MONDAY, NOVEMBER 16 For reasons far too complicated to explain,
homophobe and former Miss California USA Carrie Prejean still
staunchly refuses to become a porn star. As reported last week
in One Day, Carrie’s efforts to align herself with the conservative
right blew up in her pretty face after it was revealed that she had
starred in no less than eight vaheena-diddling sex tapes and 30
topless photos (at this point, still a rough estimate). However,
instead of simply allowing Carrie to descend into fiscally bankrupt
humiliation, Vivid Entertainment (a dirty movie company) has
generously offered to buy all of Carrie’s nude work at a price, which
in their words “could certainly earn her millions of dollars.” And yet?
Her answer remains a purse-lipped “no.” But as it turns out, we’re not
the only smarty-pants who thinks this is a great idea. According to
Page Six, multi-kajillionaire (and former Prejean supporter) Donald
Trump “only half-jokingly” advised her to “become a major porn
star, make millions of dollars, and give it to worthy causes.” Hmmm…
we’re not sure about the “worthy causes” part—unless we’re
talking about Basic Rights Oregon and their fight to win
same-sex marriage in 2012 (donate now at basicrights.org). BUT HERE’S THE THING:
Maybe Carrie’s temporarily nixing the deal with Vivid because she’s got
bigger fish to fry—such as starring in a beauty pageant
orgy with Miss Japan 2008 and Miss Trinidad and Tobago 2008, two
Miss Universe contestants who starred in a hardcore three-way sex
tape that also leaked onto the internet this week! If Carrie could
develop her own series called “Pageant Contestants Gone Wild”? Well,
let’s just put it this way: Hubbie Kip would empty our bank
account. And we’d divorce him. (And sadly, he might even think it was
worth it. Cue sad trombone sound.)

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 17 Dear everyone who refuses to read newspapers,
listen to legitimate news sources, and/or have the slightest regard for
facts: Sarah Palin’s new book Going Rogue dropped
today! Aren’t you just ecstatic? In fact, you won’t be able to swing a
dead moose (shot from a hovering helicopter) without hitting one of her
many interviews this week, including a sit down with Oprah, a
five-part interview with Barbara Walters, and even a visit with
Sean Hannity on Fox News (that’s weird). But if you are a
true Palin supporter, then today you were among the thousands
who gathered outside the Grand Rapids, Michigan, Barnes & Noble to
see Palin in all her prissy glory for the kickoff of her book tour. And
let us tell you, those Grand Rapids hillbillies ate up Palin’s folksy
charm like it was Obama’s liver covered in ketchup. “Alaska and
Michigan have so much in common,” Palin told the screaming throng,
“what with the huntin’ and the fishin’ and the hockey moms, and
just the hardworking patriotic Americans who are here.” (Hey! Don’t
forget us hardworking ‘Mericans with steel plates in our heads!)
MEANWHILE… It was announced today that Palin’s
could’ve-been son-in-law Levi Johnston will not be
exposing his hockey stick (that’s “penis,” dears) in his
upcoming nude Playgirl shoot. Why? Because apparently nothing is
sacred. And the world is not just. And there is no God. And because
Carrie Prejean hasn’t offered him $10 million to be videotaped
boning Miss Alaska.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 18 Do you miss those heady days of 2004, when
this column brimmed with deliciously rude scandals unhappily provided
by socialite/hag Paris Hilton? Happily, Paris once again
neglected to keep her nose clean this week, and got into a “knock
down, drag out” with current boytoy du jour Doug “I’m one of
those douchebags from The Hills” Reinhardt.
Though the two lovebirds are voraciously claiming the dust up actually
involved drunken houseguests, a neighbor tells TMZ.com he saw Hilton and Reinhardt in her
driveway engaging in a drunken screaming shoving match, which
ended with police arriving on the scene. Unfortunately, no one was
taken to jail, and no one has a sex tape, because as mentioned earlier,
this is no longer 2004. Boo.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 19 Tonight thousands of tweens and
borderline-depressed middle-aged women groaned and squealed in ecstasy
at the midnight premiere of The Twilight Saga: New
Moon. And according to early Twatter reviews, the fans’
reaction was (wait for it) POSITIVE. “Watched ‘New Moon’ few hours
ago…,” twatted “denniscn23” adding, “omg unbelievably thrilling! Soo
much beta than twilight… sooo tired.” Another twatter opined, “I
lovedddd New Moon! The critics can go die!:)” And who are these
“critics” that would disparage this timeless tale of virgins, vampires,
and shirtless ethnic werewolves? Why none other than (wait for it)
THE VATICAN. “This film is nothing more than a moral vacuum with
a deviant message,” sniffed Monsignor Franco Perazzolo of the
Pontifical Council of Culture, “and as such should be of concern.” For
us, the much larger concern is how we’re going to get Taylor
Lautner to autography our panties. GO TEAM JACOB!

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 20 Certainly you recall Jessica
Simpson—the Saddest Person on Earth™? Well, Jess has
apparently cheered up enough to take on gossip blogger Perez
Hilton! Hilton recently wrote about Simpson’s nephew (the stupidly
named Bronx Mowgli Wentz, son of Ashlee Simpson and
Pete Wentz), noting “It’s been one year since Asslee pushed Bronx Mowgli through her vayjayjay and it’s all the
family is talking about! Poor lil’ thing doesn’t stand a chance!!!”
“Does perez hilton..whatever his name really is..have no heart at all?”
Simpson twatted in retaliation. “Don’t ever attack my family
again.Sad to know u hate so deeply.Sad 4 U.” While it’s great 2
know Simpson has the grammatical acumen of Prince (or a 14-year-old
girl circa 1991), it turns out her Twatter is a goldmine. There
are whimsical Twats: “my mom ash and i are all 8’s in
numerology..fun discovery 🙂.” Bewildering twats: “i have worn
butt pads…lol 🙂.” As well as philosophical twats: “This full
moon is beaming through my window with grace. I am falling asleep
encountering this intense moonlit dream. Thank God it found me.”
Wait—no emoticon on the last one? 🙁

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 21 We’re only a month away from
Christmas—so ’tis the season for even more celebrity jackassery! Case in point: Mariah Carey was asked to
light an English shopping mall’s Christmas lights—but got the
heave ho-ho-ho when mall owners saw her list of demands! According to
the Daily Mail, Carey insisted that she be “surrounded by 20
white kittens and 100 white doves,” “driven by Rolls-Royce
along a pink carpet right to the pink podium where she
[would] wave a wand to turn on the lights,” as well as having
“confetti shaped like butterflies to shower over her at the end.
She has also requested an entourage of 15 along with about 80 security
guards.” Hmm… actually, that’s what Hubby Kip has to line up
everytime we go to Saks. Sorry, we just don’t see that as a biggie.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 22 “Seven bulls being used on the set of a film
starring Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz have broken free in
Spain and injured two people,” says the AP. The film, entitled
Knight & Day (yes, really) is, according to IMDB.com, “an action-comedy centered on a
fugitive couple (Cruise and Diaz).” Huh. Well, we certainly hope
everyone’s oka—”IS TOM ALL RIGHT?” Emperor Klaktu of
Rigel VII screeched when informed of the incident. “WILL THIS
AFFECT THE PSYCH-TRONIC BRAIN-TRAINING OF SURI CRUISE,
THE FUTURE GALAXY’S JUST AND CRUEL TYRANT? WILL IT DELAY THE JULY 2,
2010, RELEASE DATE OF THE SURE-TO-BE DELIGHTFUL KNIGHT &
DAY?!?” As of press time, Emperor Klaktu’s concerns had yet to be
answered. IN RELATED NEWS… Emperor Klaktu and his squadron of
Thangarian starfighters are currently headed at warp 7.8 toward
Spain in order to “PERSONALLY INVESTIGATE THIS ATROCITY!” Updates as
they’re available.