MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 7 Hello? Are you forgetting that this
is National 9/11 Remembrance Week, when the catchphrase is
“Never Forget“? Well, don’t stress, because you’re not the only
person doing a lot of forgetting lately. There’s also Hubby Kip who blithely forgot our anniversary, and—believe us when we
cryptically say this—he is still paying the price. There’s
also celebrity dreamboat George Clooney, who has apparently
forgotten we exist (even though we deluge him with lipstick-embossed
fan letters and crudely drawn pictures of ourselves stabbing his
girlfriends in the eyes). How do we know he’s forgotten us? Because
according to People magazine, his new relationship with
admittedly gorgeous model/actress/skank/trollop/whore Elisabetta
Canalis is now OFFICIAL. “The day before the premiere of his new
movie,” says this horribly insensitive magazine, “the couple made a
grand arrival at the Venice Film Festival following a water taxi ride
across the city’s lagoon, prompting Italian papers to gush over the
pair as the next Brad and Angelina.” WHAT… THE… FUCK? Oh,
but unfortunately, there’s more. “[George and Elisabetta] have been
inseparable the past three weeks, spending much of their time at
his lakeside villa in Como.” (Eaaaaasy, Ann. Eaaaaasy. Put down the
knife…) The cruel, heartless magazine continues, “Most of their meals
are taken at home, with Clooney’s cook firing up homemade pizzas in
a wood-fire oven and much of their free time spent lounging by the
pool in his secluded garden or on Clooney’s boat.” Boat?? Secluded
garden?? Homemade pizzas? WOOD-FUCKING-FIRE OVEN?!? Why don’t
you just dig your rusty blade a little deeper into my broken heart,
People magazine? It’s bad enough we’ll never have Clooney…
we’ve accepted that. But we’ll damned if that Elisabetta slag
gets our man AND our fucking wood-fucking-fire oven! TODAY is our
new 9/11! WE SHALL NEVER FORGET!

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 8 In news that simultaneously shocked and bored
the entertainment world, it was announced that comedian Ellen
DeGeneres will be taking over Paula Abdul’s seat on
American Idol. It’s expected that DeGeneres will bring a
much-needed sense of humor to the judge’s table—though not the
kind of humor we prefer. We would be much happier if Ellen loaded up on
booze and barbiturates before each show, clapped like a seal, and
occasionally nodded off before being startled awake, confused and
drooling. (In other words… Paula Abdul? WE SHALL NEVER FORGET!)

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 9 Tonight, President Barack
Obama addressed Congress and the nation on the bugaboo subject of
health care reform, and unsurprisingly, knocked it out of the
park. While he may not have put all our fears to rest, Obama
confidently laid out his plan and (hopefully!) hit the brakes on
idiotic rumors being spread by Sarah Palin, the “birthers,”
and… oh. Hello, Representative Joe “You Lie!” Wilson! While
you may be unfamiliar with this hard-line Republican South Carolina
representative, he made a big embarrassing name for himself tonight by
interrupting Obama’s speech by squealing, “You lie!” when the
president denied rumors the government would insure illegal immigrants.
(Just to be clear, Wilson is NOT in favor of insuring illegal
immigrants, just like he was NOT in favor of taking down the racist
Confederate flag flying over the South Carolina statehouse.) And
while Wilson’s outburst was roundly criticized on both sides of the
aisle, that’s not stopping him from trying to make a little money off
his dickish interruption. So far Wilson has garnered a cool
$700,000 from like-minded (which is to say “idiotic redneck
racist”) supporters. Look, if it’s just money he wants, why doesn’t HE
become a judge on American Idol, where they actually appreciate
people who interrupt Simon Cowell?

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 10 Remember Jon Gosselin from the TLC show Jon & Kate Plus Eight? (We thought we told
you to NEVER FORGET!) Jon went on Good Morning America to let
everyone know he now officially “despises” former wife Kate, who
verbally abused him during their marriage, and still keeps his
testicles in a little jelly jar above the fridge. But even worse? Jon
accuses Kate of forcing him to have marriage counseling sessions with the most disgusting human being on the planet: Dr. Phil.
After unwisely agreeing, Jon says that Dr. Phil focused more on “fixing
the image” of their TV show than their marriage. “We talked about the
brand and making the brand work,” Jon said. “It was weird. I was
like, ‘Why am I here? I could be snowboarding.'” Make a mental
note, everybody! Instead of doing anything with Dr. Phil, your
time could be better spent snowboarding. Or for that matter, removing
your toenails with a pair of pliers. NEVER FORGET!

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 11 Eight years after 9/11 (the real one, not our Clooney-specific one), America’s still dealing with
the horrific repercussions of that fateful day…. Charlie
Sheen, for example. Yes, the Two and a Half Men star is
convinced 9/11 was an inside job—and he recently wrote a
fictionalized interview with President Barack Obama to prove it!
Yes: Charlie Sheen pretended to be interviewing the president about
9/11 being a hoax, and he wrote it all down, and he posted it
online. Sheen’s bewildering, 4,300-word-long make-believe
“interview” contains some awe-inspiring moments, such as when the
punctuationally challenged actor barrages Obama with a list of “facts”
that do everything but mention tinfoil hats and black
helicopters, then opens his heart: “Mr. President, I implore you
based on the evidence you now possess, to use your Executive Power.
Prove to us all Sir, that you do, in fact, care.” But Sheen’s crowning
achievement? When he pretends Obama is a “big fan” of Two and a Half
Men. (“I have it Tivo’d on Air Force One,” Sheen imagines Obama
telling him.) To hell with Two and Half Men‘s laugh
track—where’s that pathetic “Awwwwww” sound effect when
you need it?

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 12 Today Taylor Swift won some award or
another at MTV’s Video Music Awards! “I always dreamed about what it
would be like to maybe win one of these,” the adorable Swift gushed in
her acceptance speech. “Thank you so much for giving me a chance to win
a VMA award. I—” Enter Kanye West, who leapt onstage and
grabbed the mic from Swift. “I’m really happy for you, I’m gonna let
you finish,” Kanye shouted. “But Beyoncé had one of the
best videos of all time! ONE OF THE BEST VIDEOS OF ALL TIME!” The
shocked Swift stood silently as the crowd booed West; later, she
explained, “Well, I was standing on stage because I was really excited
because I had just won the award. And then I was really excited because
Kanye West was on stage. And then I wasn’t so excited anymore after
that.” Kanye offered a not particularly apologetic apology on
his blog, and yes, his “caps lock” key still appears to be broken. “I’M
SOOOOO SORRY TO TAYLOR SWIFT AND HER FANS AND HER MOM,” Kanye wrote. “I
SPOKE TO HER MOTHER RIGHT AFTER AND SHE SAID THE SAME THING MY MOTHER
WOULD’VE SAID. SHE IS VERY TALENTED! I LIKE THE LYRICS ABOUT HER BEING
A CHEERLEADER AND SITTING IN THE BLEACHERS…………………….I’M
IN THE WRONG FOR GOING ON STAGE AND TAKING AWAY FROM HER
MOMENT!……………………BEYONCE’S VIDEO WAS THE BEST OF THIS
DECADE! I’M SORY TO MY FANS IF I LET YOU GUYS DOWN!!!! I’M SORRY TO MY
FRIENDS AT MTV. I WILL APOLOGIZE TO TAYLOR 2MRW. WELCOME TO THE REAL
WORLD!!!! EVERYBODY WANNA BOOOOO ME BUT I’M A FAN OF REAL POP
CULTURE!!!” Well put, Kanye. As always.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 13 ABC news reporter Terry Moran used
Twitter to break the Story of the Century™! “Pres. Obama
just called Kanye West a ‘jackass’ for his outburst at VMAs when
Taylor Swift won. Now THAT’S presidential,” twatted Moran. (Alas, ABC
quickly deleted the twat once they discovered Obama’s remark was
intended to be “off the record.”) Psst! Hey, Moran! Think you
can convince Obama to go “off the record” with his actual thoughts
about Two and a Half Men?