While the Live8 concert may have been designed to bring attention to African poverty, and encourage the G8 summiteers to rewrite global trade law to benefit developing countries, onsite celebrities were still acting like bitches. According to the Evening Standard, Sir Paul McCartney, who both opened and closed the concert, was prancing around backstage like geriatric royalty, while Brad Pitt (who only spent two minutes onstage) was demanding his own dressing room--and was eventually forced to bunk with Sting. HA! Speaking of making demands, her majesty Madonna refused the H2O onsite, saying she could only drink Kabbalah water (Why? Because it's Jew-licious!). But lest we grow too cynical, there was one celebrity who discovered the true meaning of Live8: Heiress/porn star Paris Hilton, who actually promised to start thinking about poor people! "It's such a great cause," Paris said. "It makes you realize how fortunate we are. I want to get more involved, so I'm going to read all the newspapers while I'm in Athens planning my wedding." Wow! Maybe she'll save a starving Ethiopian a slice of the cake!
TUESDAY, JULY 5
Remember Britney Spears? Well… she wants your money again. According to the New York Post, the former singing sensation has suddenly awoken to the realization that supporting a celebrity lifestyle isn't so easy when you're pregnant and not working. Hubby Kevin Federline is facing similar difficulties, finding it hard to land a job where he can lie around on the couch playing videogames all day. Said the report in the Post, "Mrs. Federline recently made a quiet call to her record label. The gist of the discussion: We've got to get money in the house. Cash flow is going down. How about we cut another album?" Good idea, Britney! But could you do us all a favor, and not sing on it? Meanwhile… This just in! According to the New York Daily News, Britney is expecting TWINS. We guess that means Brit will have to cut a double album (and Kevin will have to start playing twice the videogames).
WEDNESDAY, JULY 6
In a totally unfair turn of events, soap opera star Kelly Monaco and partner Alec Mazo won the grand prize in ABC's embarrassingly addictive summer hit Dancing with the Stars. In this game show--where B-grade celebrities compete to see who can be the best ballroom dancer--the clear leader and crowd favorite has always been John O'Hurley (that J. Peterman character you don't remember from Seinfeld). In fact, Monaco (who you never watch on General Hospital) was, for the most part, a FUCKING EMBARRASSMENT. But for reasons unknown to anyone with a lick of sense in their head, America and the judges decided to reward her mediocrity--even after numerous missteps, and a knee-crushing fall in the final "Freestyle" competition. First Bush gets re-elected, now this? We swear to God, someone is spiking our country's water supply with dumbshit juice! Meanwhile… While attending the G8 summit in Scotland, President Bush had a bicycle accident and busted his ass. Funny, yes. But it's still not enough to make up for Kelly Monaco winning Dancing with the Stars!
THURSDAY, JULY 7
A truly bad day for the UK as four explosions rocked the London subway, tearing apart a double-decker bus during morning rush hour--and apparently, an al-Qaida terrorist cell is to blame. At press time the death toll is over 50, with 700 wounded. Almost immediately after the explosions, a group of Muslim extremists claimed responsibility for the attacks, calling themselves the Secret Organization of al-Qaida in Europe. Yep, that's a really dumb name. And here's part of their really dumb statement: "In the name of God, the merciful, the compassionate, may peace be upon the cheerful one and undaunted fighter, Prophet Muhammad. Nation of Islam and Arab nation: Rejoice for it is time to take revenge against the British Zionist Crusader government in retaliation for the massacres Britain is committing in Iraq and Afghanistan. The heroic mujahideen have carried out a blessed raid in London. Britain is now burning with fear, terror and panic…." And while it's unfortunate that Bush and Blair will probably use this tragedy to continue their unwinnable and unnecessary war in Iraq, what's even more unfortunate are those in the Islamic leadership who refuse to firmly denounce such attacks.
FRIDAY, JULY 8
Everyone knows that Karl Rove would sell an Olsen twin into white slavery if it meant a political win for his boss W, so it's no surprise that Rove is suspected of being the Valerie Plame leak. (To recap: Evil gnome columnist Robert Novak reported back in 2003 that Plame, the wife of a former ambassador, was a CIA operative, leading many to assume a Bush-y leaked the story in order to get back at Plame's hubby, a former ambassador who publicly pooh-poohed the notion of WMDs in Iraq.) Leaking the name of an undercover American agent is not only rude; it's against the law. Novak cut a deal with the special prosecutor, but two other reporters, who were also tipped off, stood firm on journalistic privilege. Judith Miller of the New York Times was jailed today for refusing to reveal her source. Mathew Cooper of Time magazine was saved from lock-up when he received a last minute "express personal release" from his source giving Cooper permission to testify. Rove's attorney has confirmed that Rove spoke with Cooper days prior to the publication of Novak's bombshell. So did Rove let Cooper out of his confidentiality agreement? And if so, why let Judith Miller get sent up the river? (Besides the obvious fact that she works for the NYT and is too skinny.) Will Karl Rove be prosecuted for treason? Will he end up in prison with Judith Miller? And perhaps most confusing of all, how did Rove get the official administration codename of "Turd Blossom"?
SATURDAY, JULY 9
In another example of topsy-turvy journalism, Us Weekly published a story reporting that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt had adopted a bouncing baby boy together. In fact Angelina had adopted an orphan baby girl from Ethiopia, but denies that Brad is going to be Dad. Us Weekly issued a correction within hours after the errant issue hit newsstands and posted an apology on their website. You've got to love the fact that it took Newsweek months to recant their riot-inducing story about Koran-flushing at Guantanamo, and Us Weekly STOPS THE PRESSES on the Angelina/Brad adoption snafu. We officially live in a world where the tabloid celeb rags are more responsible than the news weeklies. Not responsible enough to fact check--but responsible enough to recant in a timely manner.
SUNDAY, JULY 10
It was confirmed today that Karl "Turd Blossom" Rove is, indeed, the leak in the Valerie Plame case. However, surprise, surprise, it looks as if The Turd will escape prosecution, as, while he is said to have identified Plame in a conversation with Mathew Cooper, The Turd did not use her name or refer to her covert status. What? Did he draw a picture? Did he act it out? Did he pick her photo out of a lineup? How clever is this man? He is like Rasputin. In another plot twist, according to the New York Times, Mathew Cooper did not receive an "express personal release" from Rove at all. Did Rove communicate via telepathy? What's going to happen to skinny, jailed Judith Miller? What a mess. It looks like it's up to an intrepid, stolid news organization like Us Weekly to sort it all out.