MONDAY, OCTOBER 31 Hope you brought your appetite, because One Day at a Time is here with a Chinese-style buffet of juicy gossip (no MSG)! NEWS FLASH! Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie almost mauled to death by a grizzly; bear later apologizes for failing to finish the job to our satisfaction. According to the National Enquirer, Brangelina got the fright of their pampered lives after stumbling upon two angry grizzlies that had broken into the couple’s cozy Canadian hideaway. “Brad was convinced he had surprised burglars but suddenly came upon these two bears,” said a local snoop. “It seems the animals had been attracted by food smells wafting from a kitchen window Brad had left ajar.” Unfortunately for the world at large, a park ranger came along to shoo the animals away before they had a chance to rip Brad and Angelina’s genetically superior faces to shreds. Sorry, Jennifer Aniston! Looks like your most clever scheme to date has been foiled! MEANWHILE… As reported last week in One Day, professional layabout Kevin Federline’s efforts to record his first CD has been met with howls of laughter from his own wife, Britney Spears, and now? THE WORLD. Internet snoops leaked one of K.Fed’s rap tunes—appropriately entitled “Y’all Ain’t Ready”— to an unsuspecting populace who seem to agree with Britney that Kevin should return to what he does best… playing videogames and sucking Cheetos dust off his fingers.
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 1 Speaking of worthless human beings who shouldn’t be allowed to breath the same oxygen as the rest of us, Paris Hilton’s new boy-toy Stavros Niarchos showed his true colors tonight by humiliating a homeless person. According to Us Weekly, the wealthy Niarchos had been clubbing at LA’s posh Element, when he and his posse stopped off for a late-night snack at Burger King. “Stavros offered a homeless man outside $100 to dump a soda on himself,” said an aghast source. The desperate man agreed to the asshole’s terms, “and everyone laughed.” Hope it was funny, Niarchos! Because you’re going to hear a very similar laugh when you’re roasting in the hottest lake of fire in hell. MEANWHILE…Rapper/actor 50 Cent has taken a poke at Kanye West for his remarks about President Bush’s bungles following Hurricane Katrina. During a September telethon, Kanye hopped off the teleprompter to proclaim that “George Bush doesn’t care about black people.” In an interview with ContactMusic.com, 50 responded to the allegation saying, “I don’t know where that came from. The New Orleans disaster was meant to happen. It was an act of God.” Well, there you have it, folks. God hates black people.
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 2 Creepy (but not necessarily surprising) news today from the Washington Post: The CIA has allegedly been hiding and interrogating top-ranked al-Qaida captives at a hidden prison in Eastern Europe—which is just one of a series of prisons existing in eight countries. Until now, the prisons have been kept secret from the public, nearly all members of Congress, and especially from human rights groups. Virtually nothing is known about the operation of these sites, including who and how many are detained, and what methods of interrogation are being employed. US officials have refused to confirm or deny the report, and while there is no proof that these unknown prisoners are being tortured, red flags were raised last month after Vice President Dick Cheney and CIA Director Porter J. Goss asked Congress to exempt CIA employees from laws barring cruel and degrading treatment of prisoners in US custody—WHICH WE’RE AGAINST. (Unless of course, the CIA wants to take a crack at Kevin Federline and Paris Hilton’s asshole boyfriend. There are always exceptions to the rule.)
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 3 You know, while those Canadian bears may have failed to properly maul Brad and Angelina (see Monday), it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t invite them into our homes and blow dry their hair. Take the case of Coos Bay residents Rocky and Jonathan Perkett who adopted a baby bear found in the woods, treated it like a member of their family and summarily had the cub taken away from them by a cruel and thoughtless state government. “We lived with [the bear]. We loved her. We treated her like a daughter,” said Rocky, adding that the brothers shared pizza and Dr. Pepper with the bear, blow-dried her hair, and even slept in the same bed. (Mmmm… most “daughters” don’t share beds with grown males… but then most daughters aren’t capable of ripping a man’s face off, either.) “The law says you can’t hold wild animals in any way,” says Oregon Wildlife Administrator (and MEANIE) Ron Anglin. However, the Perkett boys plan on taking their gripe to court! “Everything they done here was unlegal,” Rocky malapropped. “Since it’s all unlegal, I hope they will bring her back. The only thing we did wrong was love one another.” Actually, giving a bear Dr. Pepper is really wrong, too.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 4 Heart-throbby actor George Clooney was NOT involved in a shoving match with a security guard outside a bar in London’s West End early this morning—no matter WHAT you think. According to his publicist, “He DID get into an argument with someone… And while it had nothing to do with the paparazzi, it did have everything to do with someone being unkind to a woman.” UNKIND TO A WOMAN? The scoundrel. The publicist says that NO knuckle sandwiches were unwrapped, but Clooney did tell “the person to KNOCK it off.” “I won’t stand by while someone is being insulted and maligned,” Clooney explained. So what exactly happened? Mmm, mum’s the word. Clooney reportedly left the event with ex-girlfriend Lisa Snowdon. (Hello! Reconciliation City!) Redbus, the company distributing Clooney’s movie Good Night, and Good Luck in Britain, said: “This is a storm in a teacup. [Isn’t that cute? They think Americans won’t know the word “tempest.”] George had traveled a long way for the premiere, and everyone was thrilled to see him and had a good time.” Again, no real information there. But we heard the altercation involved a tire iron, a butt plug, and a goat. Or something to that effect. (Hey, you gave us nothing… )
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 5 Another news flash from the wild-animal attack desk! Okay. This one is more victim focused. But still. Roy (of Siegfried and Roy) hobbled out on stage at an Ozark resort (Vegas was booked?) to promote a protégé’s show. It’s been two years and one month since Roy’s neck ran into a white tiger, and left the magician partially paralyzed. “We will be back,” Roy told reporters. “I will make sure of that, because I am making a remarkable recovery. The doctors have assured me I will be better than new.” Roy limped on stage with a black cane, his crooked Bob Dole arm flapping at his side. His words were slurred at times, and he was helped off stage in a wheelchair. Personally we think that this whole blame-the-tiger thing is just a ploy to cover-up a really bad Botox job.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 6 Well, apparently Paris (not Hilton) is burning to the ground. Ten officers were wounded today and urban unrest continued to spread as the immigrant community in Paris and the city’s suburbs vented a tiny bit of anger. As of today, rioters had burned more than 3,300 vehicles (how do you think they keep track of that tally exactly?) and destroyed dozens of public buildings and private businesses. The riots were touched off by the accidental electrocution of two teenage boys (one of Mauritanian origin and the other Tunisian) as they hid from police. The police deny they were chasing the boys. George Clooney’s publicist has no comment on the matter, so who knows what we’re supposed to believe. But it sounds like a real shit tempest.