MONDAY, NOVEMBER 23 As you may have noticed last night on the
American Music Awards, openly gay performer (and American Idol runner-up) Adam Lambert performed a sizzling number, which
included grabbing his crotch, flipping off the crowd, and having a
male dancer simulate fellatio on him. But apparently, America is
okay with that. What they were not okay with was when Lambert
grabbed his male keyboardist and gave him a big ol’ smooch on the
lips. Now naturally, conservative groups such as the Liberty
Counsel cried foul, claiming the performance endangered America’s
male youth, and could have possibly turned them from strapping hetero
football stars into flouncing, bewigged Darcelle XV performers.
(But then, it’s the job of right-wingers to act like stuck-up hate
mongers.) However, CBS also proved themselves to be raving
hypocrites in an Early Show interview with Lambert. First
they tried to get Lambert to apologize for the sexually charged
performance (he wouldn’t), and then they blurred out the video of the male kiss in question, while moments later they showed unblurred
and uncensored video of Madonna and Britney Spears’ infamous
same-sex lip lock! A hypocritical double standard? “No!” says Hubby
Kip who has spent years studying “Advanced Penthouse Lesbianism” at the University of Our Bathroom. His summation of the
incident: “C’mon, Ann… when two dudes kiss, it’s just not as hot as
when two sexy lesbos kiss.” Thanks for that startling
sociological observation, Kip. And since you seem to think you already
know so much about this particular subject, how about a new area of
study? We’re sure you won’t mind that we’ve replaced your
Penthouse collection with a year’s subscription to
Honcho (this month featuring “hot & hung blue
collar hunks!”).

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 24 Kip’s an idiot. MEANWHILE… Leave it to
Katie Holmes to ruin The Twilight Saga: New Moon for everyone! Fox News reports that the wife of top Scientology
muckety-muck Tom Cruise attended a New Moon screening
with friends and according to a source, “They talked non-stop about the movie and everything else. Some people wanted to tell them to
be quiet, but when they realized who it was, they stayed silent. No
one wanted to shush Katie.” “THAT’S RIGHT!” bellowed Emperor
Klaktu of Rigel VII via interstellar holo-twitter. “No one
dares shush the birthing receptacle of High Thetan Cruise, and
the mother of future dictator of the universe, Suri! If such a
shush is EVER uttered, I shall use a Thalagarian Planet Vaporizer to
turn your puny earth into a pile of filthy ash, and… wait. Did you
say she interrupted New Moon? Not… not the motorcycle crash
scene where Jacob removes his shirt, right? BY THE SPIKEY
TENTACLES OF MUNDOR! Realign the vaporizer, and destroy that traitor
immediately! (And get Megan Fox on the line… it seems the
royal family has need for a new ‘receptacle.’ Heh, heh, hehhhhhh.)”

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 25 Though we thought the concept was impossible,
an attractive person does not like President Obama. According to
Us Weekly, a friend of Angelina Jolie says the actress
“hates” the president. “She’s into education and rehabilitation
and thinks Obama is all about welfare and handouts. She thinks Obama is
really a socialist in disguise.” “SEE? DO YOU PEOPLE
FINALLY SEE THE TRUTH?” whinnied Jolie’s sworn enemy Jennifer
Aniston. “She hates Obama! Only monsters hate Obama! The kind of
monster that would steal a woman’s husband! Hate her, everybody!
HATE HER!” Ehh… sorry, Jennifer. Angelina was pretty
good in Tomb Raider. MEANWHILE… A Swiss court has
okayed the release of creepy pedophile director Roman Polanski,
after he posted nearly a $4.5 million bond. But don’t think he’s
getting off easy! Polanski will be under house arrest, confined to
his Swiss Alpine resort chalet in Gstaad, and restricted to only
three drugged 13-year-olds per week. (Jeez! Where’s Amnesty
International when you need ’em?)

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 26 Happy Thanksgiving, everybody! We’re
thankful to have smart, gorgeous readers such as yourself, and Hubby
Kip is thankful that we were only joking about using his
Penthouse library to smoke the turkey. (Or were we?) Someone who
is not so thankful? Actress Mackenzie Phillips, who you may
remember made tabloid headlines a couple months back after admitting
she had a lengthy sexual affair with her father John
Phillips of the Mamas and the Papas. As it turns out, weirdly
enough, Mackenzie has been UNinvited to the family’s Thanksgiving
dinner, supposedly because of the embarrassment her claims have
brought upon her relatives. And while we certainly feel sorry for
Mackenzie—we do have to admit her presence could make
Thanksgiving dinner conversation a bit awkward. “Mackenzie, will
you please pass the garlic mashed potatoes?” “You mean the same garlic
mashed potatoes that daddy taught me how to make before he
coerced me into a torrid years-long incestuous relationship? Sure…
want some gravy with that? DADDY’S GRAVY??”

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 27 What the heck is going on with Tiger
Woods? At 2:30 this morning, Tiger drove his Cadillac Escalade away
from his mansion—and into a fire hydrant before
crashing into a neighbor’s tree. Tiger was taken to the hospital
for cuts and bruises on his face; meanwhile, there were reports that
his wife, Elin, used a golf club to shatter one of the SUV’s
windows to get him out. Weird, right? The Florida Highway
Patrol asked to speak with Tiger, but the golfer refused to talk.
Hmmm. Do we detect… a MYSTERY?

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 28 Today Portland’s water supply was
contaminated with E. coli—or, to put it just a tad less delicately, someone probably shat in the water. Westside
Portlanders had to boil their water this weekend; the culprit remains
at large. (In related news, Hubby Kip is unusually tight-lipped
about what he was doing yesterday up by the Washington Park reservoir.)
MEANWHILE… The MYSTERY around Tiger Woods grows ever
more mysterious! Today Tiger refused to talk to police, leaving the
rumor mill to grind away! The juiciest tattle comes from TMZ.com, which claims Tiger did talk to
someone—just not the cops. “We’re told he said his wife
had confronted him about reports that he was seeing another
woman,” TMZ gushes. “The argument got heated and, according to our
source, she scratched his face up. We’re told it was then Woods
beat a hasty retreat for his SUV—but according to our source,
Woods says his wife followed behind with a golf club. As Tiger drove
away, she struck the vehicle several times with the club. We’re
told Woods became ‘distracted,’ thought the vehicle was stopped, and
looked to see what had happened. At that point the SUV hit the fire
hydrant and then hit a tree.” And here we thought golf was boring!

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 29 GASP! The Tiger Woods MYSTERY gets
EVEN MORE MYSTERIOUS! Tiger’s rumored mistress? None other than
famed Las Vegas partygirl Rachel Uchitel, says Ashley
Samson, a woman who claims to be Uchitel’s friend and spilled the
beans to the National Enquirer. Uchitel politely disagreed. “I’m
not friends with Ashley Simpson or whatever her name is,” she
huffed at the Daily News—most likely out of fear of Elin
swinging a pitching wedge at her head. ALSO! Tiger
finally released a statement! “This situation is my fault, and
it’s obviously embarrassing to my family and me. I’m human and I’m not
perfect. I will certainly make sure this doesn’t happen again,” he
wrote, sounding like a pouty fourth-grader being forced to apologize.
“Although I understand there is curiosity, the many false, unfounded,
and malicious rumors that are currently circulating about my family and
me are irresponsible.” Oooh! Did the nasty wumors hurt widdle Tiguh’s
feewings? Is widdle Tiguh going to… PUT DOWN THAT GOLF CLUB!!