MONDAY, JANUARY 16

Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears, where we begin with our favorite type of gossip: a feud! The feud in question? Well, that’d be between Sherlock BFFs Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman—who, as Brit tabloid The Sun notes, are, in fact, “Not Holmies.” (GROAN.) “Pals say the pair are ‘hardly close,’ while filming the BBC detective drama and spend their time apart in between shoots,” The Sun gabs, with a source squealing, “Benedict and Martin aren’t mates and they don’t spend time together away from the show.” And why does this matter to you? Because you might not get any more Sherlock because of it, that’s why—the series’ future depends on the actors wanting to return, despite their “frosty” off-screen relationship, which is, you know, code for “hating each other’s guts.” BUT THERE’S MORE... It’s not just poor, adorable Martin Freeman who’s getting the cold shoulder from Cumberbatch—so are all of the Avengers! Due to “scheduling conflicts,” Cumberbatch is reportedly sending his stand-in—Broadway actor Aaron Lazar—to film all of the Doctor Strange scenes in the next Avengers movie, and any shots requiring Cumberbatch’s face or voice will only be added later. Sorry, Robert Downey Jr., Chris Pratt, Mark Ruffalo, Scarlett Johansson, Paul Rudd, Chris Hemsworth, and whoever plays that dumb guy with the bow and arrow. Cumberbatch has more important things to do than actually “film” your little “movie.” (Snubbing Martin Freeman, mostly.)

TUESDAY, JANUARY 17

“Did Lindsay Lohan Convert to Islam?” So asks a headline at Page Six, with the gossip column noting that over the weekend, LiLo’s Instagram got a bit of a makeover. “The wannabe philanthropist’s social media page—which was once littered with lingerie-clad selfies—is now a blank slate, except for her black- and-white profile photo and the phrase ‘Alaikum Salam,’ which translates as ‘and peace unto you,’” notes Page Six, adding that in 2015, Lohan was seen “carrying a Qur’an while completing community service in Brooklyn,” and she celebrated New Year’s Eve in the Middle East, “cozying up to a mystery man in Dubai.” WHEN ASKED FOR COMMENT... All of Earth’s 1.6 billion Muslims shook their heads sadly. “Can’t somebody tell her about, we don’t know, Scientology or something?” the 1.6 billion asked in unison. “Or... you know... anything else? Judaism? Buddhism? Those self-help seminars that weird guy with the ponytail does at the Radisson? Honestly, we’ve been doing pretty good here without any Lohans.”

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 18

Nothing happened today... except, you know, existential dread.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 19

Tonight, Louis CK came to Portland—performing the first of three sold-out nights at the Moda Center! Alas, there was something a bit... off about his shows, which saw the famously fearless and sharp-witted comedian make the strange decision to more or less ignore the fact that this week, Donald Trump, who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes, was sworn in as president. As mentioned previously in One Day, Louis CK is no stranger to politics, telling Conan O’Brien last November that he thinks Hillary Clinton is “great,” “really talented,” and “super smart,” adding, “If you vote for Hillary, you’re a grownup. If you vote for Trump, you’re a sucker. If you don’t vote for anybody, you’re an asshole.” And yet: This weekend, even as Portlanders protested (and overzealous cops fired tear gas) mere blocks away from the Moda Center, Louis CK’s shows continued on as if nothing was wrong—never addressing the elephant in the room, and never feeling like anything more than an HBO comedy special from 2014. SO LISTEN UP, CELEBRITIES AND ARTISTS, AND YES, YOU, LOUIS CK... We know we spend a lot of time in One Day making fun of your smallest transgressions and stupidest slip-ups. But your work—and the platforms you have—are more important than ever in 2017. If your work isn’t going to reflect, address, or at least acknowledge the real world in times of legitimate crisis—especially when your audiences might, oh, we don’t know, get tear-gassed on their way home—then maybe it’s time to make room for those who aren’t too chickenshit to speak up. Alternately, you can keep fiddling as Rome burns. Your call.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 20

And away we go! Welcome to the Hellmouth we’ve been dreading since November 8: Inauguration Day. In a speech co-written by Steve Bannon (Trump’s chief strategist who has strong ties to the white nationalist movement), Donald Trump gave an ugly, dark oratory, highlighting his intention to “fix” our crime-ridden inner-cities (note that racist dog whistle!), and proclaiming, “This American carnage stops right here and stops right now.” That was a weird thing to say, considering violent crime has been steadily dropping since 1991, but you know... FACTS. Feh! Overrated, we say! But the best part was looking at the sparse crowd, which paled in comparison to Obama’s joyous inauguration, and... WAIT, THIS JUST IN: Trump now seems convinced his crowd was more like “a million, a million and a half people.” HAHAHAHA... no. Side by side photos comparing Obama’s 2009 inauguration to today clearly show that Trump’s shindig didn’t even come close. While Obama pulled in 1.8 million people, Trump’s crowd was closer to 250,000. (OUCH! EMBARRASSING! SAD.) But the embarrassment continues! Unwilling to face the truth that Trump is the most unpopular incoming president in recorded American history, his administration temporarily shut down the National Parks Twitter feed after they retweeted those side-by-side photos of inauguration crowds mentioned earlier. (Hey, if this is the type of “carnage” Trump is talking about, then sign us up!)

SATURDAY, JANUARY 21

Yesterday was terrible (not including Trump’s insecure hissy-fit about crowds), but today? FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC. The worldwide Women’s March drew huge numbers in various cities around America and the globe, with Washington, DC alone drawing half a million—or roughly three times as many people as Trump’s inauguration. (Insert sad trombone sound here.) The march was a joyous, peaceful festival celebrating people and ideas—feminism, LGBTQ and immigration rights, Black Lives Matter, science, and the continuing greatness of America (despite all our so-called “carnage”). And it was beautiful. It was a much-needed and stark reminder that we are in charge of our destinies and country, not those who are temporarily holding down the presidency. As activist/actress America Ferrera said prior to the march, “The president is not America. His cabinet is not America. Congress is not America. We are America, and we are here to stay.” MEANWHILE... More good news! While giving an interview on the street in Washington, DC, neo-Nazi Richard Spencer (who endorses “peaceful ethnic cleansing”—which makes him a fucking Nazi in our book), got punched in his stupid Nazi face. And... it... was... GLORIOUS. While the internet debated if it was “okay to punch a Nazi” (answer: You bet your ass it is), Spencer said that thanks to the attack, he’s now afraid to go out in public. RATS. Guess we’ll just have to punch him in private then.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 22

Uh-oh! Poor Taylor Swift is getting dragged on Twitter again, this time in regards to the Women’s March. “So much love, pride, and respect for those who marched,” Swift posted. “I’m proud to be a woman today and every day.” That would’ve been nice—had she marched. But she didn’t! And many more celebs—including Katy Perry, Miley Cyrus, and Rihanna—did. That’s called “opportunistic feminism,” girlfriends. Or as @mostlyemotional put it on Twitter, “Please keep taylor swift fans in your thoughts as they’re just now realizing she’s been using feminism as a tool to sell albums.” Ouch! And hee-hee-hee. MEANWHILE... Trump was apparently so upset and embarrassed by the size of his tiny inauguration crowd that he sent new press secretary Sean Spicer out to scream bald-faced lies to a room full of reporters. “This was the largest audience to ever witness an inauguration—period,” Spicer lied. Naturally, there were many calls for Spicer to resign, because who can trust a lying White House press secretary? Kellyanne Conway, that’s who! The senior aide to Trump appeared on NBC’s Meet the Press today to defend (and rename!) Spicer’s lies. “You’re saying [Trump’s assessment of crowd size is] a falsehood, and they’re giving—Sean Spicer, our press secretary, gave alternative facts to that.” Conway unbelievably said. “Alternative facts aren’t facts,” host Chuck Todd responded. “They are falsehoods.” Or to put a finer point on it—LIES. Naturally the internet EXPLODED in disbelief over Conway’s choice of words, but the entire argument came to a close when none other than the Merriam-Webster Dictionary stopped by to provide the actual definition. “A fact is a piece of information presented as having objective reality,” the dictionary tweeted, before dropping the mic and walking away... LIKE A BOSS. Now, “objective reality” might not be very popular with the current administration—but even they can’t deny the “objective reality” of being severely outnumbered by the rest of us.