Marlowe Dobbe

MONDAY, JULY 23

FASHION “DON’T” Olivier Douliery Pool / Getty Images

Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears—where we’re starting the week with good news for once! FIRST UP... Ivanka Trump’s tacky fashion company is KAPUT, gabs Page Six! “Since the inauguration of her father,” the gossip page writes, Ivanka’s tacky line of tacky “mid-priced shoes, purses, clothes, and accessories has been dropped by stores including Nordstrom, Neiman Marcus, Jet.com, DSW, Shoes.com, Belk, ShopStyle and Gilt.” As you recall, Nordstrom parted ways with the First Daughter’s line, citing poor “brand performance.” Hey Ivanka? That’s code for “No one wants your tacky crap,” and proves that only one Trump has the ability to sell morons a bill of goods. THE GOOD NEWS CONTINUES... “More than 7,000 Nike employees will be getting raises after an internal pay review, undertaken after claims of workplace misconduct and discrimination against women,” reports the New York Times, which adds that the move follows an “internal revolt” at Nike, in which women employees “said they were fed up with a company that they accused of tolerating bad behavior and excluding women from its top jobs. At least 11 senior managers have left in the aftermath of an investigation into widespread allegations of harassment and discrimination.” AND FINALLY... Perhaps the best news of all? Humans can now control cougars... with their minds! “An Oregon woman who found a mountain lion in her living room says she relied on ‘frequency and attunement,’ ‘feline-speak eye blinking,’ and telepathy to calm the animal and safely guide it out after it took a six-hour nap behind the couch,” says the Oregonian. (Sure! Why not!) The Ashland woman, Lauren Taylor, explained on Facebook that cougars are “extremely psychic” and “perceptive of energy,” so of course she was able to... okay. Hold on. This cougar is totally gonna come back and eat her, right? Yeah, definitely. That’s happening for sure. Oh well! Two out of three news items being good? For 2018, that’s fantastic!


TUESDAY, JULY 24

Surely this streak of good news can’t last, but... maybe it can? This week, CNN obtained a secret 2016 recording between former BFFs Donald Trump (who lost the popular election by 2,865,974 votes) and his one-time lawyer Michael Cohen, in which the two discuss “how they would buy the rights to a Playboy model’s story about an alleged affair Trump had with her years earlier,” explains CNN! (Remember, dears—back in February, the White House insisted that Karen McDougal’s account of her affair with Trump was “just more fake news.”) And that’s not all: Increasingly, it looks like Cohen is cooperating with federal prosecutors—potentially revealing a gold mine of incriminating evidence against Trump! With a spineless GOP protecting Trump at all costs, who knows if any of it will, you know, matter... but for now? For now, we can dream.


WEDNESDAY, JULY 25

Speaking of weak-willed former Trump co-conspirators, former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer has written a book called The Briefing about his time with the administration—and according to everyone who’s read it, it is a hilarious, totally inept disaster. “Mr. Spicer has not been well served by the book’s fact checkers and copy editors,” writes Wall Street Journal literary critic Jonathan Karl. “He refers to the author of the infamous Trump dossier as ‘Michael Steele,’ who is in truth the former chairman of the Republican National Committee, not the British ex-spy Christopher Steele. He recounts a reporter asking Mr. Obama a question at a White House press conference in 1999, a decade before Mr. Obama was elected.” While it’s easy to laugh at Spicey’s dumb-ass buffoonery, let’s not forget his constant parroting of Trump’s lies helped bring us to our current horrid state. Happily, the BBC’s Emily Maitlis did not forget and absolutely ROASTED Spicer during an interview about his book. “You played with the truth,” she accused him, as he sat there sweating copiously. “You led us down a dangerous path. You have corrupted discourse for the entire world by going along with these lies.” SLAY, MAMA, SLAY! (Do you think England would go along with a journalist exchange program?)


THURSDAY, JULY 26

Want more embarrassing White House gossip? You got it, doll! According to the New York Times, Trump flipped his rapidly thinning wig after boarding Air Force One to discover that First Lady Melania Trump’s TV was tuned to (gasp!) CNN instead of Fox News! According to leaked emails, White House staff noted that the president threw an orange-hued hissy-fit over the revelation, and issued a stern decree that henceforth all televisions watched by his entourage must be tuned to Fox News, or... or... well, he didn’t exactly say what would happen. Let’s just assume he’ll make a doody in his adult diaper. But here’s the best part: When reporters informed Melania’s spokeswoman of the president’s new “no CNN” order, she curtly replied that, actually, the First Lady will watch “any channel she wants.” SNAP. Say, is there a network that specifically caters to First Ladies who are married to criminal adulterers? Somebody should get on that.


FRIDAY, JULY 27

And now, a tale of two detectives: First there’s detective Robert Mueller, who must feel like a pig wallowing in clue shit right now. According to the New York Times, the special prosecutor is currently focusing his steely eye on the almost certain probability that President Trump has obstructed justice with his constant attempts to shut down the Russia probe. “But where’s the proof?” squeals your conservative Aunt Sandra on Facebook. Why, it’s elementary, dear Aunt Sandra! First, there’s Twitter, where the president threatens to shut down the investigation on a semi-regular basis. Second, there are the private conversations (some of which were made public) in which he issued veiled threats to Jeff Sessions and James Comey if they didn’t pledge their loyalty. And the third and most damning reason to suspect Trump wants to shut down the Russia probe is when he admitted in his taped interview with NBC’s Lester Holt that he totally wants to shut down the Russia probe! So as you can clearly see, your honor, Trump is absolutely guilty of obstruction, and should be impeached immediately, and... oh. You’re a Republican judge who wants to be reelected, so you’re going to ignore this case until after the mid-terms? Oh, cool, cool, cool... that’s cool.


SATURDAY, JULY 28

DEFECTIVE DETECTIVE Christopher Polk / Getty Images

On to our next detective! While Robert Mueller is on a fool’s errand to convict the president, Celebrity Detective Amber Rose is trying to convince us that Gwyneth Paltrow is the famed “Becky with the good hair” who allegedly canoodled with the philandering Jay-Z under Beyoncé’s perfectly regal nose. (Yes, this is two-year-old drama—but we’re sick of talking about Trump, okay?!?) While making a guest appearance on Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt’s podcast (yes, they’re still trying to regain their celebrity status, and no, it’s never going to happen), Amber opined that Ms. Goopy was at one time good friends with Bey and Z, but now she says, “You don’t see Gwyneth with Beyoncé anymore.” Therefore, ipso facto, Gwynnie is obviously “Becky with the good hair!” There’s only one flaw in your theory, Amber: NO ONE LIKES GWYNETH PALTROW... which is why Beyoncé (and everyone else in the universe) refuses to hang around the Goopster. Looks like Amber Rose isn’t much of a detective—but maybe she, Heidi, and Spencer can join Trump’s legal team!


SUNDAY, JULY 29

It’s your lucky day, dweebs: Scooters have invaded Portland! Electric scooters—the transportation of choice for tech bros who are too lazy to walk—buzzed their way into town this week, with Portland granting scooter-rental companies Bird, Skip, and Lime permission to dump their scooters across the city for a “trial period.” Bird and Skip’s victory in Portland comes after a string of failures everywhere else: E-scooter companies have been forcibly removed or served with cease-and-desist orders by (deeeep breath) Austin, Milwaukee, Honolulu, Miami, Charlotte, Denver, Louisville, Nashville, Indianapolis, and San Francisco! While Portland’s scooters will have their usual problems—with nerds hitting pedestrians, clogging bike lanes, and abandoning scooters on sidewalks—all the most annoying Portlanders had to try them... which leads us to (heeeavy sigh) Hubby Kip. The former love of our life/current unemployed layabout leapt out of bed this morning, eager to putt around like a dork. “Behold, Annie! The transportation of the future!” he proclaimed—the exact words he shouted when he bought his stupid Segway (that he crashed into our pool) and his stupid hoverboard (that exploded and gave him third-degree burns). As we write this, Kip’s off somewhere in town, teetering on a little douchemobile and—hold on! THIS JUST IN... Okay, we just got a text from Kip, and he’s at Legacy Emanuel, and needs a ride home after a “scooter incident” in Pioneer Courthouse Square? He didn’t think it was very funny when we asked him why he couldn’t just scoot himself home. (Behold, Portland! The transportation of the future!)