MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 17 Possibly the most frightening headline a
gossip whore may ever read: “Hit Ordered on Kevin Federline?” According to the always reliable, and never hyperbolic (sarcasm)
Entertainment Tonight, the show has “several reliable sources
that say the FBI and the LAPD are investigating legitimate leads on
a contract hit” on K.Fed. Not to brag, but we grew up on
Nancy Drew mysteries, and consider ourselves pretty astute when
it comes to the detecting of crimes. Therefore the first question we’d
ask is, “Who would like to see Kevin Federline dead?” The next
question we’d ask is “Who would like to see Kevin Federline maimed and
tortured?” That second question automatically raises the number of
suspects from two billion to… wait, what’s the population of the
earth? MEANWHILE… When not dodging a ninja assassin,
K.Fed has been in court with ex-wifey Britney trying to decide
who is the least appalling parent. Currently they have a 50/50
custody agreement—however, that could change now that Brit is
being ordered by a judge “to undergo [random twice-a-week]
testing for the use of controlled substances and alcohol.”
The judge also decided the couple must “engage in joint co-parenting
counseling” and (here’s the best part!) Britney and Kevin are
“restrained from making derogatory remarks about the other
party.” See, that’s why Britney is going to be okay—because an
assassin’s bullet can’t be legally defined as a derogatory remark, now
can it?

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 18 While Britney always makes for good
copy, it became pretty apparent this week that she wasn’t going to
provide the media frenzy to which we’ve become accustomed. Thank
god then for the return of O.J. Simpson—who hopped up off
the gossip bench and took the tabloid field by storm to win (kill?)
another one for the Gipper. It was a big week for the Juice, who was
arrested last Sunday after participating in an alleged armed
robbery to recoup some “stolen” sports memorabilia. Though he
claims it was a “sting” that he set up to get back his stolen stuff,
the judge didn’t quite see it that way, charging Simpson with five
felony counts, including suspicion of assault, kidnapping, and
robbery with a deadly weapon. If convicted he faces LIFE IN
PRISON. Ohhhh, wouldn’t that be rich? After a couple days in jail,
Simpson was eventually released on $125,000 bail—and
that’s when we got the media frenzy we so richly deserved!
Outside the courthouse, alongside the expected swarm of cameras, people
were selling T-shirts proclaiming, “Get Arrested in Vegas, Stay in
Vegas,” a man ran around in a chicken suit, and even former O.J.
prosecutor Marcia Clark was on hand… reporting for
Entertainment Tonight? And you said she’d never work in this
town again.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 19 If the internet can thank one thing
for its success, that would be PORN—especially porny pix of
celebrities. From Paris Hilton’s sex tape to the flashed
va-heenas of Britney and Lindsay, to bushy Disney
newcomer Vanessa Hudgens, the internet has proven itself to be a
bastion of celebrity genitalia and kink. Today the internet went
bazonkers thanks to some leaked photos of boxing champ Oscar De La
Hoya allegedly cavorting around in panties, fishnets, and
heels. While the De La Hoya camp is calling the pictures “a really
bad Photoshop job,” the exotic dancer who supposedly took the pix
(allegedly at Philadelphia’s Ritz-Carlton Hotel back in May) insists
they’re real. (NOTE TO SELF: Burn all photos of Hubby Kip from
Halloween 2002. Hmmm… where did those fishnets and pumps
disappear to?)

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 20 The small and primarily honky town of
Jena, Louisiana didn’t know what hit them today when tens of
thousands of black Americans arrived to protest the judicial
treatment of six local black teens. The teens stand accused of
assaulting a white schoolmate in December, after three white students
decorated a tree at the high school with lynching nooses.
Prosecutors originally charged “the Jena Six” (as they came to be
called) with second-degree attempted murder and conspiracy. The
students who hung the nooses were briefly suspended, but were otherwise
not punished. “I came because enough is enough,” said Jena Six
protester Doug Martin. “I am tired of the way the courts have
been treating African Americans historically.” IN A SOMEWHAT
RELATED STORY… On his nationally syndicated radio program,
conservative chucklehead Bill O’Reilly was discussing his recent
dinner with Reverend Al Sharpton at a restaurant in Harlem named
Sylvia’s. Here’s what he had to say about his experience eating at a
restaurant owned and populated by black people. “I couldn’t get over
the fact that there was no difference between Sylvia’s
restaurant and any other restaurant in New York City,” O’Reilly opined.
“I mean, it was exactly the same, even though it’s run by
blacks, primarily black patronship.” He then sagely added, “There
wasn’t one person in Sylvia’s who was screaming, ‘M-fer, I want more
iced tea.‘” See, America? We CAN all get along.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 21 Today Britney Spears was charged
with misdemeanor counts of hit and run and driving without a
license. According to the Associated Press, last month paparazzi
caught Britney “steering her car into another vehicle as she
tried to turn into a spot in a Studio City parking lot. After assessing
the damage to her own car only,” Spears walked away, and police later
discovered that Britney doesn’t even have a driver’s license.
(Okay, first things first: Why didn’t we hear about this last month?!
C’mon, people! If the Britta so much as sticks gum underneath a movie
theater seat, we need to know. STAT! ASAP! Etc.) Anyway, here’s
the good part: If convicted of the charges, Britney could face up to
six months in jail. So let’s see… Paris Hilton has done
time, Nicole Richie has done time, Lindsay Lohan is still
in that creepy Mormon rehab center (which we might as well count
as prison)…. Yes. If Britney goes to jail, that would just about
complete the set. Fingers crossed, everybody!

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 22 God, we are so stupid! Turns
out we’ve been wrong all along about Iraq being a catastrophic mess!
Everything’s fine! Phew. Earlier this week, Major General
Rick Lynch, commander of the Army’s Third Infantry Division,
cleared everything up for us. “All I’m seeing when I watch TV,” Lynch
told reporters, “is the bad news and not the good news. I
believe Americans, if they knew everything, would be supporting the
mission.” He added that there’s a “filter” that the media
uses to keep American people from being “informed properly” about how
great everything is going in Iraq. So just FYI: No more need to worry
about the ever-escalating death count, the road mines, the bombings,
the ineptitude of the Iraqi government, or the continued ill will
that’s vehemently wished upon us by every thinking person on the
planet. Now that’s a relief.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 23 Today Bon Jovi guitarist Richie
Sambora went to rehab. Correct, loyal One Day
readers—usually, reporting on a 48-year-old burned-out
has-been butt rocker going to rehab wouldn’t even pop up on our
radar. But pay close attention: Sambora’s rehabilitation facility of
choice? Cirque Lodge. Sound familiar? No? Okay… Cirque Lodge
in Utah. Eh? No? Okay… Cirque Lodge in Utah… which is
run by creeeeepy Mormons… and is also currently the home of…
yes! Yes! You got it! Lindsay Lohan. You heard it here first,
dear readers: Love connection. MEANWHILE… Today
the US military accused Iran of sending missiles to
anti-American forces in Iraq, possibly creating an alliance between
Iran and Iraqi insurgents, and possibly leading to oh, we don’t
know, World War III or something. According to Major General
Rick Lynch, however, everything’s totally cool.