MONDAY, JULY 20 It’s gonna be another crazy week for gossip and
news—so let’s start off with a Lindsay Lohan palate
cleanser, shall we? According to the Daily Mail,
on-again-off-again-on-again lovers LiLo and Samantha Ronson have
once again entered full battle mode. Just this morning, Lindsay waged a
pre-dawn strike, loudly pounding on the door of Sam’s Hollyweird home
(poor neighbors!), after learning that the lesborific DJ had spent the
night partying with Sopranos actress Drea de Matteo.
After allowing the jealous lover inside (always a bad move, Sam),
Lindsay quickly took the offensive, loudly calling SamRo “a liar,”
which led to the couple exchanging a barrage of screaming
obscenities (poor, poor neighbors). Eventually, SamRo had no choice
but to drive the invader from her home by launching a major
counter-attack (i.e., throwing a bag of Lindsay’s clothes into the
street). Unable to resist her desire for trampy miniskirts, Lindsay
followed her clothing outside, at which point Sam slammed and locked
the door. Lindsay left, vowing to finish the battle at a later date,
while the Red Cross gave aid and moral support to the sleep-deprived,
battle-ravaged neighbors. In times of war, it’s always the innocent
bystanders who suffer most. MEANWHILE… Keeping with today’s
“love is a battlefield” motif, R&B singer Chris Brown issued
a two-minute video apology for his brutal attack on girlfriend/singer
Rihanna. However, he has yet to apologize for the shirt he wore
in the apology video, which makes him look like a chef at Chang’s
Mongolian Grill.

TUESDAY, JULY 21 Here’s some interesting new information we learned
today: A black man in America is not welcome to express his
opinion—especially if he’s the president. Let’s back it up: Last
week black Harvard scholar Henry Louis Gates Jr. was arrested
inside his home after staunchly refusing to show the police his
identification. (Charges were later dropped.) When asked about the
incident, President Barack Obama (also a black man, or so we’re
told) responded, “I think it’s fair to say, (1) any of us would be
pretty angry. (2) That the Cambridge police acted stupidly in
arresting somebody when there was already proof that they were in their
own home….” ACTIVATE… SHITSTORM! The Cambridge police
quickly replied that they were “deeply pained” by the president’s
criticism (who knew that people who carry guns were so sensitive?),
while the usual cadre of honky nutbags (read: the GOP) demanded that
the president apologize for offering his asked-for opinion. Instead,
the president turned on the charm, admitted he “ratcheted up” the controversy with his comments, and invited the arresting officer
and Gates to the White House for a conciliatory beer. Time will tell if
the officer asks the president to provide identification.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 22 Hey guys! Michael Jackson’s nose is
missing! According to the always sensitive and subtle New York
Post, the King of Pop’s prosthetic nose (which he apparently wore
to hide the ill effects of multiple plastic surgeries) has been
misplaced, stolen… or something? Actually, the report is unclear as
to what might’ve happened, probably because the real point of the story
is this: “Hey guys! Michael Jackson’s nose is missing!”
MEANWHILE… Jackson’s personal physician Conrad Murray had a rath-er rude awakening today when federal drug agents and members
of the Los Angeles Police Department raided his office.
According to ABC News, Murray’s lawyer Ed Chernoff said the agents had
a warrant “to search for and seize items, including documents, they
believed constituted evidence of the offence of manslaughter.”
Though Murray vociferously denies any wrongdoing, he is suspected to
have illegally administered Propofol (a strong anesthesia) to
Jackson on the day he died. It remains unclear whether Murray is also
suspected of lifting Jackson’s nose.

THURSDAY, JULY 23 There are certain gossip stories one tries to
ignore—for example, anything that involves bottom-tier celebs
such as Kim Kardashian. They are simply not worth the effort.
However, there is something about Kate and Jon Gosselin (of the
TLC show Jon & Kate Plus 8) that keeps rising to the top of
our pail of curdled cream. Here’s the backstory for those who came in
late: Jon’s a baby; Kate’s a bitch… end of backstory. And while Kate
may have been the more famous of the two, now that Jon is “a free man,”
he’s suddenly joined the bottom-feeder celeb club by hanging out with
Lindsay’s dad Michael Lohan(?!) and dating the reporter
covering him from Star magazine(!?). Trust us
when we say, THIS IS GOING TO END BADLY. Maybe not “Britney”
badly… but there’s always hope, right? MEANWHILE… Scientology and Stepford Wives poster girl Katie Holmes appeared on tonight’s episode of So You Think You Can
Dance to perform a lip-synched song/dance rendition of Judy
Garland’s “Get Happy.” While her performance was proclaimed “Ehhhhh” by
most critics, there was one reviewer who was a notable exception. “By
the four moons of Thalagar, I give it nine tentacles up… WAAAY UP!”
beamed Emperor Klaktu of the Rigel VII system. “Holmes’ stellar
performance was electrifying, perfectly capturing the essence of Judy
Garland. (And I should know, because I have Garland’s actual essence
imprisoned in a jelly jar on my bedside table!)”

FRIDAY, JULY 24 The hits just keep on coming for the recently dumped
Jessica Simpson. Today Us magazine reported that former
boytoy Tony Romo (the Dallas Cowboy quarterback, not the rib
shop/restaurant for the morbidly obese) posted the following
instructions in the security shack outside his gated community in
Dallas: “RED ALERT!!! TONY ROMO HAS MADE SOME CHANGES TO HIS
LIST OF PEOPLE ALLOWED IN… JESSICA IS NO LONGER ON THE LIST AND NOT APPROVED FOR ACCESS.” Okay… first of all: Lay off the
cap key, Tony. Secondly, members of al-Qaida deserve a “RED ALERT!!!,”
not someone who thinks “Chicken of the Sea” is made of actual chicken.
Thirdly, you’re a puss. MEANWHILE… Think Portland’s mayor
has a credibility problem? Then by all means move to New Jersey!
Today 44 people including three mayors, a bunch of
elected officials, and (wait for it) even some RABBIS were
arrested on corruption charges that involved laundering tens of
millions of dollars and the black market trafficking of fake Gucci
handbags and (again, wait for it) HUMAN KIDNEYS. Even more
surprising? For New Jersey, this is kind of “business as usual,” since
the state has seen over 130 of their public officials arrested on
corruption charges since 2001. Mayor Sam Adams, you need to step up
your game, sir. (Seriously, is it going to kill you to traffic the
occasional kidney?)

SATURDAY, JULY 25 In a week of startling stories, this one
clearly takes the cake: Mega Hollyweird power couple Brad Pitt
and Angelina Jolie were spotted today… in the drive through at
McDonald’s! OMG! CELEBRITIES: THEY ARE SO LIKE US! (In that
they fall prey to the malevolent whims of advertising, as well as
suffering from an overwhelming addiction to MSG and transfats. Other
than that, they’re kinda different.)

SUNDAY, JULY 26 Today former GOP vice president wannabe/annoying
harpy Sarah Palin officially gave up her Alaska
governorship—but she wouldn’t leave without imparting a few
bitchy and confusing swipes at the media. “So how about in honor of the
American soldier, you quit making up things,” Palin blathered.
“And don’t underestimate the wisdom of the people. And one other
thing for the media—our new governor has a very nice family, too,
so leave his kids alone.” Now personally, we don’t think new Alaska
Governor Sean Parnell has much to worry about from the
godforsaken media, because he probably isn’t going to abandon his
state in the middle of his first term to chase fame, political
opportunity, and book deals. So Sarah, in closing, if we promise not to
underestimate the people’s wisdom (gag), we’d like you—in honor
of the American soldier—to not let the door smack your skinny ass
on the way out. Mm-kay? Mm-kay.