MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 24 It’s time again to play, “One Day at a
Time’s Despot of the Week”—can you guess who he is? He’s a
Scorpio who also happens to be a Holocaust revisionist and
perpetrator of unintentionally hilarious jokes about
homosexuals—that’s right, it’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the
president of Iran! And today this bloody dictator (and dead ringer for
Jake Gyllenhaal) visited Columbia University to speak to
students on the importance of staying in school, how Israelis
persecute Palestinians, and using nuclear technology for energy
rather than sending their enemies to hell in a fiery radioactive
blast. Oh! And another fun fact: Do you know how many gay
people there are in Iran? ZERO! According to Ahmadinejad,
not a single Iranian in the history of the world has ever experienced
the sweet taste of their own gender’s genitalia. (Apparently, there are
no Iranian college dorm rooms.) Yet for some weird reason, when
Ahmadinejad related this factoid, the Columbia crowd erupted in
gales of laughter. “In Iran we do not have this
phenomenon,” he said. “I do not know who has told you we have it.”
Well, we heard about it from the Human Rights Watch, which says Iran
tortures gays while inflicting strict laws that punish
homosexuality with the death penalty. And we also noticed that… well,
come on. Ahmadinejad really does look like Jake Gyllenhaal. What are we
supposed to think?

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 25 Here are two wildly different things
one never wants to hear about: (1) George Clooney getting in a
motorcycle accident, and (2) a Meg White (from the White
Stripes) sex tape. According to our Hubby Kip, there’s a
“sex video” circulating around the internet today that supposedly
features indierock drummer Meg White. Is that random or what? It’s like
“Oh, I was just surfing the web, and ran across a video of someone
boning that guy from Mr. Belvedere.” GIVE US LINDSAY
LOHAN, OR PARIS, OR SOMEONE WE ACTUALLY WANT TO SEE HAVING
SEX OR FORGET ABOUT IT, OKAY? (Naturally, we’re only speaking for
ourselves, and not Hubby Kip. He asked that we mention that. What a
boob.) MEANWHILE… In far more horrifying news,
Hollyweird’s most gorgeous man, George Clooney was in a motorcycle
accident! Wait… what’s that? Oh, yeah. There was some girl with him, too. But no one cares about her. What we’re most gravely
concerned about is George, right? Is he okay? And most importantly,
did he scratch his beautiful face?? Happily for everyone in the
world who loves smoky eyes and a rakishly disarming smile, George only
acquired a hairline rib fracture, and slight case of road rash.
(Confidential to George: We have some salve on hand, which we
are ready and willing to apply.) Hmm? What’s that? Oh… yeah. The
bitch on back broke her foot. Anyway don’t forget, George! SALVE!

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 26 Another reason why Meg White is no Lindsay Lohan: because Lindsay doesn’t need a fake sex
tape to get the world’s attention. She just holes herself up in a
Mormon rehab for two months, and the headlines pop up like zits
on the hindquarters of a teenager. For example, the Canterbury
Institute (offering a “MEDICAL treatment for addiction”) is trying
to woo Lindsay away from her current home at the Cirque Lodge rehab
center in Utah with a full page ad in the New York Post screaming, “DON’T DIE LINDSAY!” Now some people might call this
a ploy that cheapens the real and serious problems faced by those with
addictions, but we call it a great way to get celebs to drop by for a
visit. HEY LINDSAY! WE HAVE COCAINE! (Not really, but we’d like
some.) MEANWHILE… Speaking of cocaine (that we don’t
have, but would really like, if you have a bag or two handy), former
Jackass jackass Steve-O announced on Howard Stern’s
radio show that Lindsay had absconded with a bag of his “Boog
Suge,” after she “forgot her wallet in his bathroom and came back
to get it.” Perhaps he should take out an ad that says, “DON’T STEAL
BOOG SUGE, LINDSAY!” Otherwise, stop complaining.
MEANWHILE… A British heiress is filing for a
divorce from her ugly rock singer hubby because he supposedly
slept with LiLo while the two were rehabbing at the Cirque Lodge in
Utah. The rock star (who you’ve never heard of, so why bother) claims
the two are simply friends who share a common addiction—however,
another report claims that he was overheard bragging in a bar,
“C’mon, it’s Lindsay Lohan! Hell yes! Wouldn’t you [bone her]?” Look
for our newest ad in the New York Post, “HAVE THIS DOUCHEBAG
ASSASSINATED, LINDSAY!”

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 27 It has been the bloodiest day of
protests yet for the anti-government demonstrators in Myanmar (AKA
Burma), after soldiers gunned down at least nine people. Worse still,
after local monks joined the protests, truckloads of soldiers in riot
gear raided Buddhist monasteries in the area—beating and
arresting the inhabitants as well as defacing shrines and stealing
gold. The government has quite a reputation for dealing harshly
with protests; in 1988 troops murdered as many as 3,000
pro-democracy protestors. Perhaps Iranian president Mahmoud
Ahmadinejad has a funny joke about that, too.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 28 So, how much do you make? That’s
interesting. Anyway, it’s nothing compared to what Oprah
Winfrey makes! Last year, Oprah made $260 million. But she
was only one of the entertainers on Forbes magazine’s list of
top-earning celebrities, with a huge number of utterly untalented
people making more money last year than you or I will ever see in our
entire lives. Dr. Phil and Judge Judy? $30 million each.
Tyra Banks? $18 million. Ryan Seacrest makes $14 million,
and George Lopez—yes, George Lopez—makes $26
million. We’d make a joke, but that last fact is just too depressing.
Hubby Kip, fetch us a glass of that pinot? Quickly, now, dear.
Actually, just bring us the bottle.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMER 29 There’s only one inscrutable fact
throughout the universe: Richard Gere ruins lives. Remember when
Gere planted an unwanted kiss on Bollywood actress Shilpa
Shetty? Hard-line Hindus criticized Shetty and Gere of violating
India’s anti-obscenity laws, while Gere laughed them off, claiming the
kiss wasn’t that big of a deal. Well, tell that to Shilpa Shetty,
life-ruiner! Five months later, Shetty’s still feeling the
effects of Gere’s forced tongue-wrangling, as she was arrested
at a Mumbai airport for those pesky obscenity charges. Eventually, yes,
she was released—but not without the knowledge that she’ll be a
pariah for the rest of her life. Richard Gere, meanwhile, could
not be reached for comment—he was too busy flying wherever he
wanted, blabbing about Buddhism, making terrible movies, and ruining
other people’s lives.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 30 Okay, sorry: There are two inscrutable facts in the universe. Number two? Tom Cruise kills.
Earlier this week, David Hans Schmidt, age 47, was found dead in
his Phoenix home. An apparent suicide, Schmidt’s death would be
unextraordinary… if it weren’t for the fact that he’d recently tried
to extort over $1 million from Cruise in exchange for stolen
wedding photos of Tom and his child bride, Katie Holmes. The
only logical conclusion? Cruise put in a hololink call to Emperor
Klaktu of Rigel VII, who ordered Scientology’svast army of
invisible xenomorphs to brutally kill Schmidt and make it look
like a suicide. When reached for comment, Emperor Klaktu was less than
forthcoming. “I… errr… do not know of what you speak,” he said, his
14 eyes flitting back and forth nervously.