We don't know about you, but we don't want to live in a world where teen queens Hilary Duff and Lindsay Lohan aren't scratching each other's eyes out. Obviously sensing our frustration, actress and wanna-be pop star Hilary ended the yearlong truce with Lindsay by opening a whole new can of bitchy sass talk this week. According to a report from World Entertainment News, the A Cinderella Story star uttered the following explanatory monologue: "The thing is, it's all so childish and immature. This all started because we both dated Aaron Carter [Umm-hmmm] and she went around telling everybody that I was a horrible person who had stolen her boyfriend [Okay...]. Then she got p*ssed off [Hey! Language!] because I worked with Chad Michael Murray [Who?] after she worked with him on Freaky Friday [Ohhh... wha?]. Anyway, she called him up and said all these awful things about me [Bitch!], which she then repeated to the press [God! We hate the press!]. I don't think I can take it anymore [I know... I know...]. It's so hurtful [There, there. Just let it all out]. Sometimes I feel like I really hate her, which is pretty extreme for me, because I don't hate anybody [Hate is a legitimate emotion, Hilary. Don't hold it in]. Okay... for example, she's always trying to spread stories about me, but the funny thing is, I know so many stories about her that I could tell you right now [REALLY? Start dishing, girlfriend!]. But I'm not going to [Huh? Why?], because I don't think people should know [Whaa? Are you fucking insane?]. I don't want her to get mad at me for telling them [Oh, COME ON! Fuck her feelings!]. The funny thing is, I just want us to be friends--that's all." [Grow up, Hilary! Friends talk shit about friends! See? This kind of childish behavior is exactly why you didn't win the Teen Choice Award!]
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 14
In more gabbity-gossipy news from Hollyweird, the truly unfortunate marriage of Britney Spears and fiancée Kevin Federline continues to chug onwards toward its tragic conclusion. According to sources, the wedding will probably be taking place within the next 20 days. For those who haven't purchased a wedding present for the pair, they're registered at Spencer's Gifts. Meanwhile... Britney's overprotective stage mom Lynne Spears is back in the tabloid rags again today, leaping to the defense of her fashion-challenged daughter. Apparently Mommy Dearest is up in arms, accusing media "vultures" of unfairly portraying Britney's choice of clothing as "trashy." In the elder Spears' regular column that appears at www.britneyspears.com , Lynne defended her progeny's right to walk around barefoot in public, blaming her daughter's hillbilly antics on her recent knee surgery. "The doctor's orders are for her to wear Uggs or tennis shoes and it's just too hot for that," Lynne writes. "Sometimes it feels good to go barefoot in this heat." Okay, but how does that explain the straw hat, overalls, and jug of moonshine?
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 15
Now here's a celebrity freakout. According to The Daily Dish, '90s pop icon George Michael was scared crapless today after a whacked-out obsessive fan was found living underneath the floorboards of the star's London mansion for FOUR DAYS! In fact, she would have probably squatted there indefinitely had she not slipped up and called out Michael's name when he went to answer the telephone. Naturally, Michael squealed to high heaven and called in the Bobbies who spirited the crazed woman away. Michael, who was arrested in 1998 for exposing himself in a public restroom, said "Jesus! When are you guys gonna drop that whole indecent exposure thing? A crazy woman was living underneath the floorboards of my house, for Christ's sake!" Meanwhile... Speaking of whacked-out obsessive compulsives, home maintenance guru Martha Stewart threw herself on the mercy of public opinion today, begging to be sent to prison as soon as possible. Sentenced to serve five months in the can, to be followed by another five months of house arrest, Stewart appeared eager to get the whole mess over with. "It's odd what becomes of immense importance when one realizes when one's freedom is about to be curtailed," she said to a mostly disinterested crowd. "And it is frightening and difficult to have to grasp these realizations." At the completion of her speech, the judge added more time to her sentence for the crime of boring people to death.
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 16
Did your world turn upside down after learning that funk R&B star Rick "Superfreak" James DID NOT die of a drug overdose? Well, now you can relax. According to a report filed by the Los Angeles county coroner, James perished with a virtual pharmacy speeding through his veins. Though his certificate claimed the cause of his demise was "accidental," the report also noted he had no less than nine drugs in his system at the time of death, including crystal meth, cocaine, Xanax, Valium, Wellbutrin, Celexa, Digoxin, Chlorpheniramine, Vicodin, and Flintstone chewable vitamins--though the coroner suspects he may have taken that last one by accident.
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 17
In another deep psychological blow to the children of Michael Jackson, Macaulay Culkin (godfather to two Jackson rug rats) was arrested on drug charges today during a traffic stop. Culkin reportedly possessed pot and pharmaceuticals without a valid prescription when the car he was riding in was pulled over for speeding in Oklahoma. After receiving a verbal warning, the driver allowed police to search the vehicle. Here's where it gets weird. Culkin told an officer there was $3,000 in a bag on the floor of the car. The officer opened it and found a clear baggie of what appeared to be marijuana. Then, Culkin allegedly pulled another baggie out of his pocket that contained white pills and other medication. Additional marijuana was found rolled in a metal cigarette box. (What? These boys are too good for Altoid tins?) Why was Culkin so hell-bent on getting arrested? What was he doing in Oklahoma? Tune in tomorrow for the full report.
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 18
Culkin was clearly speeding to California. Why? Because-- what did we TELL you?--Britney did it. She married Kevin fucking Federline. According to the Star magazine web site, the event took place today at the Studio City, California home of a tailor who had custom-made the tuxedos for the groom and other men in the wedding. (Cagey move, Spears.) In a bit of postmodern media fucking, an Access Hollywood crew was with Spears' mother, Lynn, and her younger sister, Jamie Lynn, until 5 pm as the Spears ladies got ready for what the AH crew believed to be an "engagement dinner." Psych! Only 20 immediate family members reportedly attended the ceremony. Star reported that Britney wore a strapless white dress designed by Monique L'Huillier, with a long veil and tiara, and she carried a bouquet of pink and white roses. The couple exchanged rings and danced to--we swear to God--Journey's "Lights." Cuisine included chicken fingers, crab cakes, ribs, and Waldorf salad. Obviously, as any child could see, Culkin, distraught over the pending nuptials, threw himself into the arms of the Oklahoma sheriff's office in the hope of finally getting some Brit-attention. Sadly, she didn't give a shit.
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 19
In what can only be attributed to young people's concern about Mac, Brit, and other seemingly adrift celebrities, the Associated Press reported today that voter registration among 18- to 24-year-olds is seriously on the rise, especially in decisive battleground states such as Michigan, where nearly 100,000 young people have registered in recent months, as well as Wisconsin, which boasts 109,000 new young voters. Rock the Vote reports that, in the past week alone, as many as 20,000 people a day used the Rock the Vote web site to register. About half of those reportedly believed they were registering for a Britney daily email newsletter. The other half is voting for Nader. And you were worried.
