MONDAY, MARCH 23 News Flash! Old people need love,
too! To be frank, we rarely write about the aged in this column
because (a) they are too old to get themselves into the kind of trouble
that is of interest to our readership, and (b) this isn’t a large-print
newspaper. However, we do love to report about Hollyweird trends, and
this week’s top trend is old people getting married!
Isn’t that adorable? They so want to be like the rest of us. First up,
rapidly aging action star Bruce Willis toddled up the aisle this
past weekend, after waiting an entire year to marry gal pal Emma
Heming—hey, when you’re 54 years old (like Willis) you need
someone to drive you to the bingo games. Also married last week
was grumpy grampy David Letterman, who wed longtime g-friend
Regina Lasko after apparently deciding he didn’t want to die
alone. And while he may not have taken the plunge just yet,
People magazine reported that sexy-genarian Harrison Ford has FINALLY proposed to the stick-thin, swollen-lipped Calista
Flockhart after seven interminable years of courtship. We’re not
too sure what he was waiting for—it’s not like Calista was going
to UN-waste away. Regardless, congrats to all the happy couples, and as
a wedding present, they can expect to receive an “I Heart the AARP” mug
in the mail. (Note to old people: Please stop driving.)
TUESDAY, MARCH 24 Presidential dreamboat Barack Obama interrupted prime-time television tonight for another of his press
conferences—which was bad for the East Coast, who missed
NBC’s The Biggest Loser, and not so bad for the West Coast, who
only missed Judge Judy. And while his message about taking
drastic measures to save our country’s floundering economy was a
touch unnerving, whenever he looks at us with those big brown eyes, and
speaks to us in that strong, confident voice, we forget all about our
silly economic problems and imagine ourselves eating s’mores and
cuddling with him in a giant beanbag chair. Oh, that sweet
voice… those soft lips… those big… Zzzzzzzzzz… bftpht! Snort!
Huh? What? How long were we out? Were we drooling? Oh god, we were
drooling. MEANWHILE… As reported last week, Jennifer
Aniston and John Mayer are officially DUNZO—and
according to the Daily Telegraph, Twitter was the other
woman! A snoopy source says that Mayer was far too busy “twittering” on
the popular social networking site to call Jen or return her nagging
emails. “Jen was fuming,” says the snoop, “There he was, telling her he
didn’t have time for her and yet his page was filled with Twitter
updates.” Actually, we know how he feels. Social networking is
great because you don’t have to actually socialize with anyone.
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 25 And now it’s time once again for “News of
the Obvious.” Today’s top headline from Us Weekly: “Demi
Moore to Terminally Ill Fan: Don’t Have Surgery to Look Like Me.” Ummm… can that advice apply to the rest of us as well?
MEANWHILE… Obvious headline of the day #2 from MSNBC.com:
“Chris Brown and Rihanna Are Taking a Break.” We can certainly
understand why: Beating the crap out of someone can be exhausting!
THURSDAY, MARCH 26 Pop cougar Madonna is off to Africa
again to pick up another orphan for her growing
collection—but it looks like she won’t get this one without a
fight. According to New York’s Daily News, the adoption
process might be stalled because of her extramarital shenanigans (hi, A-Rod and Jesus!), and recent divorce from
director Guy Ritchie. A senior official from Malawi’s Ministry
of Women and Child Welfare stated, “Our official policy is that we do
not encourage our children to be sent into broken homes.” Oh, COME ON,
Malawi official! Madonna is NOT the Octomom, her annual salary
is double the net worth of most African nations, and if she can’t find
a father for the child, she’ll adopt one. Case closed!
MEANWHILE… Though we haven’t heard from her in a while,
Paris Hilton is still capable of annoying people into violence.
Today in a Miami club, Hilton marched up to the DJ and demanded that he
stop playing techno music—because after all, these are
Paris Hilton’s ears we’re talking about. One of the DJ’s entourage gave
her a shove, current Hilton boy-toy Doug Reinhardt leapt to her
defense, and six club security guards fell on him like a house of
bricks. Paris described the traumatic scene in her blog: “All hell
broke loose. It was like something out of a fight movie… Doug
was fighting off like six guys. But he was of course stronger than them
all, but one of the idiots punched him in the face and busted open
his lip. I cannot believe people behave this way, like
ainmals [sic]!” Hey, PETA! Are you guys gonna let her
insult “ainmals” like that?
FRIDAY, MARCH 27 So that annoying “Vince” guy from the
ShamWow infomercials? The “you’ll say, ‘Wow!’ everytime!” guy?
Well, when he isn’t selling glorified paper towels, 44-year-old
Vince Shlomi allegedly beats up hookers! Says thesmokinggun.com, “Shlomi met Sasha
Harris, 26, at a Miami Beach nightclub on February 7 and
subsequently retired with her to his $750 room at the lavish Setai
hotel. Shlomi told cops he paid Harris about $1,000 in cash after she
‘propositioned him for straight sex.’ Shlomi said that when he kissed
Harris, she suddenly ‘bit his tongue and would not let go.’
Shlomi then punched Harris several times until she released his
tongue.” MEANWHILE… The conspiracy theorists at gawker.com suggest that perhaps Harris was
hired by the Church of Scientology—an organization Shlomi
was kicked out of in 2004! Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII dismissed
the accusation. “If myself and my fellow church leaders—hi
Tom!—wanted to kill Vinnie, everyone knows we’d have used a
Thangarian vibroblade or a plasma katana,” Klaktu
scoffed. “Besides, why would we eliminate the source for the only known
material in the Delta Quadrant that effectively absorbs the acidic
bloodslime of xenomorphs?”
SATURDAY, MARCH 28 Dare we hope for a star-cross’d reunion?
“She keeps sneaking messages to Adnan begging him to help her win
back her freedom,” a source tells The Sun, gushing that
Britney Spears is covertly contacting her former beau, goateed
douchenozzle Adnan Ghalib. “She feels trapped. She has been
begging him to meet her and help her come up with a plan to get
out of her dad’s conservatorship.” The duo have yet to brainstorm a
scheme, though: “Some messages have got back to her via her
hairdressers and style team,” the source continues, “but Adnan cannot
contact her otherwise he will face jail.” (The Sun notes that
Ghalib is still facing legal fallout from when he “allegedly tried to
run over a legal worker who tried to serve him with a
restraining order obtained by Britney’s dad Jamie Spears.”)
Ah… romance.
SUNDAY, MARCH 29 “Why doesn’t this singer pick other children? It is
stealing,” says 61-year-old Lucy Chekechiwa—the
grandmother of Mercy James, the Malawian three-year-old that
Madonna planned to ruthlessly steal easily adopt! And it gets worse!
Us points out that the British charity Save the Children is
accusing Madonna of encouraging poor parents ‘to abandon children in
the hope that they will have a better life.'” Okay, concerned
English people! Turn off your Mr. Bean, put down your crumpets,
and listen: Of course Madonna can’t heartlessly abduct deeply
care about every single child in Malawi or wherever. That’s what Angelina Jolie is for. Now get off of Madge’s
wrinkly ol’ back and let her go ahead with her nefarious
child-snatching practices that are probably vampiric or something in
nature her charitable adoption, won’t you? Jolly good.