It seems like only yesterday that the loving relationship of J.LO and B.AFF spiraled into a downward spin of irreconcilable misery. But what is J.LO doing NOW? According to the Star tabloid, the broken-hearted Ms. LO quickly cauterized her pumper and has already hopped back on the relationship horse--this time, with Latino heartthrob Marc Anthony (he's the skinny one without the mole, right?). The two were spotted hotly canoodling at posh eatery Madre's before taking a five-day siesta/fiesta in the Presidential Suite of an L.A. hotel. There they engorged on room service, watched "videos" and, according to an insider, "got reacquainted romantically." All of us here at One Day would like to congratulate the happy couple, and look forward to ruining their upcoming engagement. Meanwhile! Poor, poor Liza "With a Z" Minnelli. After all this time, ex-hubby David Gest is still clinging to the notion that he was beaten senseless by the co-star of Arthur and Arthur 2: On the Rocks. Now he's claiming his hired help was beaten as well! Gest's "bodyguard" (Ever notice when you put quotes around a word, it automatically gives it a dirty connotation? Huh. Weird.) Iman Handy claims, "She punched me in the stomach and I was like 'Whoa, she can punch. '" To protect himself from any future beatings from this aging, slightly crippled former star, Gest's "bodyguard" is expected to hire his own "bodyguard."
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 10
Caught in yet another bald-faced lie, the Bush Administration presented "irrefutable proof" that President Bush "fulfilled his duties" and "met his requirements" to the National Guard back in 1972. The only trouble? No one remembers him being there. Today Whitehouse spokesman Scott McClellan stood before the press corps proudly holding a dreadfully smudged microfiche copy of what he claims are payroll records proving Bush served his country with the National Guard. "These documents outline the days on which he was paid," McClellan beamed. "That means he served." However, it was the media who felt "they got served" (please note topical pop culture reference, thank you) by these practically unreadable payroll records. And so, after two and a half years of refusing to question Bush's outlandish policies, the Washington Press Corp finally struck back! For the next 40 minutes, reporters mercilessly grilled the spokesman on Bush's obviously false claims, forcing McClellan to resort to the last ditch effort of all Press Secretaries: HYPNOTISM. Like a mantra, McClellan continuously held up the documents and repeated the phase "the President of the United States fulfilled his duties and met his requirements"--41 times to be exact! Fortunately for the Whitehouse, by the end of the briefing, the reporters had forgotten what they had originally asked, and were once again clucking like chickens and playing tic-tac-toe.
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 11
Today the cable TV giant Comcast threatened a hostile takeover of the Walt Disney Company, which if successful, will create the world's largest media conglomeration--but don't worry Comcast customers! You'll still be grossly overcharged for a product that doesn't work for shit. Plus! Your cable installer will now be wearing whimsical mouse ears! (That is, if he shows up... and he won't). Meanwhile! After months of waiting, the entire Paris Hilton Sex Video was released on the internet today. For those who felt robbed by the grainy four-minute version of her sexy romp with ex-boytoy Rick Solomon, you can now thrill to a downloadable $50 37-minute video, featuring more sex and more inane bathroom banter. For example, while the nearly nude Paris prepares for another strenuous evening of partying, Solomon whines, "Are you gonna make me go to some stupid club?" "Yes," Paris insists, "it's Wednesday." Solomon then tries charm on the Hilton heir, wondering aloud, "We can't just stay in, and you suck my dick?" Paris sagely replies, "Ewwww!" adding "Don't talk to me like an animal." Happily these two crazy lovebirds agreed to meet in the middle; Paris won't drag him off to the club, and Solomon won't speak to her like an animal--as long as she does something else "doggy-style." "Ewww," is right.
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 12
Tonight hubby Kip Romano and I spent a romantic evening watching Survivor: All-Stars--where former contestants return for another shot at one million dollars. In this episode, Survivor: Amazon winner Jenna Morasca made a tearful announcement during the immunity challenge. "Due to someone who is very ill and at home right now [her mother, who has suffered from cancer for years] and getting worse, I have to pull myself out of the game," she said. "I love this game, but my priority is my family." That's about the moment Kip and I proclaimed rather loudly, "BULLSHIT!" As long-time Survivor watchers, we have observed Jenna bitch and moan and threaten to quit the game plenty of times in the past. And now, after spending only nine days scratching bug bites, suffering from dehydration, and watching Richard Hatch's dangling junk, she's suddenly worried about her cancer-stricken mother? "No WAY," Kip replied. "She's pussing out!" "Yeah!" I agreed. "If her mom made it this far, surely she can make it until Jenna gets voted off in a couple of weeks! Jenna is a chicken, and a thoughtless skank!" Of course, that was about the time the episode ended, and the producers put up an on-screen notice saying that Jenna's mother died eight days after she made it home. Oops. "Okay," Kip said. "So maybe Jenna was right." "Hmmm... maybe," I replied, grabbing the remote. "Let's see who got voted off The Apprentice!"
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 13
In a cunning new strategy, Howard Dean announced today that if he WINS the Wisconsin primary he will QUIT the race for the Democratic presidential nomination. The startling shift in approach reflects Dean's growing awareness of how his campaign has suffered from the law of opposites. He was ahead in the polls; yet has not won a primary. He was the front-runner; yet he is the loser. People agree with his positions; but will not vote for him. Dean hopes to subvert the bizarro nature of his campaign by outsmarting Fate with reverse psychology. He does NOT want to be his party's nomination. He does NOT want to president. And he certainly does NOT want to win Wisconsin. Fate, which can be very wily, issued a statement this morning claiming to have that "Jew-loving commie" exactly where she wanted him.
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 14
Today, The New York Times reported that a photograph circulating the internet of John Kerry standing next to Jane Fonda as she gave a speech at a peace rally in 1970 is a fake. A second photograph, also circulating the internet, of John Kerry on stage during a 1967 Rolling Stones concert is also a fake, The New York Times reported. According to The New York Times, John Kerry has never been a member of the Rolling Stones. Nor was he present, The New York Times reports, at President Abraham Lincoln's assassination, as a doctored photograph circulating the internet makes it appear. In fact, according to The New York Times, the photograph of John Kerry announcing his candidacy for president is also a fake. John Kerry, it turns out, is not running for president. When approached by The New York Times for comment, John Kerry apologized for any misunderstanding.
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 15
The gay union controversy continued to dominate the news today, but it's unclear why other unions, such as the AFL-CIO, have yet to come forward to support their brother and sister organizers. So far, the only union to voice support has been the Screen Actors Guild (SAG), who is VERY MUCH behind the notion. If a gay union were to be formed it would most likely partner with the longshoreman's union and/or the cowboy union. Just imagine a nationwide gay strike! Every gay and lesbian staying home from work, until gay marriage is recognized and women can have mullets without fear of prejudice. A gay union would be more powerful than the Teamsters, and imagine those marvelous satin union jackets! (As far as we're concerned, marvelous satin jackets are right up there with ending child labor and getting the 40-hour work week.)
