First, a fond farewell to actor Christopher Reeve, whose death over the weekend reminded us that one can either fold to tragedy or make the world a better place because of it. Want to carry on his memory? Vote for John Kerry on November 2nd, who refuses to let antiquated morality get in the way of necessary stem-cell research. And speaking of antiquated morality, will someone please shake Britney Spears until she comes to her senses? In another stupid move to prop up the patriarchy, Britney has expressed a desire to take on her new hubby Kevin Federline's last name. Now. Let's all stop for a moment and say that name out loud, and in context: "Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome to the Las Vegas Hilton, Britney... Federline!" Oh my god. The skin crawls. Britta made this dunderheaded admission to German rag Bunte, saying, "Britney Federline, I like that." However she went on to note that "Society will not permit me to do it." So what's up with this new respect for what "society" thinks, Britney? "Society" certainly didn't stop you from lip-synching your concerts, starting an ass-smelling new fragrance line, or marrying a Vanilla Ice lookalike. But as long as you're willing to listen to reason, "Society" just called, and requested a new album that doesn't suck.
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 12
Also managing to step on our last nerve this week is cinema teen temptress Lindsay Lohan--who conveniently wants to have her celebrity cake and eat it too! Lil' Lindsay currently has a new club hit entitled "Rumours" in which she whines about not being able to wave her freak flag on the dance floor and kick back Jgermeister shots without the paparazzi climbin' up in her grill-izzle. And today she lashed out even further, interrupting a perfectly good Ryan Seacrest interview with Sugar Ray vocalist Mark McGrath to call in and spew some venom about the playa haters of the world. It seems the rumors about her family troubles and party-hearty ways are simply "not true. And it's very upsetting," she sniffed. When McGrath agreed with the starlet, she turned on the Sugar Ray singer, snapping, "I don't NEED support! This is all bullshit!" Whoaaaa there, Lindsay--it sounds to us like you do need some support, starting with a case of Midol. Ka-ZING! Meanwhile... Speaking of celebrity fatheads, Sean Penn allegedly wrote a very stinging letter this week to South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone regarding their new marionette movie Team America. In the film, a team of puppets combat terrorists like South Korea's Kim Jong Il, as well as unwitting terrorist supporters like celebs Alec Baldwin, Tim Robbins, and Sean Penn. Naturally it's all in good fun and points out the foibles of extreme conservatives and liberals, which is okay with Penn--as long as they leave liberals out of it. Of his puppet representation in the movie, Sean reportedly wrote, "It's all well to joke about me or whomever you choose. Not so well to encourage irresponsibility that will ultimately lead to the disembowelment, mutilation, exploitation, and death of innocent people throughout the world." Actually, Penn does have a point. Anyone who sees Team America will be disemboweled... with laughter! Two thumbs up--WAY UP!
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 13
Everybody rest easy: Martha Stewart is having a "good time" in prison. The newest resident of Camp Cupcake--the minimum security facility in Alderson, West Virginia--is reportedly "having a really good time" in the joint, even though she's only three days into her five-month stay. Sources say she's enjoying visits from her daughter Alexis and "an unnamed male" (hmmmmm...), as well as "befriending" the other inmates. In fact there was only one minor incident with another prisoner who asked her to "toss her salad," and she apologized for "not bringing any vinaigrette." (Ba-dum-DUM! Thank you ladies and gentlemen, be careful driving home, and don't forget to tip your waitress.) Meanwhile... Fox News (snicker) "journalist" Bill O' Reilly ran into trouble today after an associate producer for The O'Reilly Factor accused him of sexual harassment. The producer, Andrea Mackris, claims that O'Reilly tried to engage her in "phone sex" on two separate occasions--a charge Fox News is calling "a politically motivated extortion attempt." On one occasion Mackris claims O'Reilly became "clearly excited" and suggested she "buy a vibrator." Mackris responded to her boss, "If I already have one dick up my ass, why do I need another?" (Ba-dum-DUM! Wow! We're on fire today!)
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 14
Tonight was the third and final debate between Sen. Kerry and President Bush, and we haven't felt this relieved that something was over since we slept with our college English Lit teacher's assistant (Sorry, Harold--but it sucked). However, while both candidates succeeded in boring the crap out of Americans, one good thing came out of tonight's debate: Vice President Dick Cheney got really mad when Kerry brought up his gay daughter. "We're all God's children," Kerry said during the debate, "and I think if you were to talk to Dick Cheney's daughter, who is a LESBIAN, she would tell you that she's being who she was." Instead, the press talked to Dick Cheney, who was pretty pissed. "You saw a man who will do and say anything to get elected," Cheney growled. "I thought it was totally inappropriate." Meanwhile the ghosts of the thousands of dead Americans and Iraqis said they're experiencing some hurt feelings as well.
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 15
Okay. Let's get one thing straight: The Cheneys really, really, REALLY love their gay daughter. Apparently they just don't like other people talking about her. Today wifey Lynne Cheney accused Kerry of using her daughter for political gain, and called his debate comments a "cheap and tawdry political trick." (The Cheneys prefer to not to mention that their daughter is gay per se, opting to describe her as "having a passion for fly fishing.") One thing is clear: daughter Mary Cheney is a progressive warrior for gay rights. Before she came to work for her dad's administration, she worked as a gay and lesbian outreach coordinator for Coors Brewing Co., where she toiled tirelessly to bring the traditionally hetero joy that is Coors Light to gay folk everywhere. Because all people deserve equal access to bad beer.
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 16
The voting thing continues to be really hard for Florida. As you may have heard there's some concern over how the state's new electronic voting booths might fare in a recount. In response, Florida has set new guidelines for recounting touch-screen ballots in close elections. Voter-rights groups say the court-ordered guidelines are bogus and crappy. (The complicated scenario involves counting electronic ballots on which no candidate was chosen, comparing this number to the total given by the machine, and then calling the election for Bush.) In other voting news, Florida has announced that it might let black people vote this year. Depending on the turnout.
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 17
Eighteen U.S. Army Reserve soldiers are in trouble for refusing to drive Toyota Prius hybrids on a dangerous route instead of Humvees. The Priuses, which can get 65 mpg on the open desert, were sent to Iraq by Hollywood celebrities in an attempt to draw attention to skyrocketing gas prices and wasteful military spending. The Priuses, which are unarmored, were fine for safer parts of southern Iraq, but were never tested on the dangerous attack-prone roads that pass through Baghdad. They are also apple green, which led some reservists to express concerns about a lack of camouflage. (Some went so far as to imply the Army assigned them the bright, compact vehicles because the soldiers are all registered Democrats.) The Army has yet to decide on any disciplinary action. In the meantime, they have reassigned the Priuses to embedded public radio journalists.
