MONDAY, MARCH 30 Say what you will about Lindsay
Lohan, but she’s quite the entrepreneur. Remember last
season’s long tube socks with the built-in kneepads? Those were totally
Lindsay’s idea! She saw a market for young actresses who spend a lot of
time on their knees and capitalized on it. And her newest venture is
even better suited for Tinsel Turd: a fake tanning lotion called
Sevin Nyne—because an orange complexion beats skin cancer any
day, right? However, a problem occurred this week when NYC’s Daily
News accused LiLo of using a competing fake tan
product to get her current carrot-colored hue. According to a
source, Lindsay was preparing for the launch of Sevin Nyne by using
products from her soon-to-be rival Fake Bake. Unsurprisingly,
Lindy’s business partner Kristi Kaylor denies the charges:
“Lindsay only uses Sevin Nyne. Lindsay also has her own [tanning]
machine and gallons of Sevin Nyne solution that she uses
regularly.” And here we thought she was bathing in booze!
MEANWHILE… Omigod. Check out this headline! “Demi Moore
Uses Twitter to Save Suicidal Fan’s Life.” As you undoubtedly know,
Demi and hubby/dumbass Ashton Kutcher use the social networking
application Twitter on an annoyingly regular basis. However, while most
tweets (Twits? Twats?) are mind-numbingly boring, Demi received the
following message from an allegedly suicidal fan: “Getting a knife, a
big one that is sharp. Going to cut my arm down the whole arm so
it doesn’t waste time.” Well, Demi’s Twatter (sorry) Twitter Squad
leapt into action, contacted the police, and helped save the person’s
life. “Today was a prime example of the power of collective
consciousness and our incredible ability to create change when we come
together,” Demi later twatted. WE’RE SORRY! BUT WE REFUSE TO SAY,
“TWITTERED!”

TUESDAY, MARCH 31 In political news, President Barack Obama was in London, England today to attend the G-20 summit, where
world leaders met to discuss the global financial meltdown and blah,
blah, blah, blah, BLAH. The real story was First Lady
Michelle Obama’s knock-out fashion sense, which left London all
a-twatter (sorry, twitter), and her meeting with the queen herself, who was so floored by Michelle’s general awesome-osity that
she actually gave the first lady a hug. But here’s the thing:
According to royal protocol, this NEVER happens. A Buckingham Palace
spokesman could not remember the last time the queen had displayed such
a flagrant exhibition of public affection: “C’or, it was a fair cop,
guv, and ‘er majesty had ‘er bang to rights. Innit, eh? So steady on,
old chap! Toodle pip and Bob’s your uncle!” When will these people
learn to speak English? MEANWHILE… Remember Levi
Johnston? The admitted Alaskan redneck and the impregnator of
Sarah Palin’s daughter Bristol, who was very nearly
forced into a loveless marriage during the last election by the GOP? In
a truly bizarre turn of events, Levi appeared on The Tyra Banks Show today—possibly to
promote idiocy?—and admitted that Mama Palin let he and Bristol
share a room in her Alaskan home and probably knew they were having
sex. Levi also insisted he NEVER had unprotected sex with
Bristol—until Tyra reminded him of his baby, Tripp. Tyra
should have Levi on her show every day, because he really makes her
look smart.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1 Note to Britney Spears’ father/prison
warden Jamie Spears: When you go out of town, don’t forget to
lock the chastity belt! According to the Daily News, the split
second Daddy Spears flew to LA on business, Brit flung her vagina on
the penis of one of her back-up dancers. According to an
unidentified source, “Britney was definitely getting jiggy there
for a hot minute, but they’ve slowed down since Jamie got back into the
picture.” Note to unidentified source: Unless you’re the Fresh Prince,
please never use the word “jiggy” again.

THURSDAY, APRIL 2 Apparently unhappy with the children she already
has, pop cougar Madonna is once again back in Malawi,
trolling the orphanages for another sweet score. This season’s
pick? Adorable three-year-old Mercy James, who was plucked from
the pack possibly for the freshness of her internal organs, and her
high levels of DHEA (the “fountain of youth” hormone) which Madonna
will suck straight from the child’s neck via two sharp incisors.
Congratulations Mercy, you’re going to love America! (Confidential to
Mercy: Run… for the love of god… RUN!!!)

FRIDAY, APRIL 3 Okay, now we feel like a jerk. “I must have to
decline to grant this application to Madonna,” said professional
dream-crusher/Malawian judge Esmie Chondo, who today refused to
let Madonna adopt three-year-old Mercy James, worrying that
doing so might “facilitate trafficking of children.” Defeated, a “sad”
Madonna left the country, while Mercy James was sent back to the
orphanage. We’ll admit it: We feel bad for making Madge out to be
some kind of vampire. And we feel especially bad that little Mercy is
being sent back to the orphanage, and… waitasecond. Hubby Kip!
Buy a stroller, and pack the bags! We’re going to Malawi! This’ll be
the perfect excuse to trick Angelina into talking to
us…. MEANWHILE… Wha-huh? There’s a third Olsen twin? An Olsen who was neither Mary-Kate nor
Ashley inexplicably appeared today, calling itself
“Elizabeth” and claiming to be a 20-year-old NYU student.
“Following the cloning process, we kept her alive as a back-up
Olsen,” said Dave Coulier, a security guard at the Olsen
estate. “Unfortunately, no matter how many times we told Lizzy to cut
it out, she just kept trying burrow her way out of that root cellar.”
“We suspect she speaks in a self-made ‘gibberish language’ that
consists of various Full House catchphrases,” the NYPD’s
Brett Fitzgibbons told reporters. “Kinda like Jodie
Foster in Nell, but with more phrases like, ‘You got it,
dude!'” Police and animal control experts are currently surrounding the
duplex of Bob Saget, suspecting that the creature might have
tricked its way inside, most likely by impersonating one or both of its
sisters.

SATURDAY, APRIL 4 Have Lindsay Lohan and Samantha
Ronson finally split? LiLo’s Twitter would seem to imply as much!
“I was right all along. Cheat,” read one tweety-twat, which was
followed by, “being cheated on does wonders to you.” “look, im doing
this publicly because u&ur friends call people mag..so-you win, you
broke my heart. now go away. i loved you,” read another charmingly
punctuated twatty-tweet, but here’s our personal fave: “OMG WOMAN!
CAWLLLL MEEEEEEEE.” MEANWHILE… In other romantic news, it
appears that bisexual reality TV star Tila Tequila and Smashing
Pumpkin Billy Corgan are an item! The two were sighted first at
Bravo’s A-List Awards, and then at LA’s Cecconi’s restaurant! (Totes
shocking, right? We have no idea how they got into anything labeled
“A-List,” either.)

SUNDAY, APRIL 5 Hollyweird’s denizens have found a new way to deal
with pesky paparazzi: shoot ’em! Photographers Rolando
Aviles and Yuri Cortez were snapping pics of supermodel
Gisele Bündchen and her quarterback husband Tom
Brady when the couple’s bodyguards chased them down, then shot
at them—shattering the back window of Cortez’s SUV! “The
bullet went between us,” Aviles breathlessly told the New York
Post. “I could have lost my life for the sale of some
pictures Gisele didn’t want published. Are they insane?” Consider this
a warning, Rolando and Yuri: If you take even one pic of our beloved
Mercy James Romano? Hubby Kip is so coming after you.
(We’re pretty sure he has his old Red Ryder BB gun somewhere in the
garage.) We aim to get an exclusive photo deal with Us Weekly,
and we’ll be damned if shots of us teaching little M.J. to dance to
“Like a Virgin” will be printed anywhere else.