MONDAY, JULY 24
As we’ve all realized by now, Donald Trump (who, by the way, lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes) has a very particular talent: He’s like King Midas, except instead of turning everything he touches into gold, transforms it into a bag of burning garbage. Today, for reasons many people are beginning to regret, Trump was invited to speak at the National Boy Scout Jamboree. Now, as we know, the Boy Scouts have desperately been trying to mend their terrible public image after years of refusing to let gay people into their ranks. Alas, Trump’s speech didn’t help their cause. Over the course of the speech, writes the Washington Post, “the president threatened to fire one of his Cabinet members, attacked former president Barack Obama, dissed his former rival Hillary Clinton, marveled at the size of the crowd, warned the boys about the ‘fake media,’ mocked pollsters and pundits, and said more people would say ‘Merry Christmas’ under his presidency.” Oh, and he also shared a saucy story about one of his rich real estate buddies’ journey from a Manhattan cocktail party, to a yacht, to... perhaps an orgy? (Always a paragon of tact, Trump said “good taste” wouldn’t allow him to be more specific.) Flash-forward to a tsunami of outraged parents screaming at Boy Scout leadership for Trump’s inappropriate speech, which made their brown-shirted sons appear to be part of a “Trump Youth” rally. Flash-forward again to the sniveling apology sent out by Chief Scout Executive Michael Surbaugh, who sniveled, “I want to extend my sincere apologies to those in our Scouting family who were offended by the political rhetoric that was inserted into the jamboree.” However, some of the Scouts had a different reaction. “We want to hear about the orgy!” they yelped, before chanting, “OR-GY! OR-GY! OR-GY!” (Hey, Boy Scouts will be Boy Scouts, right?)
TUESDAY, JULY 25
Remember last week when we reported that our... shall we say... less than fond attitude toward Justin Bieber was shifting, thanks to the fact he’s managed to stay out of trouble for the last year? Ummm... yeah. Thanks for making us look like an asshole, Justin! According to Entertainment Tonight, Biebs has cancelled the last 14 dates of his current world tour in order to protect his “soul and well-being,” says his stupidly named manager, Scooter Braun. “But wait,” you say. “Touring is hard—maybe this was necessary!” WAIT FOR IT... Soon after the announcement, TMZ reported Biebs had cancelled his tour because he had “rededicated his life to Christ,” according to a source from Hillsong Church—a supposedly “cool” congregation headed by “rock star pastor” Carl Lentz. “Well...” you say, “Maybe church isn’t the worst thing for Justin Bieber?” WAIT FOR IT... “Justin Bieber Hits a Paparazzo With His Truck Outside of Church,” screams the headline from E! News! Apparently a photog fell beneath Bieb’s truck while trying to get pics of the celeb outside of Hillsong Church—at which point li’l Bieber accidentally ran him over. The good news: The photog will be okay—and while Jesus may never return, at least Bad Boy Biebs is back!
WEDNESDAY, JULY 26
For those thinking Trump couldn’t possibly get worse than whatever terrible thing he did five minutes ago, you’re wrong. Today the president blindsided his defense secretary and GOP leaders by declaring on Twitter an across-the-board ban of transgender people in the military—reportedly because Trump got confused about the GOP’s actual wishes. Politico reports that House Republicans were trying to pass a spending bill that would include financing for the promised wall between US and Mexico, but were afraid it wouldn’t pass unless it included language banning the Pentagon from funding sexual-reassignment operations. Upon hearing this, Trump decided to throw out the baby, the bathwater, the tub, and the plumbing by banning transgender people in the military altogether. The Pentagon was NOT amused by Trump’s thoughtlessness, issuing a statement saying there’d be “no modifications” to the rule for now, and they’d continue to “treat all our personnel with respect.” In other words, it was a big and surprising “FUCK YOUUUU” to their so-called commander-in-chief. Hmmm... wonder who’s going to step up to say “fuck youuuuu” next?
Remember last week when we reported that our... shall we say... less than fond attitude toward Justin Bieber was shifting, thanks to the fact he’s managed to stay out of trouble for the last year? Ummm... yeah.
THURSDAY, JULY 27
Today the GOP, led by Senate Majority Turtle Mitch McConnell, frantically attempted to cobble together a “skinny repeal” of Obamacare in a desperate, last-ditch effort to deprive millions of live-saving health care. However, today’s “fuck youuuu” was delivered by Republican Senators John McCain, Lindsey Graham, and Ron Johnson, who said they’d refuse to vote for it without assurances that the “fraudulent” legislation wouldn’t be quickly voted into law by Congress. The day ended with McConnell seemingly gaining enough votes to ruin the lives of 16 million people (according to the latest CBO score), and making America beg aloud, “Oh, please! Won’t any Republican be brave enough to step up and say, ‘Fuck YOUUUUUU’?”
FRIDAY, JULY 28
“Fuck YOUUUUU!” cried Republican Senators John McCain, Lisa Murkowski, and Susan Collins during today’s vote for McConnell’s “skinny repeal.” By joining with every single Democrat, the trio doomed—for now, at least—the GOP’s flailing attempt to destroy Obamacare. While McCain commandeered the spotlight with a dramatic vote, Slate points out that Murkowski and Collins “were at least equally—and perhaps more—instrumental in killing the latest, and maybe final version of the Republican plan to repeal Obamacare.” True! Thanks, Murkowski and Collins! (Psst. You know what would make us appreciate you even more? If you and all the other Republicans who prop up the Trump Administration decided to consistently stand up for Americans’ welfare... not just when it’s the most dramatic time to do so.) AND NOW... We turn to Senate Majority Turtle Mitch McConnell! “McConnell, humiliated by the results, stood to address his colleagues,” the Washington Post wrote of the vote’s aftermath. “The color of his face now matched the pink in his necktie.” And, as several other observers pointed out, it looked quite a bit like McConnell was about to cry. As you know, dears, since the tender age of 12, we’ve enjoyed a steady stream of martinis—but today, we have a new favorite drink! Sure, Mitch McConnell’s tears taste a bit turtle-y, and no, they don’t get us nearly as drunk as we’d like. And yet? Somehow they make us feel STRONG. This round’s on us!
SATURDAY, JULY 29
Last week, we were lucky enough to meet Anthony “The Mooch” Scaramucci—a former Wall Street investment bro who now copycats Trump to the extent his colleagues reportedly call him “Mini-Me” behind his back. So... now that the Mooch is the White House’s Communications Director, how’s he communicating? Oh, mostly by calling New Yorker writers at night and shouting and swearing. “He started by threatening to fire the entire White House communications staff,” writes the New Yorker’s Ryan Lizza. “It escalated from there.” And by “escalated,” Lizza means the way Mooch spoke about White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus (“a fucking paranoid schizophrenic, a paranoiac”), controversies over his finances (“I’ve done nothing wrong on my financial disclosures, so they’re going to have to go fuck themselves”), and Trump advisor/ambulatory tumor Steve Bannon (“I’m not Steve Bannon, I’m not trying to suck my own cock,” the Mooch said, with such eloquence that he must have been speaking in iambic pentameter. “I’m not trying to build my own brand off the fucking strength of the President. I’m here to serve the country”). The Mooch also bragged about costing people their livelihoods (“I fired one guy the other day. I have three to four people I’ll fire tomorrow”) and told Lizza that Priebus, AKA Public Mooch Enemy #1, will “be asked to resign very shortly.” Trump’s new communications director, everybody! Don’t get on his bad side... or he might call you.
SUNDAY, JULY 30
Hmm. If only there was a way that people who are giant assholes could get some kind of instant karmic retribution. Anyways, let’s see what’s in the news today! “Anthony Scaramucci, the White House’s potty-mouthed new communications director, has been dumped by his beautiful blond wife because of his ‘naked political ambition,’” reports Page Six! The former Mrs. Mooch, Deirdre Ball, filed for divorce “after getting fed up with his ruthless quest to get close to President Trump, whom she despises,” Page Six adds. So... just how desperate was Ball to escape the Mooch? Desperate enough that she “filed for divorce while nine months pregnant,” Page Six writes! (Juggling a pregnancy and a divorce? Now that’s a “Fuck YOUUUUU!”) Please join us, dears, in wishing that Deirdre has nothing but happiness in her new life—or, at the very least, that she never has to speak with the Mooch again. That includes phone calls.