Move over, bacon! Here comes something meatier! It's One Day at a Time filling your plate with a steaming pile of gabby gossip from Tinseltown and beyond! This week's top quote: "This is an all-time low. Anything is possible, I've come to realize, and I do think it's pathetic." A response to this week's Republican National Convention? Nope, it's publicist Leslie Sloane Zelnick on the capitalists who are selling Britney Spears' used chewing gum on eBay. After a wad of Britta's chewed Juicy Fruit popped up on the internet flea market last month, the flood--or saliva--gates have opened, and as of today there are nearly two dozen listings featuring her disposed gum for sale on the site. The highest bid is currently $14,000 for a byproduct of Britney's mastication, which was supposedly chewed at a 2002 concert. However, don't be surprised if you see fiancé Kevin Federline himself show up on eBay in the next few months, as he is likely to be the next thing on Britney's list to be chewed up and spit out. Meanwhile... Speaking of used up pieces of celebrity flotsam, Jason "Not the fat guy from Seinfeld" Alexander, who is best known for being married to Britney Spears for a whopping 55 hours, was photographed by Star magazine allegedly making out with a she-male. Looking more than a bit wasted, poor Jason is pictured with a reported "she-male escort" named Ana in a Miami club doing some serious canoodling--though according to onlookers, he probably didn't know his date was packing both "frank and beans" under that skirt. However, in Jason's defense, Ana bears a striking resemblance to Spears... except Britney has more of a moustache.
TUESDAY, AUGUST 31
And if you're looking for Republican supporter Britney Spears at this week's GOP convention in NYC--fuggedaboutit. Though the saucy entertainer was reportedly ready to perform for the Republican throng, President Bush himself nixed the idea after party hardliners began crying like little babies. According to insiders, these extreme right-wingers were already spitting mad about tonight's performance from California governor and moderate conservative Arnold Schwarzenegger, and the thought of Britney Spears up there on stage shaking her perky cans in front of former first lady Barbara Bush? Eeeeeughhh! "We are a serious political party," sniffed one Republican source, "and really don't need the likes of Britney to promote us. Besides, with the headlines she's been recently attracting, we think she'd do more harm than good. We don't get what Britney has to offer our cause." Oh, yeah? How about $14,000 worth of chewed gum? Just 10 pieces will buy a lot of John Kerry attack ads!
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 1
Every day at the Republican National Convention has "a theme," and today's theme was "Maw! Git Me Mah Squirrel Rifle! I'm Gonna Shoot Me One of Them Dad-Blamed Demmycrats!" An evening of extremely angry speakers was topped off tonight by a hilariously venomous diatribe from Georgia Democratic Senator and psychotic hillbilly Zell Miller. His anti-Kerry diatribe, which can only be described as a weird cross between Mussolini and Foghorn Leghorn, reached a fever pitch when the Senator brought up Kerry's fitness--or lack thereof--to take office. "This is the man who wants to be the commander-in-chief of our U.S. armed forces?" Miller wheezed. "U.S. forces armed with what? Spitballs?" Naturally, scorned Democrats were furious, and even some of the Republican faithful were kind of creeped out. However, things grew even more heated when the senator appeared in a post-speech Chris Matthews interview for MSNBC. When Matthews asked the senator if he really believed Kerry would defend the country with "spitballs," Miller began shouting at the reporter, telling Matthews to "get out of my face." After a few more incendiary questions, Miller came close to stomping off, warning Matthews that he wished he "lived in the day where you could challenge a person to a duel." Though Matthews has yet to respond, Miller has gone even further, challenging the reporter to a "greased pig chase at dawn," where he plans to drink some "moonshine likker" and engage in "coital relations" with his own cousin.
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 2
On the final day of the Republican convention, President Bush made a speech that sent GOP supporters into an orgasmic, almost otherworldly state of conservative rapture. The rest of us thought, "It was just so-so." However, it cannot be denied that chief of staff Karl Rove's remarkable orchestration of the convention and the GOP's message has cemented his position as "the greatest evil genius of our time." Thanks to Rove, a majority of Americans now don't give a crap whether and to what extent the Bush Administration has lied about the war in Iraq, terrorism, environmental issues, health coverage, and the economy. That's because the GOP--as opposed to the Democrats--have a simple, crystal clear message, and that message is this: "Wrong is the new Right." Invading Iraq instead of pursuing Osama bin Laden? "It was wrong, but we're safer." Rising medical costs? "America's prescription prices are the cheapest in the world--if you don't compare them to any other country, especially Canada." Tumbling employment rate? "If you turn the chart upside down, it's actually on the rise." Meanwhile presidential nominee John Kerry also has a clear and simple message: "I don't really have any specific game plan, per se... but did I mention I served in Vietnam?" May God help us all.
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 3
Today liberals and interns everywhere took a collective Xanax when it was announced that Bill Clinton was bound for the operating room to clear up some significant blockages in three or four coronary arteries. (We took two Xanax--but then our pharmaceutical tolerance is high.) Except for the whole cracking the chest open thing--plus a chance of mood swings, loss of appetite, difficulty sleeping, and dying--Clinton is expected to survive his bypass and live to eat another McDonalds bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit. So, you can stop worrying. In fact, Bill called us up personally to ask us to tell you that he is going to be okay and that he got the carnations you sent and the nice note. Those Hallmark Shoebox Greetings are a hoot, aren't they? Oh, and you can stop emailing him.
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 4
France was closing in on Florida today, as residents braced for attack. About 2.8 million residents were told to evacuate lest they fall prey to the unexpected French territorial expansion. At 8 a.m., France was about 110 miles east of West Palm Beach, moving along to the northwest at about 6 mph. French soldiers were expected to come ashore along the middle of Florida's eastern coast, push across the state just north of Tampa, and invade the Panhandle on Monday. The French have already blown through the Bahamas. Strangely, President Bush, campaigning as "a war president," adopted a passive stance toward the French land grab. "The best thing we can do here is to offer our prayers," he said at a campaign rally in Pennsylvania. (He must be planning on bombing the shit out of them later.)
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 5
According to today's New York Times, the "father of South Korea's nuclear research program" has come forward to explain that recent concerns about South Korea's nuclear weapons development are unfounded. In fact, the "father of South Korea's nuclear research program" clarified, his lab had only performed an enrichment experiment "three or four times," and in each case the enrichment level had not gone over 10 percent, which is like totally so below the bomb-grade level of 90 percent. He did not report the tests, as required, because they were not performed as part of any specific experiment, per se, but were rather conducted out of curiosity. We so get this. Sometimes you just have to put the work aside and play a little. It's like when we write haiku about the stuff on our desk. Not all offices have Nerf basketball hoops set up, you know.
