MONDAY, JULY 24
As weâve all realized by now, Donald Trump (who, by the way, lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes) has a very particular talent: Heâs like King Midas, except instead of turning everything he touches into gold, transforms it into a bag of burning garbage. Today, for reasons many people are beginning to regret, Trump was invited to speak at the National Boy Scout Jamboree. Now, as we know, the Boy Scouts have desperately been trying to mend their terrible public image after years of refusing to let gay people into their ranks. Alas, Trumpâs speech didnât help their cause. Over the course of the speech, writes the Washington Post, âthe president threatened to fire one of his Cabinet members, attacked former president Barack Obama, dissed his former rival Hillary Clinton, marveled at the size of the crowd, warned the boys about the âfake media,â mocked pollsters and pundits, and said more people would say âMerry Christmasâ under his presidency.â Oh, and he also shared a saucy story about one of his rich real estate buddiesâ journey from a Manhattan cocktail party, to a yacht, to... perhaps an orgy? (Always a paragon of tact, Trump said âgood tasteâ wouldnât allow him to be more specific.) Flash-forward to a tsunami of outraged parents screaming at Boy Scout leadership for Trumpâs inappropriate speech, which made their brown-shirted sons appear to be part of a âTrump Youthâ rally. Flash-forward again to the sniveling apology sent out by Chief Scout Executive Michael Surbaugh, who sniveled, âI want to extend my sincere apologies to those in our Scouting family who were offended by the political rhetoric that was inserted into the jamboree.â However, some of the Scouts had a different reaction. âWe want to hear about the orgy!â they yelped, before chanting, âOR-GY! OR-GY! OR-GY!â (Hey, Boy Scouts will be Boy Scouts, right?)
TUESDAY, JULY 25
Remember last week when we reported that our... shall we say... less than fond attitude toward Justin Bieber was shifting, thanks to the fact heâs managed to stay out of trouble for the last year? Ummm... yeah. Thanks for making us look like an asshole, Justin! According to Entertainment Tonight, Biebs has cancelled the last 14 dates of his current world tour in order to protect his âsoul and well-being,â says his stupidly named manager, Scooter Braun. âBut wait,â you say. âTouring is hardâmaybe this was necessary!â WAIT FOR IT... Soon after the announcement, TMZ reported Biebs had cancelled his tour because he had ârededicated his life to Christ,â according to a source from Hillsong Churchâa supposedly âcoolâ congregation headed by ârock star pastorâ Carl Lentz. âWell...â you say, âMaybe church isnât the worst thing for Justin Bieber?â WAIT FOR IT... âJustin Bieber Hits a Paparazzo With His Truck Outside of Church,â screams the headline from E! News! Apparently a photog fell beneath Biebâs truck while trying to get pics of the celeb outside of Hillsong Churchâat which point liâl Bieber accidentally ran him over. The good news: The photog will be okayâand while Jesus may never return, at least Bad Boy Biebs is back!
WEDNESDAY, JULY 26
For those thinking Trump couldnât possibly get worse than whatever terrible thing he did five minutes ago, youâre wrong. Today the president blindsided his defense secretary and GOP leaders by declaring on Twitter an across-the-board ban of transgender people in the militaryâreportedly because Trump got confused about the GOPâs actual wishes. Politico reports that House Republicans were trying to pass a spending bill that would include financing for the promised wall between US and Mexico, but were afraid it wouldnât pass unless it included language banning the Pentagon from funding sexual-reassignment operations. Upon hearing this, Trump decided to throw out the baby, the bathwater, the tub, and the plumbing by banning transgender people in the military altogether. The Pentagon was NOT amused by Trumpâs thoughtlessness, issuing a statement saying thereâd be âno modificationsâ to the rule for now, and theyâd continue to âtreat all our personnel with respect.â In other words, it was a big and surprising âFUCK YOUUUUâ to their so-called commander-in-chief. Hmmm... wonder whoâs going to step up to say âfuck youuuuuâ next?
Remember last week when we reported that our... shall we say... less than fond attitude toward Justin Bieber was shifting, thanks to the fact heâs managed to stay out of trouble for the last year? Ummm... yeah.
THURSDAY, JULY 27
Today the GOP, led by Senate Majority Turtle Mitch McConnell, frantically attempted to cobble together a âskinny repealâ of Obamacare in a desperate, last-ditch effort to deprive millions of live-saving health care. However, todayâs âfuck youuuuâ was delivered by Republican Senators John McCain, Lindsey Graham, and Ron Johnson, who said theyâd refuse to vote for it without assurances that the âfraudulentâ legislation wouldnât be quickly voted into law by Congress. The day ended with McConnell seemingly gaining enough votes to ruin the lives of 16 million people (according to the latest CBO score), and making America beg aloud, âOh, please! Wonât any Republican be brave enough to step up and say, âFuck YOUUUUUUâ?â
FRIDAY, JULY 28
âFuck YOUUUUU!â cried Republican Senators John McCain, Lisa Murkowski, and Susan Collins during todayâs vote for McConnellâs âskinny repeal.â By joining with every single Democrat, the trio doomedâfor now, at leastâthe GOPâs flailing attempt to destroy Obamacare. While McCain commandeered the spotlight with a dramatic vote, Slate points out that Murkowski and Collins âwere at least equallyâand perhaps moreâinstrumental in killing the latest, and maybe final version of the Republican plan to repeal Obamacare.â True! Thanks, Murkowski and Collins! (Psst. You know what would make us appreciate you even more? If you and all the other Republicans who prop up the Trump Administration decided to consistently stand up for Americansâ welfare... not just when itâs the most dramatic time to do so.) AND NOW... We turn to Senate Majority Turtle Mitch McConnell! âMcConnell, humiliated by the results, stood to address his colleagues,â the Washington Post wrote of the voteâs aftermath. âThe color of his face now matched the pink in his necktie.â And, as several other observers pointed out, it looked quite a bit like McConnell was about to cry. As you know, dears, since the tender age of 12, weâve enjoyed a steady stream of martinisâbut today, we have a new favorite drink! Sure, Mitch McConnellâs tears taste a bit turtle-y, and no, they donât get us nearly as drunk as weâd like. And yet? Somehow they make us feel STRONG. This roundâs on us!
SATURDAY, JULY 29
Last week, we were lucky enough to meet Anthony âThe Moochâ Scaramucciâa former Wall Street investment bro who now copycats Trump to the extent his colleagues reportedly call him âMini-Meâ behind his back. So... now that the Mooch is the White Houseâs Communications Director, howâs he communicating? Oh, mostly by calling New Yorker writers at night and shouting and swearing. âHe started by threatening to fire the entire White House communications staff,â writes the New Yorkerâs Ryan Lizza. âIt escalated from there.â And by âescalated,â Lizza means the way Mooch spoke about White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus (âa fucking paranoid schizophrenic, a paranoiacâ), controversies over his finances (âIâve done nothing wrong on my financial disclosures, so theyâre going to have to go fuck themselvesâ), and Trump advisor/ambulatory tumor Steve Bannon (âIâm not Steve Bannon, Iâm not trying to suck my own cock,â the Mooch said, with such eloquence that he must have been speaking in iambic pentameter. âIâm not trying to build my own brand off the fucking strength of the President. Iâm here to serve the countryâ). The Mooch also bragged about costing people their livelihoods (âI fired one guy the other day. I have three to four people Iâll fire tomorrowâ) and told Lizza that Priebus, AKA Public Mooch Enemy #1, will âbe asked to resign very shortly.â Trumpâs new communications director, everybody! Donât get on his bad side... or he might call you.
SUNDAY, JULY 30
Hmm. If only there was a way that people who are giant assholes could get some kind of instant karmic retribution. Anyways, letâs see whatâs in the news today! âAnthony Scaramucci, the White Houseâs potty-mouthed new communications director, has been dumped by his beautiful blond wife because of his ânaked political ambition,ââ reports Page Six! The former Mrs. Mooch, Deirdre Ball, filed for divorce âafter getting fed up with his ruthless quest to get close to President Trump, whom she despises,â Page Six adds. So... just how desperate was Ball to escape the Mooch? Desperate enough that she âfiled for divorce while nine months pregnant,â Page Six writes! (Juggling a pregnancy and a divorce? Now thatâs a âFuck YOUUUUU!â) Please join us, dears, in wishing that Deirdre has nothing but happiness in her new lifeâor, at the very least, that she never has to speak with the Mooch again. That includes phone calls.