WELCOME BACK to One Day at a Time, dears—where, to mark the end of this awful year, we’re continuing our tour of all the good things that happened in 2016! What? There were some!
SUNDAY, MAY 1
Human turd/pop star Justin Bieber (who FINALLY, FINALLY, FINALLY shaved off his culturally appropriated blond dreadlocks) attended his father Jeremy Bieber’s engagement party this weekend in Toronto—aaaaaand it was as eye-rollingly douchey as one would expect. Bieber Senior, dressed in a paisley jacket, white Kangol hat, and undoubtedly soaked in Axe body spray, celebrated at the party with an actual tiger (which Justin sullenly petted), former pro boxer Lennox Lewis (who Justin sullenly posed alongside), and the Batmobile from the original Batman TV show (which Justin sullenly pretended to drive). In sullen Justin’s defense, his father is a walking Entourage: The Complete Series box set who obviously passed down the douche gene to his son. Justin was also really, really, really missing his culturally appropriated dreads! (May they FINALLY, FINALLY, FINALLY rest in peace.)
SUNDAY, MAY 8
Happy Mother’s Day! What follows are two very different Mother’s Day gifts: One from Kanye West to wife Kim Kardashian, and one from ourselves, Ann Romano, to our mother, Patricia “Patty” Franklin. Kanye first: Kim awoke this morning greeted by a beautiful arrangement of pink flowers covering her bedroom bench, and was serenaded by an all-female string ensemble… who performed daughter North West’s favorite songs from Frozen and Annie. “Oh, for the love of fucking Christ, that’d make me wanna drive a goddamn screw into my head,” said our mother Patricia “Patty” Franklin. So what did we give Patty? Just the most luscious piece of gossip ever: “Channing Tatum Brings Magic Mike Live to Las Vegas,” reported a gleeful and moist comingsoon.net. Chatum himself is producing the “360-degree dance and acrobatic strip tease spectacular” which will have a permanent home at the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino starting next spring, and will be based on his nether-dampening flicks Magic Mike and Magic Mike XXL. According to Chatum, “I’m looking forward to spending a lot of time in Las Vegas creating something that will give women what they really want.” How did our mom react to this news? “Sweetie? We’re going to Vegas!”
TUESDAY, JUNE 7
We don’t know why anyone else bothered writing headlines this week, given that People just wrote the best headline in the history of headlines: “Bobby Brown Claims He Had Sex with a Ghost.” Please, do go on! “I bought this mansion in Georgia,” Brown helpfully explained. “This was a really, really spooky place. But yes, one time, I woke up, and yeah, a ghost. I was being mounted by a ghost.” Brown—who later clarified that during his supernatural sexcapade he “wasn’t high” and he “was not trippin’”—went on to discuss other aspects of his life, but sadly, did not offer any more details about getting mounted by a horny ghost. Also, we have no way to end this blurb, because nothing else can possibly equal the fact that Bobby Brown claims he had sex with a ghost.
THURSDAY, JUNE 23
This morning, Democrats ended a 24-hour sit-in on the floor of the House of Representatives designed as a big FUCK YOU to obstructionist Republicans who steadfastly refuse to support what the majority of Americans desperately want: an end to gun violence. Led by 76-year-old Georgia Representative John Lewis—who also participated in the 1965 civil rights march in Selma, Alabama—the unprecedented protest included impassioned speeches from House members who also held up names and pictures of shooting victims. Unsurprisingly, Republicans were unimpressed and attempted to conduct their non-business as usual, and even ordered C-SPAN cameras to be shut off (though this was thwarted by Democrats who live-streamed video from their phones). “I don’t think this should be a very proud moment for democracy,” House Speaker Paul Ryan whined to reporters before adding that Democrats were setting a “dangerous precedent.” After years of willful obstruction from the Republican Congress, that’s a goddamn laugh—and just so Ryan knows, we couldn’t possibly be prouder.
MONDAY, JULY 4
U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! Happy Independence Day, dears! We hope you enjoyed your fireworks, and your creeping realization that America is closer than ever to plummeting forevermore into utter chaos. *salutes flag* *waves sparkler* Anyhoo, let’s see what’s going on in Canada! “A 61-year-old man from Northern Ontario said he was lucky to walk away with only scratches after facing off against a 320-pound black bear with only his fists and the skills gleaned from years of featherweight boxing,” reports the Guardian. “I knew it would swing first with its left but it would really come with its right, because most bears are right-handed,” bear-punching hero Rick Nelson helpfully explained—recalling how, after surprising a black bear and her cub while walking his dog, he “did an underhand and hit it right in the snout,” balancing out the fact that the pissed-off mama bear had already given him “inches-long gashes” on his face and chest. “Believe me, when you’ve got adrenaline pumping, you can hit,” the former featherweight boxer continued. “Even at 61 with gray hair, you can still hit hard.” Nelson’s punch left the bear dazed, until eventually, “snorting blood,” she wandered back into the woods with her cub. In conclusion, Canada—a country where the beautiful Justin Trudeau is prime minister, where they have socialized health care, and where 61-year-old dudes casually beat up bears while walking their dogs—is doing significantly better than America these days. Can-a-da! Can-a-da! Can-a-da!
THURSDAY, JULY 28
Hello, history! Tonight marked a moment for the ages: Hillary Clinton became the first woman in US history to accept a major party nomination for President of the United States. (As Veep Joe Biden once put it, “This is a big fucking deal.”) And while her speech may have not reached the dizzying heights of the Obamas’ message of hope, it was solid: pragmatism mixed with progressivism. The nominee also went on to provide a progressive laundry list of dreams for the future—a nod to Bernie Sanders whose long fight pushed the DNC to move their platform further to the left (where it belongs). But it was Trump’s running mate Mike Pence who made the strongest case yet for getting behind Hillary Clinton with these words spoken today in Grand Rapids, Michigan: “I’m pro-life and I don’t apologize for it,” Pence said. “[Trump and I] will see Roe v. Wade consigned to the ash heap of history.” As Obama and Clinton said this week, “Don’t boo—vote.” [EDITOR’S NOTE: In retrospect, this blurb is… kind of depressing? But only if you remember how this race ended! So before you can do that, let’s move on to the ABSOLUTE best news of 2016!]
MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 5
TAYLOR SWIFT AND TOM HIDDLESTON BROKE UP!!! Ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod finally. FINALLY! How long have we been waiting for this? How many years have we begged for this to happen? How many decades have we suffered? [EDITOR’S NOTE: Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston have only dated for three months.—Ed.] [ANN’S NOTE: Shut up.—Ann.] Anyhoo, where were we? Oh, right! For centuries, our sweet, handsome Tommy Hidds has been throwing away his sweet, handsome life by dating Tay-Tay—and, at long last, this Dark Epoch in Human History has come to a close! But now, of course, we have to know the details! “She was the one to put the brakes on the relationship,” a source gabs to Us. “Tom wanted the relationship to be more public than she was comfortable with. Taylor knew the backlash that comes with public displays of affection, but Tom didn’t listen.” Another insider added, “It was an intense start. No one can keep that kind of momentum going.” Au contraire, insider! We’re VERY confident we could keep that kind of momentum going, and that an Ann/Tom relationship (“Tann”? “Hiddlemano”?) would truly stand the test of time—outlasting the pyramids, the Himalayas, the universe itself. And FWIW, we are VERY comfortable with PDA. (Well, not so much with Hubby Kip. But with Tom Hiddleston? Come on, Taylor.) Of course, there’s only one way to find out for sure—so Tom, give us a call. We’ve sent you our number numerous times, as you and your attorneys are well aware. (Oh, and if someone calling himself “Hubby Kip” picks up? Just tell him to hand us the phone and to go jump off the nearest cliff.)
And THAT was the very last good thing that happened in 2016—and, quite possibly, of all time. Thankfully, one man can fix all this—one man who can stand up, apologize, and undo all the pain and suffering he caused in 2016. We speak, of course, of Tom Hiddleston. We’re still waiting for you to call us, Hiddie! Make 2017 wonderful for us! We’ve earned it, don’t you think? We’ve all earned it.