MONDAY, AUGUST 24 The following is not a rhetorical question: Is
there a God? If indeed there is a God, then how could He stand idly
by, callously allowing the continuation of such utter horror and
hardship in the world? Example: the Hollyweird burgling spree that has victimized both Lindsay Lohan and Audrina
Patridge (that donkey-toothed gal from The Hills). As
briefly reported last week, Lindsay had just returned from not embarrassing herself as a guest judge on Project Runway, when
she discovered her Hollyweird Hills home had been unceremoniously
burgled and ransacked. According to publicist Leslie Sloane
Zelnick, many of LiLo’s “personal belongings were
taken—without remorse.” (Talk about being omniscient! How do
publicists know these things?) Even more shocking? Security camera
footage shows an eerie resemblance between LiLo’s
thieves—a young man and two women—and the burglar and
burglarettes who recently robbed the home of the dentally challenged
Audrina Patridge. While the LAPD is undoubtedly spending night and day
in search of these bandits, Lindsay is doing a little crime cracking of
her own—via Twatter! “I know it was not a ROBBERY,”
twatted the underwearless Sherlock Holmes. “Electronics weren’t
taken… just things a certain old friend knew meant a lot to
me.” Ahhh… see what she’s doing there? By sneakily dropping in the
phrase “old friend,” Lindsay is surreptitiously trying to make the
mastermind expose him/herself! Like for example… YOU Samantha
Ronson! Or YOU Paris Hilton! Or YOU Brandon “Firecrotch”
Davis! Tell you what… Lindsay’s going to cut out the lights, and
count to 10. If her sex toys and underpants aren’t returned to their
rightful place (which is to say, in the general vicinity of her
vaheena) there’s going to be hell to pay!!

TUESDAY, AUGUST 25 Rest in peace Senator Teddy Kennedy, who
succumbed to brain cancer today at the age of 77. A tireless
advocate for civil rights, and most recently health care, Senator
Kennedy leaves behind a remarkable body of legislation as well as a
reputation for encouraging and achieving bipartisanship under the most
difficult circumstances. “It’s huge that he’s absent [from the health
care debates],” said former presidential candidate John McCain in regard to Kennedy’s failing health over the last few months. “[If he
were here] I think the health care reform might be in a very
different place today.” To say “he will be missed” is a gross
understatement. MEANWHILE… Pop singer and part-time woman
beater Chris Brown was sentenced today to five years probation,
a year of domestic-abuse counseling, and 1,400 hours of “hard
labor” service (including graffiti removal and washing cars) for
assaulting girlfriend/singer Rihanna. He has also been ordered
to stay away from his former flame for five years, until his probation
period has ended. But for those of you who are concerned that Brown may
have sunk into a bottomless pit of depression after receiving this
sentence—fear not! Brown was spotted later on this evening at
West Hollywood’s Guys and Dolls club, singing and dancing on a
tabletop to Michael Jackson’s “Dirty Diana.” (Perhaps the judge can
amend Brown’s five-year sentence to include “staying away from
Rihanna… and everyone else in the world, while he’s at it.”)

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 26 Another sad loss—this time for the
literary scene. Famed crime author, Vanity Fair contributor, and
raconteur Dominick Dunne passed away today from cancer at
the age of 83. MEANWHILE… Just when you’ve managed to convince
yourself that maybe, just maybe America’s torture of terror
suspects started and stopped with waterboarding, a secret CIA
report reveals just the opposite. The 109-page report, released by
the Justice Department, details a litany of stomach-turning
abuses against suspects inside overseas CIA prisons. According to
the New York Times, these abuses “included suggestions about
sexually assaulting members of a detainee’s family, staging
mock executions, intimidation with a handgun and power
drill, and blowing cigar and cigarette smoke into prisoners’ faces
to make them vomit.” Oh, and of course there was plenty of
waterboarding as well—but you have to do something to
break up the day, right?

THURSDAY, AUGUST 27 And now it’s time for the latest news from
America’s least relevant art form… the Broadway musical! A key
scene has been dumped from the most recent revival of Broadway’s
classic hit Bye Bye Birdie, now starring Showgirls alum Gina Gershon. According to the New York Daily News,
Gershon plays Rosie, who, in an attempt to forget her boyfriend Albert,
performs a wild, erotic dance with a bunch of horny Shriners.
However, the producers are planning on cutting this particular scene
because, according to Gershon, “It seemed a little too gang
rapey.” Phew! Good to know. So don’t worry, folks! The next time
you’re in NYC, be sure to catch the hit revival Bye Bye Birdie:
now with 25 percent less “gang rape-iness!”

FRIDAY, AUGUST 28 Brace yourselves, ladies: That hussy Emily Blunt has conned an engagement ring out of the dreamy John Krasinski! You probably know John from his charming role as “Jim” on The Office, and you probably know Emily from her wooden
attempts at scene-stealing in The Devil Wears Prada. Well,
Emily, kudos to you, you talentless, ham-fisted skank. Somehow, you’ve
snagged one of the very few available, non-moronic, hetero men in
Hollyweird (not to mention one who always has perfectly
tousled hair). We hope you’re pleased with yourself, and we wish
you both all the luck in the world! (Also, confidential to “J.K.”: You
can do better! We can, and will, leave Hubby Kip at any time.
We have a suitcase full of mousse hidden under the bed in the guest
room, packed up and ready to go.)

SATURDAY, AUGUST 29 “We had a track record… of defending
the nation against any further mass casualty attacks from al
Qaeda,” former Vice President Dick Cheney grumbled today on
Fox News. “The approach of the Obama administration should be to come
to those people who were involved in that policy and say, ‘How did you
do it? What were the keys to keeping this country safe over that period
of time?’ Instead… they’re going to go out and investigate the CIA
personnel who carried out those investigations.” (Those CIA
“investigations,” if you’ll recall, consisted of waterboarding,
and also of things like the much-admired Photography 101 course
at Abu Ghraib.) Apparently under the delusion that anyone still cared
what he thought, the diabolical puppetmaster continued his rambling,
adding that the Obama administration’s investigations of the country’s
use of torture were “intensely partisan” and that the whole thing
“offends the hell out of me.” Which reminds us: Can someone
please tell Dick Cheney to die already?

SUNDAY, AUGUST 30 “Actor Macaulay Culkin is the mystery dad
of Michael Jackson’s son Blanket,” Brit rag The Sun gushes, insisting that Culkin—who the late Jackson called
“Mack”—was part of a covert scheme in which Jackson “stockpiled
the ingredients to genetically engineer three ‘perfect’ kids.” Okay, so
let’s break this down: By “ingredients,” it’s safe to assume they mean
“sperm.” And by “sperm,” it’s safe to assume they mean “Macaulay
Culkin’s sperm.” And by “Macaulay Culkin’s sperm,” it’s safe to assume
ugh. EWWW. SHUDDER. Just to skeeve us out even
more, The Sun continued, quoting an anonymous source: “The
Thriller star asked Culkin for the donation to help him complete
his ‘perfect’ family. Really, Jackson idolized him. That’s why he asked
Mack to donate sperm. This isn’t just chitter-chatter, even
Culkin suspects he’s Blanket’s father.” IN RELATED NEWS… We
have never wanted Purell so badly in our entire life.