MONDAY, AUGUST 13
Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears—which we’re disappointed to say is kicking off with trainwreck tech celeb Elon Musk. Tesla’s CEO and sleepy-eyed poster boy for Portland’s tech bros has been on a tear lately—building unasked-for mini-submarines, calling a heroic Thailand cave diver “pedo guy” for no apparent reason, and sending the stock market spinning by randomly announcing major business decisions on Twitter. Thankfully, rapper Azealia Banks brings balance to this dumb world… but was IMPRISONED IN MUSKY’S MANSION?? “Staying at Elon musks house has been like a real like [sic] episode of Get Out,” Banks wrote on Instagram, explaining that she was invited to spend the weekend at the LA mansion by Grimes, Musk’s musician girlfriend, so the two could collaborate. But according to Banks, Grimes (who is “an idiot”) ghosted on her and spent the weekend “coddling” Elon “for being too stupid to know not to go on Twitter on acid” and leading Banks to suspect she was probably invited to participate in “some weird threesome sex shit.” Banks went on to analyze Musk’s appearance (“thin grey lips,” “froggy eyelids,” and, most importantly, “Pork Skin”), adding, “I wouldn’t give him the credit of calling him an alien. He’s a mutant. His humanoid group emerged/crawled out of the Caucasus cave system 15,000 years after the first Caucasian homo-sapiens did. He’s really a caveman.” THAT’S NOT ALL! After calling out Musk for “white male privilege and colonialism,” Banks summed up her whole ordeal: “Fucking crackers. The last time I try working with a white bitch.” In conclusion, dears, two things: (1) If you invite Azealia Banks over, please make sure there’s plenty for her to do, and (2) If this is, in fact, the plot for Get Out 2? One ticket for Get Out 2, please!
TUESDAY, AUGUST 14
As you might have noticed, America’s currently in the thrall of right-wing Jesus freaks who’ve convinced themselves that Donald Trump is their True Lord and Savior (despite the fact he’s, you know, Donald Trump, and he lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes). Surely, things are going great for America’s Christians, and… and… uh oh. “Bishops and other leaders of the Roman Catholic Church in Pennsylvania covered up child sexual abuse by more than 300 priests over a period of 70 years, persuading victims not to report the abuse and law enforcement not to investigate it,” reports the New York Times, citing the damning findings of a grand jury that identified more than 1,000 victims of the Catholic Church’s long-standing culture of child molestation and rape. “They protected their institution at all costs,” said Attorney General Josh Shapiro. “As the grand jury found, the church showed a complete disdain for the victims.” He added that the cover-up “stretched in some cases all the way up to the Vatican.” Adding insult to injury, the report is unlikely to lead to criminal charges, the NYT notes, “because the statute of limitations has expired.” MEANWHILE, IN HEAVEN… “Okay. You know what? Fuck it,” said God, tossing a beard trimmer and a spare robe into a suitcase as he requested a Lyft. “Lord knows I tried with you assholes, but Jesus fucking Christ. I’m so over it! I’m done. I’m out. Don’t text me. All of you can go fuck yourselves.”
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 15
Today’s scandal in the Trump administration comes courtesy of Omarosa Manigault Newman—the former contestant on The Apprentice who ended up working in Trump’s White House, getting fired, and writing a tell-all book that alleged Trump was recorded using the N-word. Naturally, Trump’s propaganda czar, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, was quick to assure a shaken America that no, the man occupying the White House would never say such a thing. Welllll… except the opposite? In a White House briefing, NBC reporter Kristen Welker asked Sanders, “Can you stand at the podium and guarantee the American people they’ll never hear Donald Trump utter the N-word on a recording, in any context?” Cue every head in the room whipping toward Sanders! “Sanders was placed in a position where, should such a tape emerge, she would be publicly humiliated,” explained New York Magazine. “Indeed, her guarantee would be the coda to the tape, and she would find herself attached permanently to the historical record of the episode. Sanders flinched.” “I can’t guarantee anything,” Sanders stammered. “I can tell you I’ve never heard it.” Oh, okay. So it totally exists, then. Great. MEANWHILE… “God, I can’t get off this plane of existence fast enough!” God muttered to himself, staring out the car window and trying to ignore his Lyft driver’s awkward small talk. “Things haven’t fallen apart this quickly since Lucifer started all his bullshit.”
THURSDAY, AUGUST 16
Today, the glorious queen of soul Aretha Franklin died. She was 76. MEANWHILE… “Yeah, that’s right! I’m taking her with me!” God bellowed out of his Lyft window as Ms. Franklin stepped inside. “You buttholes don’t deserve angels anymore.” MEANWHILE… While the White House desperately tried to quash allegations of a Trump/Apprentice N-word tape, a new eyewitness stepped forward. Magician/entertainer Penn Jillette—who appeared on The Celebrity Apprentice in 2013—was asked by Vulture if he believed such a tape exists. “Oh, yeah,” Jillette confidently responded. “I was in the room.” He then added, “[Trump] would say racially insensitive things that would make me uncomfortable.” MEANWHILE… God’s Lyft screeches up to the curb. “Yes, I’m back!” he snapped. “But just to say one thing: WHY DOES ANYONE NEED A TAPE TO PROVE DONALD TRUMP IS A RACIST?? He orchestrated the Muslim ban, separated immigrant parents from their children, stood up for Nazis after Charlottesville, and was sued in 1973 for refusing to rent housing to Black people! That’s why I came back—to tell you people to wake the fuck up! And also because I thought I left the stove on, but I didn’t, so goodbye!”
FRIDAY, AUGUST 17
Trump’s insane plan to stage a military parade in his honor fell apart today after it was revealed that the spectacle would cost taxpayers an estimated $92 million(!!). While the Pentagon advised him to drop this stupid idea, Trump blamed the parade’s cancellation on the mayor of Washington, DC, for supposedly inflating the cost. “When asked to give us a price,” Trump tweet-squealed, “[the mayor] wanted a number so ridiculously high that I cancelled it.” DC Mayor Muriel Bowser was quick to expose the president’s lies on Twitter, reminding him that the city would have only charged $21.6 million. “It’s pretty clear that the president is upset about the parade,” Mayor Bowser told the Washington Post. “And it appears he didn’t want to take on the Pentagon, so he decided that we were a good target.” In the president’s defense, parades are very expensive! But when Trump and his criminal cronies are ultimately convicted and marched through the streets on their way to prison, we’ll happily pony up the dough.
SATURDAY, AUGUST 18
Darlings! Get ready for your heart to swell, because…Smashing Pumpkins and Smash Mouth are fighting! ABOUT SHREK! (Isn’t that the most ’00s thing you’ve ever heard?) During an Instagram Q&A sesh, when Smashing Pumpkins’ Billy Corgan was asked if he’d ever seen 2001’s Shrek, and he responded, “SP fact: We were offered the end credit song for Shrek 1 but the offer was withdrawn and given to Smash Mouth (who had hit with Monkees song).” This apparently did not sit well with the surviving members of Smash Mouth, who tweeted in response, “Actually we said no [to the offer] and DreamWorks kept calling. We assume multiple bands were asked. If it feeds Billy’s ego to think they were first, let him think that.” OMG! Who’s right and who’s wrong? Call us on our pink Razr flip phone and let’s discuss! Or maybe we should take a MySpace survey? Better yet, let’s forget these guys and download some Avril Lavigne off LimeWire.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 19
And finally, a tale of two movies: Crazy Rich Asians—a film headlined by an Asian cast—rocketed to the top of the box office this weekend, pulling in $25.2 million and making it the biggest opening for a PG-13 romantic comedy in six years. “This shows—once again, with emphasis—that true diversity matters,” producer Brad Simpson told the New York Times. “Audiences are tired of seeing the same stories with the same characters. We have to give them something different.” MEANWHILE… Billionaire Boys Club—starring Kevin Spacey, who has been accused by more than a dozen men of sexual harassment or assault—had a slightly less impressive opening weekend, making an embarrassing $126 on its opening day. MEANWHILE… “I changed my mind!” God said, pulling up in yet another Lyft. “I felt sorry for you guys, so I’m leaving Aretha Franklin and taking Kevin Spacey instead. Doesn’t look like you’ll miss him.”