MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 10 “Oh, my God! I looked like a fat pig!
I looked like a fat pig!” No, that wasn’t our initial reaction to
our wedding photos—that was Britney Spears last night
after witnessing a playback of her performance on the MTV Video
Music Awards. As lovingly described last week, Britney shambled
through her opening number like a partially nude zombie on
Vicodin (except most zombies wouldn’t have chosen a sparkly
bra/panty set over the less-revealing corset MTV provided). But how
could a performance heralded to be Britney’s “comeback” go so
horribly wrong? Here are the theories: According to E! News, her
planned act with magician Criss Angel went south when producers
proclaimed it to be “too complicated,” forcing her to come up with a
FAR less interesting dance number. Then her managers purportedly nixed
Britney’s idea of actually singing instead of lip-syncing.
(We’re with the managers on this one.) Then, immediately prior to going
on stage, Britney’s heel broke. And then she had a “bad reaction
to the eye drops she’d been using to help her allergies.” OH, FOR THE
LOVE OF GOD, SHUT UP ALREADY. The only explanations we’re willing to
accept are from people who hate Britney’s guts (i.e., the only people
one can really trust). Such as the New York Post, who reports
that Britney showed up to rehearsal four hours late and with a
frozen margarita in her hand. (Now that’s more like it.)
Or that Britney was too out of shape to perform some of the
dance moves. Or that her abs had to be “spray-painted on.” Or
according to one random blogger who had a friend on the scene, she was
hopped up on cocaine. Now, this one we don’t believe. Why?
Because, last time we checked, cocaine makes one (a) more attractive,
and (b) move FASTER, not slower. At least that’s been our experience.
Gotta go! ZOOOOM!

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 11 Today is 9/11, and America is
still in mourning over a day that will live in infamy—naturally,
we’re still talking about Sunday’s MTV Video Music Awards. After
shaking our heads in disbelief following Britney’s attack of
lip-syncing lethargy, we were immediately blindsided by a second
attack—occurring when Kid Rock’s fist smashed into
Tommy Lee’s face, after an argument ensued over Pamela
Anderson’s twin towers. (Look. We know we’re bad. But it’s a
disease, okay? We can’t help ourselves.) The bitch fight started
during a performance by Alicia Keys—who always makes us
want to hit someone—after Kid Rock (who was also married to
Anderson for a short time) saw Pammy sitting on Tommy’s well-endowed
lap. Tommy wrote about what happened next on his unintentionally
hilarious blog, saying, “I get a tap on the shoulder from Kid
Pebble… I stand up and embrace him with a semi hug and say ‘Hey
dude… What up’?? He punches me in the face… well, if ya
wanna call it that!? More like a bitch slap! [Anyway] I go to knock
this jealous country bumpkin the f$%k OUT… and before I can
have a meeting with my fist and his ugly ass mug, security guards grab
me and haul my ass outta the award show!” Sigh. Where is
Osama bin Laden when you need him?

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 12 More awards show madness! Now it’s
comedienne Kathy Griffin who has tickled the fragile gag-reflex
of America’s moral naysayers. After winning the “Outstanding Reality
Program” award at the Creative Arts Emmys for her show My Life
on the D-List, Griffin poked fun at her peers for thanking Christ
in their acceptance speeches. “Can you believe this shit? A lot
of people come up here and thank Jesus for this award,” she said
to the live audience. “I want you to know that no one had less to do
with this award than Jesus… So all I can say is, ‘Suck it,
Jesus. This award is my God now!'” Now that is an awards
speech. If she’s going to hell, we’re going too.
MEANWHILE… Portland Trail Blazer Greg Oden broke his knee, or something. He plays basketball, right?

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 13 With Lindsay Lohan still hiding
out in rehab, and our zeal for teasing Britney Spears wearing
thin, we’re ecstatic over the news that acquitted murderer O.J.
Simpson is not only back in the news, but he’s back in jail on
charges of… armed robbery?! Here’s the sordid tale: Apparently
some memorabilia collectors had come into possession of a few of
O.J.’s belongings—including family photos and pictures of
murdered ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson—and were keeping
them in a hotel room at the Palace Station Casino in Vegas. According
to Simpson, he and some friends set up a “sting” to get the
belongings back, where his cohorts would pose as buyers. When the
objects were revealed, Simpson would rush in and say, “Ah-HA!” Unfortunately, this infallible plan went wrong quickly, and one of
Simpson’s cohorts pulled a gun (hence the charges of “armed
robbery”) and the 60-year-old O.J. has been arrested once more. So what
do you say, gang? Shall we get the band back together? Let’s get
Judge Ito on the line!

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 14 Fearing her dreadful performance at the
Video Music Awards will cause her to lose custody of her
children (though beating an SUV with an umbrella and showing her
va-heena in public also may have something to do with it), Britney
Spears allegedly called an emergency meeting with ex-hubby Kevin
Federline to offer a “multi-million dollar ‘cash-for-kids’
deal to get joint custody of her sons,” according to News of the
World. “She knows she will not win full custody,” says a supposed
close friend. “So she has decided to reach a compromise with
Kevin where she will have most custody.” Britney, c’mon. Why offer
millions of dollars when this hillbilly will take a bag of Cheetos and
a used copy of Maxim magazine?

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 15 “We have to prepare for the worst, and
the worst is war,” threatened France’s foreign minister, Bernard
Kouchner. The minister was talking about the possibility of Iran
getting nuclear weapons, and noted that an Iran with nukes would
be “a real danger for the whole world.” When informed of the
possibility of France bringing its fearsome military might down upon
them, Iran immediately halted its nuclear program, apologized
profusely, and—oh, wait. Never mind. Sorry. Iran actually
laughed. (Isn’t France adorable? Now that Tony Blair is gone,
here’s guessing France will be America’s next eager-to-please,
ill-advised, and largely useless ally!) Expect Iran to have at least
one nuke, and possibly many more, by year’s end. And you might want to
take that romantic getaway to Paris sooner rather than later.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 16 Capping off what has been an excellent
week, Britney Spears has been banned from hip Hollywood hangout
the Chateau Marmont. The reason? According to the New York Post,
Britney’s latest faux pas was “smearing a plate of
high-priced cuisine all over her face and grossing out the other
patrons.” (Wow. Just… wow. We thought maybe the snooty folks at the
Chateau—kisses, Pierre!—might just be overreacting, but
smearing food all over one’s face isn’t exactly good behavior, even in
the Britta’s home state of Louisiana, where they have yet to invent
utensils.) The Post continues, quoting a surely reliable
anonymous source: “The diners were disgusted. You wouldn’t
expect that from a teenager in a fast-food joint.” Alas, Britney’s
handlers will have to seek out other dining options for her, a task
that grows more difficult by the week: Chateau Marmont joins a long
list of upscale eateries that have banned Britney, including Olive
Garden, Sizzler, Red Lobster, T.G.I. Fridays, Applebee’s, Chili’s,
Burger King, Taco Bell, Jack in the Box, Del Taco, the candy aisle at
Safeway, and that one super-creepy 7-Eleven in North Hollywood where
that really short, lazy-eyed clerk licks his lips at you whenever you
buy condoms.