MONDAY, APRIL 6 Cue pathetic sense of denial in three… two…
one…. “We are taking a brief break so I can focus on myself,”
Lindsay Lohan said to E! News today, still denying that her
relationship with grumpy mannish DJ Samantha Ronson didn’t just
swirl down the toilet. Let’s recount what happened this past weekend,
and you can decide for yourself if what LiLo and SamRo are experiencing
sounds like “a brief break.” On Friday, Linds suffered a near psychotic
breakdown after she was refused entry to a Ronson family bash at
Bar Marmont in West Hollyweird. “Lindsay was banned from the event and
was trying to enter from all ends,” a snoopy spy stated. “Sam did
not want her there.” Lindsay got a second clue that all might not
be right in Samanthaland when she arrived at Sam’s house and noticed
that all the locks had been changed. Clue three? Lindsay was
only given a few minutes to get her stuff out of Sam’s place. However,
when Sam’s family visited the Beverly Hills Police Station to get
information on how to obtain a restraining order? That’s just a
little more icing on the “You Just Got DUMPED” cake. BUT! Tomorrow is
always another day, right?

TUESDAY, APRIL 7 Not really. At least according to this headline
from Radaronline.com: “Lindsay Meltdown! Chugging Vodka After
Breakup with Sam!” (And who says subtlety is a lost art?) According
to onlookers, Linds fell off the sober wagon in a big way, crying and
dook, dook, dooking a bottle of vodka late last night at LA’s h.wood
club. Happily, she reportedly began to slow down a bit as the night
wore on, mixing her vodka with diet soda—because, you
know… she’s so fat—and was eventually able to text again. (Good
for you, L! As we always say, “Just take it one text at a time.”)
However, we still remain unconvinced that she recognizes the severity
of her breakup with Sam. When paps from the X17 gossip site asked her
about getting kicked to the curb, Linds responded, “You make it seem
like it’s over—it’s not. People take breaks… it’s
okay… it’s normal… focus on themselves.” Ummmm… think the bottle
of Grey Goose told her that? MEANWHILE… In somewhat related
news, it was a huge day for fans of the gay rights movement, when
Vermont legislators overruled Republican governor Jim Douglas’
veto of a bill that now allows gays and lesbians to legally
marry. “What’s that? What did you just say? Samantha wants to marry
me?” asked a jubilant Lindsay Lohan. “See? I knew it! I told you we
were just taking a break! Samantha, I don’t care if it’s in Vermont or
any of those tiny states where they like gay people—the answer is
Yes, YES, a thousand times YES!!!”

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 8 After figuring out she would not be able
to marry Samantha Ronson in Vermont, Lindsay Lohan needed to
talk to someone—so why not Us Weekly? (Hey…
cheaper than a therapist.) In an article titled, “I Am So
Alone”—again, subtle—Lindsay spoke at length with the
tab about the horrific events of 4/3, and how even the people she once
treated like shit now refused to speak with her. “Everyone’s turned on
me,” she blubbered, recounting that night at the Chateau Marmont when
Nicole Richie walked by her and said, and we quote,
“UCK!” Things got even worse when Drea de Matteo got
right up in LiLo’s face and said, “Come at me, bitch!” This must
be especially galling since no one even knows who Drea de Matteo is.
“I’m a fucking 22-year-old girl who’s in love,” Lindy told Us.
“I felt like I was in Mean Girls, but worse—Mean
Girls was a MOVIE.” See that? The ability to distinguish real life
from a movie is a major breakthrough. Nice work, Us
Weekly! (Now can you please explain why our mother is such a
bitch?)

THURSDAY, APRIL 9 Today Lindsay Lohan took the tiniest of
baby steps to get her floundering movie career back on track, and had a
nuclear device dropped on her for her trouble. When the New York
Times asked former Fleetwood Mac singer Stevie Nicks what
she thought about LiLo’s attempts to buy the singer’s life story, and
portray her in a movie, Nicks’ reaction was succinct. “Over
my dead body,” she snapped. “[Lindsay] needs to stop doing drugs
and get a grip. Then maybe we’ll talk.” OUCH. That’s just as bad as
Mean Girls—except Mean Girls is a movie, and Stevie
Nicks is like The Golden Girls if they were all former cocaine
addicts.

FRIDAY, APRIL 10 Phew. Now that Lindsay’s break-up drama is
finally over, maybe we can talk about a somewhat less ridiculous
topic: PIRATES! Yes, they still exist—and they aren’t the
prancing, huggable, Johnny Depp kind, but Somali teenagers with
automatic weapons! Earlier this week, pirates seized the cargo ship
Maersk Alabama off the coast of Somalia. Captain Richard
Phillips bravely (but stupidly) surrendered himself to save his
crew—and when the pirates abandoned ship for one of the
Alabama‘s covered lifeboats, they took Phillips with them!
Reacting in a typically understated manner, the United States
Navy sent the destroyer USS Bainbridge to the scene. “The
result was tragicomic: the world’s most powerful navy vs. a
lifeboat,” the New York Times noted. Calling their fellow
pirates via satellite phone (“Will you accept the charges?” “Arrgh!”),
the pirates ordered reinforcements… who, wisely, didn’t show up.

SATURDAY, APRIL 11 “We are safe and we are not afraid of the
Americans. We will defend ourselves if attacked,” a Somali
spokespirate growled at Reuters via satellite phone. He then
cheerfully fed a Saltine cracker to the parrot on his shoulder, which
added, “Skwawk! Defend ourselves if attacked! Tragicomic result!
Skwawk!” MEANWHILE…. “SOUTH PARK MURDERED ME LAST NIGHT
AND IT’S PRETTY FUNNY. IT HURTS MY FEELINGS BUT WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT
FROM SOUTH PARK! I ACTUALLY HAVE BEEN WORKING ON MY EGO THOUGH…
IT’S COOL TO TALK SHIT WHEN YOU’RE RAPPING BUT NOT IN REAL LIFE. WHEN YOU MEET LITTLE WAYNE IN PERSON HE’S THE NICEST GUY FOR
EXAMPLE…” rambled Kanye West on his blog after an episode of
South Park skewered him. Kanye went on to whine, “AS LONG AS
PEOPLE THINK I ACT LIKE A BITCH THIS TYPE OF SHIT WILL HAPPEN TO ME”
and “I’M SURE THE WRITERS AT SOUTH PARK ARE REALLY NICE PEOPLE IN REAL
LIFE.” Then everyone stopped reading his boring blog and turned on CNN
to see what Blackbeard & Co. were up to. Set your TiVo to record
next week’s South Park, which will viciously mock Kanye’s
inability to locate the “caps lock” key.

SUNDAY, APRIL 12 BAM! BAM! BAM! Take that, pirates!
“It took only three remarkable shots,” the New York Times reported, “one each by snipers firing from a distance at dusk, using
night-vision scopes…. Within minutes, rescuers slid down ropes from
the Bainbridge, climbed aboard the lifeboat and found the three
pirates dead. They then untied Captain Phillips, ending the
contretemps at sea that had riveted much of the world’s
attention.” Okay, so we don’t even know what “contretemps”
means—we think it’s some sort of birth control?—but
hooray for America, boo for pirates, etc. OH, AND… Samantha
Ronson already has a new girlfriend! SamRo was seen with “somewhat
of a Lindsay look-alike, but with very dark hair” at a party on
Friday night, according to the Chicago Sun-Times—which
added that woman matching that description was “seen coming out of
Ronson’s Los Angeles home” this morning! MEANWHILE… Reports
indicate that a crazed Lindsay Lohan, inexplicably wearing an
eye patch, is currently harassing customers at a Los
Angeles-area Red Lobster. More on this news as it develops.