MONDAY, JULY 17
Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears, where we have breaking news about R. Kellyâs sex cult! Because this is the world we live in, for better or mostly worse. âR. Kelly is holding women against their will in a âcult,â parents told police,â writes BuzzFeed News, citing âformer members of Kellyâs inner circleâ who claim âsix women live in properties rented by Kelly in Chicago and the Atlanta suburbs, and he controls every aspect of their lives: dictating what they eat, how they dress, when they bathe, when they sleep, and how they engage in sexual encounters that he records.â Naturally, representatives of the R&B artistâwho in 2008 was acquitted on multiple charges of making child pornographyâdenied the claims. âWelfare checks by police in both Illinois and Georgia in the past year didnât lead to any charges,â BuzzFeed notes, but all the same: Letâs hope this story leads to further investigation. Letâs also hope this week gets less gross.
TUESDAY, JULY 18
We have an arrangement with Hubby Kip: He can watch as much Game of Thrones as he likes, so long as (A) he never makes us watch it with him, (B) he never tells us what itâs about, and (C) he never speaks of it at all. Now, we know many of you like Game of Thrones, and we know itâs supposed to be good, but... sometime around our fifth birthday we grew out of fairy tales about dragons and princesses. Sorry! (Not sorry!) ALAS... Today we had to learn about Game of Thronesâbecause obnoxious singer/songwriter Ed Sheeran showed up on this weekâs episode, and it did not go well! âEd Sheeranâs Game of Thrones cameo... prompted negative reaction on social media and from criticsâwhich may or may not have prompted the music superstar to delete his Twitter account,â gabs Newsweek. âI think Ed did a lovely jobâheâs a lovely actor and a lovely person,â said Jeremy Podeswa, the director of the episode âDragonstone.â To which we say: âDragonstoneâ? Really? âDragonstoneâ? Oh, you sweet, sad little nerds. Well, enjoy your hobbit show about dragonstones and thin-skinned gingers! We now return to never caring about Game of Thrones again!
WEDNESDAY, JULY 19
While on the topic of dweebs, we also have an arrangement with Hubby Kip about Doctor Who: He can watch as much as he likes, so long as (A) he never makes us watch it with him, (B) never tries to tell us what itâs about, and (C) never speaks of it at all. Which worked fine, until... THIS JUST IN... âAnnie! Annie!â Hubby Kip squealed, bounding up the stairs from his truly disgusting basement. âAnnie, thereâs a new Doctor, and itâs going to be a woman! I thought I was mad, but then I read this.â He then handed us his Cheeto-dusted iPhone, where heâd been reading a Lindy West piece in the New York Times about the new-and-improved Who. âIn case youâre unfamiliar with the series, the Doctor is an alien from the planet Gallifrey who is hundreds of years old, has encyclopedic knowledge of the universe, can regenerate into a new body (any body) if wounded or killed, and travels through time fighting giant farting lizard babies, evil fire hydrants, and occasionally Satan,â writes West. âA slightly different waist-hip ratio, one would think, shouldnât stretch the imagination too far.â But, West adds, the announcement that the Doctor will be played by Broadchurchâs Jodie Whittaker âhas yielded a wave of spittle-flecked contempt from certain online communities.â Heavy sigh. Of course it has. Hey... wait! Did Lindy just trick us into caring about Doctor Who? âItâs important to see people like you onscreen,â West wrote of Whittakerâs casting, âbut itâs just as important to see people who arenât like you. Representation teaches us who we can be, but it also teaches other people who we are and how to treat us.â And with that, dears, we grudgingly announce: FINE. Once Jodie Whittaker starts? Weâll watch Doctor Who. And youâre all invited to watch with usâif only so Hubby Kip has someone else to talk to.
THURSDAY, JULY 20
Today in âWhy are people so UNFAIR to Donald Trumpâwho lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes?â: In yet another crazy admission, President Trump told the New York Times he wouldâve never appointed Keebler elf Jeff Sessions had he known the Attorney General would recuse himself from the Russia investigation. âIf he was going to recuse himself,â Trump said, âhe should have told me before he took the job and I would have picked somebody else.â Because in addition to baking delicious cookies in a tree, Sessions is also a mind reader? Trump later added that Sessionsâ recusal âwas extremely unfair to the president.â (Psst. Not having someone in the administration who can bake Fudge Stripe cookies on demand is also unfair.) For his part, Sessions is desperately clinging to his job, telling reporters that despite Trumpâs hissy fit/threat, he will continue in his job âas long as that is appropriate.â In other words, he may be cleaning out his desk by the time youâre reading this. (Hope he didnât quit his cookie day job!)
FRIDAY, JULY 21
Terrified that Special Counsel Robert Mueller is looking into his personal and NOT AT ALL SHADY finances in connection to the Russia investigation, Trump appears to be in panic mode, desperately asking his lawyers if he can pardon staff, members of his family, and himself. IN A RELATED STORY... Hubby Kip has decided to pardon himself for giving us a Home Depot gift card for Christmas. Weâre thinking, âUmmm, NO. How about an impeachment hearing instead?â MEANWHILE... Rest in peace, Sean âSpiceyâ Spicer, who, after being continually humiliated by President Trump, has resigned as White House Press Secretary. The straw that broke the camelâs back was the hiring of Wall Street bro Anthony Scaramucci, who shares the presidentâs talent for being woefully underqualified and a never-ending fount of bullshit. (Weâll be chatting a LOT about him in the weeks ahead.) According to Politico, Spicer had no idea Scaramucci was being considered for the job, and that, along with being blocked from meeting the Pope, blamed for Melissa McCarthyâs portrayal of him on SNL, and ridiculed for his famous âhiding behind the bushesâ press briefing following the Comey firing, was more than he could take. The good news is that he will certainly have a career after this, and... oops, sorry... we were confused. Melissa McCarthy will certainly have a career after this.
SATURDAY, JULY 22
Speaking of wax dummies, the world-famous Madame Tussauds wax museum is under fire for daring to âwhitewashâ BeyoncĂŠ. According to the New York Times, the life-sized wax replica of Queen Bey mysteriously and temporarily disappeared from the floor of Madam Tussaudsâ Manhattan location after the internet noticed the statue was a few shades lighter than the superstarâs actual skin tone. In fact, these critics were quick to point out that the statue looked less like BeyoncĂŠ and more like far whiter celebs including Julia Stiles, Lindsay Lohan, Taylor Swift, Kate Gosselin (from Kate Plus Eight), and even âBecky with the Good Hair.â And just like that, poof! The statue disappeared from the museum, and returned a day later with adjustments made to the âstyling and lighting of her figure,â according to a press release from Tussauds. (And oh, she looks darker now, too.) Are you guys sure we need a Supreme Court? Because it seems like the internet takes care of stuff pretty well on its own.
SUNDAY, JULY 23
In case you havenât noticed, we havenât dragged Justin Bieber through a pile of garbage and dirty needles in a minuteâbecause thereâs been no reason! The former little puke has largely kept his nose clean for the last year or so, which hopefully means heâs finally growing up. But now someone needs to tell China! Apparently theyâre not readers of our column, because the country has BANNED Bieber because of his âon and offstage antics.â According to a statement from Beijingâs culture bureau, Biebs has âengaged in a series of bad behaviors... which has caused discontent among the public.â They added that excluding Bieber from China will help in the bureauâs continuing quest to âpurifyâ its countryâs performing arts. Wait... âpurifyâ? That sounds pretty âeugenics-yâ to us! Sure, Bieber peed in a restaurant mop bucket, flipped off a picture of Bill Clinton, egged his neighborâs house, drag raced in a residential neighborhood, insulted Anne Frank, climbed on Mexicoâs ancient ruins, was carried up the Great Wall of China by his bodyguards, and abandoned his pet monkey, but whatâs so âunpureâ about... about... okay, fine. Letâs revisit the subject in 2020.