MONDAY, JULY 27 We’re starting this week off with two VERY troubling
news items, so which would you like to hear first: A story about
George Clooney’s new “arm harlot,” or a woman shoving pork
products into her vaheena while Kanye West watches? Hmm… we
thought you might say that. ITEM #1! In NYC this weekend, a
bunch of performance artists paid tribute to Kanye West’s latest
album, 808s & Heartbreaks by reinterpreting his
work—and guess who surprised everyone by showing up? Kanye
West, you guys! However, since these are performance
artists, Kanye got a little more performance than he bargained for.
Here’s what happened courtesy of MTV News: “The evening became tense
and uncomfortable when notorious (and buck-naked) performance
artist Ann Liv Young confronted Kanye personally, shouting that
she didn’t think 808s was his best work, all the while
grinding barbequed pork into her naked crotch (and then eating
it). To Kanye’s credit, he barely flinched.” To his credit? How can
anyone think of ANYTHING when we know that Hollyweird’s most charming
dreamboat George Clooney is tramping around Italy with a brand-new
tramp? (Activate segue.) ITEM #2! In a move that would make even
the most self-obsessed rap star ignore a woman shoving pork into her
nethers, George Clooney has taken on a new (admittedly gorgeous)
trollop, Italian model/actress Elisabetta Canalis. Where have
you seen her before? Absolutely nowhere, unless you count her
small role in Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo, hosting Italian
MTV’s Total Request Live, and… hold on a minute… a swimsuit
calendar hanging in Hubby Kip’s workshop?!? Et tu, Brute? Et
tu?? (That’s Latin for “Your pork’s not getting anywhere near my
vaheena.”)
TUESDAY, JULY 28 More potential trouble for Conrad Murray,
the personal physician of the late Michael Jackson: The doctor
has admitted to administering the powerful anesthesia Propofol to the singer on the day he died. And, according to TMZ, sources add
that Jackson’s vitals were not being monitored at the time (a
big no-no in the medical community), and that Murray may have even
fallen asleep after administering the drug, waking to find the
King of Pop dead from heart failure. Murray’s lawyers are disputing the
claims, yet just to be safe, are checking on the quickest and cheapest
flights out of the country. MEANWHILE… More trouble for former
pop star Jessica Simpson! When asked by TMZ if she planned on
taking back the expensive boat she purchased for ex-boyfriend Tony
Romo, she replied, “I’m not an Indian giver.” Whoopsy!
Unsurprisingly, Simpson’s use of such stereotypical language has
offended some Native American groups. To her credit, she was quick to
issue an apology, and as restitution, offered the group some
hand-quilted blankets, asking, “Do y’all want small pox with that?”
WEDNESDAY, JULY 29 For those who nominated “Jessica Simpson Makes
Verbal Gaffe” in 2009’s “Most Unsurprising Headline of the Year”
contest—maybe you should have waited for this one: “Amy
Winehouse Stole Cocaine from Kate Moss’ Handbag.” Blabbermouth Brit
Blake Fielder-Civil (who also just happens to be Amy’s scorned
ex-hubby) shot his mouth off to the Daily Mail, dishing that Amy
allegedly lifted Kate’s coke during a party at NYC’s Gramercy Park
Hotel. “Kate had told Amy to get a $10 note out of her handbag to
snort lines with,” Fielder-Civil claimed. “But Amy told me she
found two grammes of cocaine in there—so she nicked
them.” Fielder-Civil noted that Moss apparently never noticed the
missing booger-sugar, adding, “[Amy and I] did some in the toilets
and had sex, but we did the rest in front of everyone.” EWW! Did
you have to include the “had sex” part? And is it going to kill you
people to visit a dentist once in a while? EWW!
THURSDAY, JULY 30 Today President Obama had a
conciliatory beer with Cambridge Police Sergeant James Crowley (who’s white) and Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. (who’s
black) in an attempt to smooth ruffled feathers following Gates’ arrest
in his home last week. Crowley was investigating a potential break-in
at Gates’ residence, and when the professor refused to show
identification, he was arrested—which later led to Obama saying
that the police “acted stupidly,” which in turn led to a national
shit-storm of epic proportions. Admitting his words had “ratcheted
up” the controversy, Obama invited the men to the White House today to
share a beer and conversation with himself and Veep Joe
Biden. And while Gates and Crowley did not agree on the events that
spawned the original confrontation, in the end, both men felt it was
best to move forward. In addition, Vice President Biden didn’t get
drunk or say anything outrageous or offensive. So… we guess we can
chalk that up as another good day for America!
FRIDAY, JULY 31 Where’s Sarah Palin? NOBODY KNOWS! Today
marks the five-day anniversary of Palin’s bizarre resignation as
Alaska’s governor—and the Twat-happy pol has vanished
without a trace, ignoring both her Twitter page and Facebook profile!
“Internet fans are dying to know what’s next,” the Associated Press
reports, noting panicked Palin supporters are posting depressing,
poorly punctuated sentiments like, “Sarah can you give us just a
hint!,” “Sarah, our country really NEEDS YOU NOW!!!,” and, most
pathetically, “Is there any way you could somehow let us know you’re
reading this? Maybe a little tweet sometime when you get your Twitter
up again.” IN MORE GOOD NEWS… Today Italy approved the use of
abortion pill RU-486, despite the Catholic Church‘s
anachronistic, misogynistic, superstitious-rific opposition. Always
eager to defy common sense, the Vatican promised to
excommunicate all doctors who prescribe the pill and all women who use
it. In related news, we’d like to take this opportunity to invite
Pope Benedict XVI to suck it.
SATURDAY, AUGUST 1 Today’s most depressing bit of news? That’d be
Ryan O’Neal admitting to hitting on his daughter,
Tatum… at Farrah Fawcett‘s funeral. O’Neal told
Vanity Fair, “I had just put the casket in the hearse and I was
watching it drive away when a beautiful blonde woman comes up
and embraces me. I said to her, ‘You have a drink on you? You have a
car?’ She said, ‘Daddy, it’s me—Tatum!’ I was just trying
to be funny with a strange Swedish woman, and it’s my daughter. It’s so
sick.” When asked for her take, Tatum was distressingly blasé.
“That’s our relationship in a nutshell,” she told Vanity Fair,
sighing with resignation. “You make of it what you will.” All together
now: shudder.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 2 “[That’s a] totally fabricated story,” said Ina
Treciokas, better known as Katie Holmes‘ joy-killing rep.
Speaking to E!, Treciokas shot down the rumor that Holmes would appear
in the sequel to the Sex and the City movie, where she
would reportedly play “a high-powered businesswoman ready to go toe to
toe with Kim Cattrall‘s Samantha Jones.” While we aren’t too
busted up over the news, some Sex and the City fans are quite
upset. “OUTRAGEOUS!” bellowed Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII.
“CURSE YOU TO THE THOUSANDTH LEVEL OF DENOBULAN HADES, INA TRECIOKAS!
CURSE YOU FOR DASHING MY HOPES AND DESTROYING MY DREAMS!” After taking
a drag off his Andorian hookah, Klaktu calmed down. “I offer my
apologies,” he grumbled. “It’s just… if I could only pick one person
to join Samantha, Miranda, Charlotte, and
Carrie… well, it’d be Katie, y’know? She’d really give those
sassy ladies a run for their money! And then maybe Tom could
meet up with Mr. Big! And I know this sounds crazy, but maybe
John Travolta could come by, and it could be sort of a
Battlefield Earth thing, with the evil Psychlos trying to
take over Manhattan, but all Carrie would be worried
about—naturally!—would be if she’s wearing the right pair
of Jil Sander stilettos for the invasion! I mean, c’mon! At least it’d
be better than that Lipstick Jungle crap.”