AGAIN. What we want to know is, IS FRIENDS THE "BEST COMEDY EVER"? The Bush administration has been less categorical on the issue. Vice President Dick Cheney, in an interview Wednesday with National Public Radio, said the administration was still looking into the matter. The "jury is still out," he said. "But we're ready to talk about those weapons of mass destructionÉ " Look! We're AMERICANS! And AMERICANS don't give a crap about weapons of mass destruction! Just answer the question: "IS FRIENDS THE BEST COMEDY EVER?!?"
SUNDAY, JANUARY 25
Reuters reported today that doctors are planning to remove the extra head of a baby girl born in the Dominican Republic. Extra heads are caused when a conjoined twin fails to develop in the womb--and also by talking long distance on cell phones during the first trimester. Some people with extra heads plan to protest what they say is an unnecessary and prejudiced procedureÉ but most are of two minds. (Ba-dum-BUM!) Thank you! Thank you! Have a safe trip home and don't forget to tip your waitress!
