Hey, Nicole Richie! Yes, YOU! Nicole Richie, daughter of '80s singing sensation Lionel Richie, and star of the failing reality show The Simple Life! FYI, bitch… we're mad at you! Want to know why? Well… we're not going to tell you. Let's just put it this way: YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID. And we're not the only ones who are mad, either! Internet porn actress Paris Hilton is also extremely angry at you--so much so, in fact, she's dumping you from Simple Life, and hiring Rod Stewart's daughter to take your place. (Hey, the rich, lazy daughter of one failed singer is as good as the next, right?) And in case you're wondering WHY Paris is mad… well, she can explain. "It's no big secret that Nicole and I are no longer friends," Hilton huffed. "I will not go into the details of what happened. All I will say is that Nicole knows what she did, and that's all I am ever going to say about it." YEAH! What she said! Of course, according to the rumor mill, Paris got angry because of that prank you allegedly pulled on her. You know, the one where Paris got the entire gang together to watch her appearance on Saturday Night Live, and SOMEONE switched the tape with Paris' internet porn movie, One Night in Paris! Yes, SOMEONE ruined her special night, and we think we know who that SOMEONE is! (We're still not going to say why we're mad--though it's a fact SOMEONE stole our catchphrase, "That's hot." Any idea who that SOMEONE might be? BITCH?)
TUESDAY, APRIL 19
Cries of joyous rapture filled Vatican square today when it was announced a new pope had been elected. Unfortunately, the cries died down considerably after the crowd learned their new pope is a jerk. All hail the Catholic church's 265th pontiff, arch-conservative Kraut cardinal Joseph Ratzinger--or, as he prefers to go by his new "super villain" name, Pope Benedict XVI. (Sure, it's not great… but "Dr. Doom" was already taken.) The announcement came as a surprise to those who were hoping the church would soften their viewpoint on a number of issues, including homosexuals (who will go to hell), pro-choice supporters (who will go to hell), and women who want to become priests (who will go to heaven, before being told to go to hell). "It's a historic moment, but a very sad one," said Agusti Capdvila from Barcelona. "He is even more conservative than John Paul II. All he knows how to do is condemn, condemn, condemn." Or as our hubby Kip likes to say when we ask him to get up off the couch and wash a dish, "NAG, NAG, NAG!" Happily for Kip, the new Pope is firmly behind women doing the majority of household chores. Unhappily for Kip, we'll also be adopting the pope's stance on birth control--aka ABSTINENCE. WEDNESDAY, APRIL 20 Looks like we spoke too soon! Last week in One Day, we reported on the almost certain confirmation of Bush boy John R. Bolton for U.N. ambassador. However, thanks to new allegations, that vote will be delayed for at least two weeks until investigations can be carried out. Not only has Bolton been accused of being a "bully" who verbally abuses anyone who disagrees with him (not a great attribute for a diplomat, hmm?), he now stands accused of chasing a Dallas businesswoman through a hotel, and throwing things at her during an international conference 10 years ago. In response to the new accusations, White House press secretary Scott McClellan said, "John Bolton is exactly the person we need at the United Nations at this time." He makes a good point--it's hard for a nuclear-armed North Korean dictator to convince everyone he's crazy when the American diplomat is throwing a shoe at him.
THURSDAY, APRIL 21
Whenever we report on the Michael Jackson "Trial of the Millennium™," we always feel the need to rush home and shower. And after reading today's story… so will you. Two words you never want to hear in the same sentence are "Neverland" and "Vaseline. " Happily, Judge Rodney Melville realized this, and ruled the jury would not be allowed to hear testimony involving a security guard delivering a jar of petroleum jelly to the "sweaty" and "aroused" King of Pop. What's that? You want to hear it anyway? Okay… don't say we didn't warn you. Before being slapped with a gag order, ex-Neverland security guard Kassim Abdool was prepared to testify about a night in 1993, when Jackson allegedly ordered him to retrieve a jar of Vaseline from the pop star's SUV. Upon arriving at Jackson's bedroom, the guard received quite a shock. "[Jackson] appeared sweaty, aroused and Abdool observed Jackson to have an erection under his pajama bottoms," wrote prosecutor Tom Sneddon in his motion. "There was a young boy, who he believed was [the accuser], in the bedroom with Mr. Jackson." All together now… EWWWWWW! Even though the guard's story was thrown out on the grounds of being "salacious innuendo," we'll never be able to use Vaseline on our chapped lips again! Eww! Eww! EWWWW!
FRIDAY, APRIL 22
Star Wars convention alert! More than 30,000 Star Wars fans have flocked to the planet known as Indianapolis for a four-day gathering of the nerds. The tribes are enthusiastically anticipating the May 19 release of Star Wars: Episode III--Revenge of the Sith, the movie that marks the Moment After Which No New Star Wars Films Will Be Made Ever. The convention is so, so super special that George Lucas himself, who has not been caught dead at a fan convention since 1987, has roused himself out of his deep sleep at Skywalker Ranch and will make an appearance. It is so, so super special that fans have reportedly chartered jets to fly to Indianapolis from rebel base camps as far away as Japan. Whatever. We just hope that Episode III sets up the backstory for Ewoks: The Battle for Endor. Why did the army of the Marauders, led by King Terak and the Witch Queen Charal, attack the Ewoks' village, George? WHY?!
SATURDAY, APRIL 23
Great news! Remember that finger you lost in high school shop class? It's turned up! It turns out that the woman who found a finger in her Wendy's chili has been arrested for allegedly faking the whole incident. Well, there was a finger. But the woman allegedly planted it in the chili with the intention of creating wealth by exploiting the nation's liberal lawsuit laws. Peace officers became suspicious when the woman told them that she had vomited after discovering the digit. The clue? They couldn't find any vomit. Yep. She went through the trouble of finding an amputated finger, but couldn't be troubled to come up with some puke. Details--they always bite you in the ass, you know? We know what you're thinking: NEVER MIND THE VOMIT. WHOSE FINGER WAS IT? No one knows! Though authorities are very interested in finding out. It is described as "well-manicured" and 1 1/2 inches long. Is it yours? Wendy's is offering free chili to anyone with information.
SUNDAY, APRIL 24
We're sure you don't want to hear more about David and Victoria Beckham's rocky marriage. It's not that you're not consumed with a need to know every aspect of their personal life. It's just too sad. Too difficult to accept. Too tawdry. But what the hell--you're here, aren't you? Read on! Are you ready? Are you sitting down? Are you up for this? Because according to a former-nanny-turned-tabloid-tattletale, Posh and Beck FIGHT. Squabble. Yell. Indeed, they row. We know. It's unsettling. It appears that celebrity couples actually act like married people. Disgusting, isn't it? The nanny received 300,000 pounds for this bit of news. She says she can prove it because she wrote it in her diary. We have a thing or two written in our diary about Brad Pitt, but you don't see us running to the Star, do you, honey? You don't see us telling tales out of school about celebs for nominal wages. These up-and-coming gossipmongers have no class. No boundaries. [Note to the Star: Call us. We've got dirt on Pitt. Seriously.--Ann.] Honestly.
