Marlowe Dobbe

MONDAY, DECEMBER 4

Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears—and look at that! It’s already December? That doesn’t seem right! Then again, our heart does feel like it’s been frozen into an ice-sharpened chunk of melancholy and despair, so... maybe it does seem right? Who cares! THIS JUST IN! Don’t get too excited, but it looks like something good might actually come out of the world’s current state of abject misery! Following the news of Kevin Spacey’s sexual assaults, Netflix put the kibosh on House of Cards—but now, the network has announced they’ll produce eight more episodes of the show for “a final season that will feature female lead Robin Wright—with former star Kevin Spacey cut out of the show completely,” reports NPR. That’s fantastic! Robin Wright is great! Hey, can Netflix go back and reshoot the entirety of House of Cards with only Robin Wright? Because that, we’d watch. MEANWHILE... Following the news of Charlie Rose’s sexual assaults, PBS put the kibosh on Charlie Rose—but now, the network has announced they’ll replace the show with Amanpour, Christiane Amanpour’s London-based news program. That’s also fantastic! Christiane Amanpour is also great! Fingers crossed, dears, that the decision to replace misogynistic creeps with smart, talented women continues—and not just on TV. Everywhere.


TUESDAY, DECEMBER 5

Portland-based Columbia Sportswear has found itself embroiled in the city’s homeless debate—thanks to pouty CEO Tim Boyle threatening to take the business elsewhere unless Mayor Ted Wheeler forbids homeless people from using the sidewalk next to Columbia’s fancy-pants store downtown! (Well, we assume it’s fancy-pants—since we don’t have a spare $1,000 to spend on Columbia’s “Women’s OutDry™ Ex Diamond Heatzone Long Parka,” we’ve never been allowed inside.) So: Threatening Portlanders’ jobs and making homeless people’s lives even harder? That’s certainly one way to conduct business in 2017! ALTERNATIVELY... “Outdoor gear company Patagonia says it will take legal action over President Trump’s move to dramatically shrink two national monuments in Utah,” reports CNN. “The California-based company, which is known for its activism, joins a growing number of organizations questioning the Trump administration’s authority to slash the areas covered by Utah’s Grand Staircase-Escalante National Monument and Bears Ears National Monument.” “We’ve fought to protect these places since we were founded and now we’ll continue that fight in the courts,” said badass Patagonia CEO Rose Marcario, as CNN noted that “Patagonia changed its homepage to an all black background with the message ‘The President Stole Your Land’ written in white in the center” along with instructions for how visitors could “support groups fighting to preserve public lands.” So that’s another way to conduct business in 2017! We think we know which one we like better.


WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 6

And because it’s been at least two days since President Trump (who, as a reminder, lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes) has brought about an international crisis... here’s an international crisis! “President Trump on Wednesday formally recognized Jerusalem as the capital of Israel, reversing nearly seven decades of American foreign policy,” reports the New York Times, in what might be the first news story about World War III! Noting that Trump’s “recognition of Jerusalem isolates the United States on one of the world’s most sensitive diplomatic issues,” the NYT added that the announcement drew “a storm of criticism from Arab and European leaders,” as “Pope Francis and the Chinese foreign ministry joined the chorus of voices warning that the move could unleash a wave of violence across the region.” “In an already volatile region, Mr. Trump’s action will be akin to dousing gasoline on a burning fire,” Ebrahim Moosa, professor of Islamic studies at the University of Notre Dame, told CNN. Speaking of gasoline, that’s just one of the things Hubby Kip is currently stockpiling in our basement—along with canned food, bottled water, and a couple of hazmat suits! (Wait. Does Patagonia make a hazmat suit? Maybe one with a cozy down lining and a fur-lined hood? Because surviving the apocalypse is good and all, but if we can look good while surviving the apocalypse, even better.)


THURSDAY, DECEMBER 7

SORRY (NOT SORRY) MARK WILSON / GETTY IAMGES

Yesterday, 18 Democratic senators (including Sens. Patty Murray, Kamala Harris, Kirsten Gillibrand, and Oregon’s Jeff Merkley) called upon Sen. Al Franken to step down following accusations of sexual harassment and assault. Today Franken apparently got the message, and tendered his resignation speech from the floor of the Senate. But because many men just can’t seem to apologize, Franken’s farewell was filled with venom, snark, and nary a whiff of “I’m sorry.” “I know who I really am,” Franken said to his dubious listeners. “I know in my heart that nothing I have done as a senator—nothing—has brought dishonor on this institution.” Hm. We suppose this includes the latest allegation that he tried to force a congressional intern to kiss him in 2006, reportedly telling her, “It’s my right as an entertainer.” No thank you, and goodbye. THAT SAID... Even as Franken was ousted for his sins, a certain criminal president accused of sexual harassment/assault, as well as an Alabama gun-totin’ candidate (and racist/homophobe/accused pedophile) are conducting business as usual! Alabama’s voters will have decided Roy Moore’s fate by the time you read this—but what of Trump? Well, according to a new Quinnipiac poll, a whopping 70 percent of Americans think the allegations against President Trump should be investigated. (Wow! If this keeps up, we’ll need so many investigators that unemployment will be a thing of the past! Soooo... thanks, Trump?)


FRIDAY, DECEMBER 8

Meanwhile, another US lawmaker—Arizona’s Republican Rep. Trent Franks—has resigned under a cloud of sexual harassment allegations... but buckle up, dears, because things are about to get WEIRD. According to Politico, Franks allegedly made “unwanted advances” toward two female staffers, asking each if they would act as a surrogate for him and his wife, due to fertility issues. But two things: (1) Surprise! There are actually businesses that find surrogates for couples struggling to conceive! And (2) from the way the female staffers put it, he was asking to impregnate them through sexual intercourse. AND OH, IT GETS WEIRDER. The AP adds that Franks repeatedly pressured one member of his staff to carry his child, and even offered her $5 million to go through with it. Note to infertile couples: SURROGATES DO NOT COST $5 MILLION. Franks is denying the accusations—but we would too if we got caught offering $5 million to a co-worker for sex. (Waitasecond! We thought Republicans were supposed to be the financially conservative ones!)


SATURDAY, DECEMBER 9

Today the New York Times published the most comprehensive look yet into how President Trump spends his days in the White House. Here are just a few quotes from the heavily researched and sourced article—prepare to be horrified. “People close to him estimate that Mr. Trump spends at least four hours a day, and sometimes as much as twice that, in front of a television,” wrote the NYT. “He watches [Jeanine] Pirro and her fellow Fox News hosts Sean Hannity and Laura Ingraham, and sometimes ‘hate-watches’ CNN to get worked up, especially Don Lemon.” Then, “Energized, infuriated... Mr. Trump grabs his iPhone. Sometimes he tweets while propped on his pillow... [or] from the den next door, watching another television.” And perhaps most alarming: “Watching cable, he shares thoughts with anyone in the room, even the household staff he summons via a button for lunch or for one of the dozen Diet Cokes he consumes each day.” DEAR GOD. To the makers of Diet Coke: If you’re trying to poison him, you’re doing a piss poor job of it.


SUNDAY, DECEMBER 10

SUPER NOT SORRY MARK WILSON / GETTY IAMGES

As mentioned earlier, on Tuesday voters in Alabama will decide whether they’d rather elect a Democrat or an accused pedophile as their next senator. And apparently, this isn’t an easy choice for them to make! After all, one candidate prosecuted members of the KKK for a 1963 church bombing that killed four Black girls, while the other hates gays, was removed as state Supreme Court chief justice (twice!), and has a well-documented history of sexually pursuing teen girls while in his 30s. Ugh! Such a frustrating choice, right? Well, even though it’s too late to change anyone’s mind, here’s a final tidbit about Roy Moore that was dug up by CNN today. In 2011, Moore appeared on the Aroostok Watchmen radio show hosted by two conspiracy theorists (of course), and said that nullifying every constitutional amendment after the Tenth “would eliminate many problems,” adding, “People don’t understand how some of these amendments have completely tried to wreck [our] form of government.” So which amendments follow the Tenth? Oh, just the 13th (which abolished slavery), the 15th (prohibiting government from denying citizens the right to vote based on race), and the 19th (which gave women the right to vote). Sooo... hope you cast your ballots, women and Black voters of Alabama! ’Cause that might’ve been your last chance. [UPDATE: Thanks to the magic of Black women voters, Roy Moore has been defeated. YOU (clap) ARE (clap) THE (clap) BEST!]