MONDAY, OCTOBER 23
One Day arrived at the office early this morning greeted by a throng of traffic
cops on motorcycles, ambulances and intimidating G-men lining NW 23rd. Much to
our relief, it was just Al Gore, stopping by the Marsee Bakery for
a cup of Oregon Chai Tea and a round of glad-handing. However, even more disturbing
than the G-men with mirrored sunglasses and tiny penises who wouldn’t let
a legitimate member of the press get her morning coffee, was the blasé attitude
exhibited by the Marsee employees. When we inquired about the vice-president’s
visit, the very bored counter girl just shrugged her shoulders: “He drinks his
tea, just like anyone else.” Perhaps she would be a bit more enthralled by a visit
from George W. Bush. She apparently doesn’t realize that instead of tea,
he drinks the blood of bored liberals like her.


TUESDAY, OCTOBER 24
Today the Army chief of staff, Gen. Eric Shinseki, announced a flamboyant new
addition to the ensemble of American soldiers–the beret! Apparently,
the chief took one look at those homely green caps our boys have been wearing
for years, and tutted, “No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, NO! That
will never, never do!” Rather than recognizing the beret as one of the fruitiest
hats in existence, the chief considers them “symbol of our valuesthe transformation
into a new, lighter, nimbler force for the 21st century.” Boy, we’ll
say! And while we suspect there may be a deeper reason for him choosing
the beret well, we’ll make you a deal, chief: if you don’t tell, we won’t ask!
(Wink!)


WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 25
Three protesters dangled from the Morrison Bridge today, in what is largely
seen as yet another attempt to further confuse an already severely confused
public. Held aloft with ropes, two women and one man lowered themselves down
from the bridge along with a sign that read, “Al Gore, No Blood for Oil,
Save the UWA tribe.” Though many witnesses could not begin to fathom what
this sign meant, more than a few interpreted it as saying that Al was going
to trade his own blood for some oil, and this would somehow rescue the
United Auto Workers. As it turns out, this could not be further from
the truth. First of all, it’s not the United Auto Workers (which, btw, would
be UAW, not UWA), but an actual tribe from the Colombian Andes called
the U’wa. Turns out that Al Gore owns a lot of stock in Occidental
Petroleum, which is planning on drilling on U’wa land. Environmentalists
suggest this plan would bring ecological disaster to the U’wa people as well
as giving the finger to their ancestral lands. However, why three local environmentalists
would choose to dangle from a bridge to spread such a garbled message is anyone’s guess. And while One Day is in the business of clearing up
confusion, some things are beyond even us.


THURSDAY, OCTOBER 26
While it has become extremely difficult to think of anything other than the
upcoming election, there is one thing that has many of us worried sick: CORN! Apparently 1.2 million bushels of genetically altered corn have escaped
from their fields, and are finding their way into American mouths–without EPA
approval! And while the company that produced these abominations is saying “the
risk to people is extremely remote,” Americans are SCARED and they want ANSWERS.
That’s why One Day is happy to answer your “killer corn” questions.
Here’s one from Nick, a “long-time reader, first-time writer.” “Dear Ann:
Could this gene-altered corn conceivably murder me in my sleep?“
Well, the FDA claims that health risks from this type of corn is low, but “murder,”
as you like to call it, can happen to anyone–even the healthy. Be careful.
Now, here’s a letter from Patricia, a homemaker and mother of two. “Dear
Ann: Make no mistake–kids love corn. Can you suggest any recipes that use genetically
altered corn?” Yes, we can! You can use genetically altered corn in any recipe that normally calls for corn, from fritters to smoked corn soup. Just
watch the kids for unwanted side effects, like “blind staggers” or the odd unwanted
tumor that grows hair and teeth. Glad we could help!


FRIDAY, OCTOBER 27
George W. Bush may have the Down’s Syndrome vote locked up, but the Boy Scouts
of America think he’s taking them for granted. The Bush campaign used an
image of scouts raising a flag in a new commercial, and, according to today’s
New York Times, the Scouts want it pulled. The Scouts say this is because
they don’t think it’s appropriate to endorse any candidate, and not because
they are mad that Bush never wears the “If God Liked Gays He Would Have Made
Adam and Steve” t-shirt they sent him. They also think his name just “sounds
dirty.” When asked about the matter, Governor Bush said he had never
heard of the Scouts, but was pretty sure they were a bunch of major-league
assholes.


SATURDAY, OCTOBER 28
President Jed Bartlet came to town today to stump for Al Gore. His entourage
included his aide Charlie Young, newsman Lou Grant, Chicago Hope
surgeon Dr. Kathryn Austin, St. Elsewhere’s Dr. Roxanne Turner,
and Meathead. One Day, never a girl to miss a hobnobbing op, was
there, and let us tell you, you couldn’t have thrown a campaign button without
piercing a celebrity. Not that we tried. The rally was held at the Gore campaign
offices on SE Madison, in front of a small enthusiastic crowd dressed mostly
in nylon rain gear. The speeches were well-delivered and emotive. Several were
nominated for Emmys. The message was: Nader is a good man, but it’s time to
take a bullet for the party, or we’re all fucked. Lou Grant used the word “bullshit.”
The crowd went wild. The celebrities signed campaign posters. Then we drank
a free bottle of water. Of course it wasn’t really free, but it’s always
gratifying to so tangibly reap the benefits of our tax dollars.


SUNDAY, OCTOBER 29
We are SO popular. Today a whole other bevy of celebrities
came to Portland to see us ¯ and, oh yeah, to talk about some upcoming
election. One of the celebrities was Melissa Etheridge, the third most
famous lesbian in the world after Ellen DeGeneres and Janet Reno.
Ms. Etheridge, clad in a tight black t-shirt and gold pants, sang songs and
asked us to vote for Gore so she can keep going to state dinners. She said something
else too, but we couldn’t hear because there were too many lighter-holding lesbians
gathered in front of the speakers. We like Melissa Etheridge because it is clear
she thinks with her heart. Look at who she chose as a sperm donor: David
Crosby. Genetically speaking, this was not a conservative choice. This leads
us to believe that Ms. Etheridge might have some integrity. Or maybe she just
doesn’t do much reading. In any case, the best line of the evening went to Kristin
Gore, who assured Paula Poundstone, and the audience, that her dad
“has very presidential legs.” That settles it. He’s got our vote.

Lou Grant for President! ann@portlandmercury.com