MONDAY, OCTOBER 8 Before you accuse us of having “feelings”
or even worse, “a soul,” rest assured that no one likes making fun of
Britney Spears’ woes more than ourselves. However, there are
also times when we root for the Britta, such as when we read headlines
such as this: “Did Britney Beat K.Fed?” Oh!
It’s like a beautiful dream, isn’t it? Naturally we’re totally, solidly
AGAINST domestic violence—but even we have to admit the image of
Britney punching that hillbilly right in the scrabble bag fills
us with unmitigated joy. And if K.Fed were then to be later discovered
cowering in a corner? HEAVEN. Anyway, from Life & Style weekly, here’s the story: An “insider” is claiming that K.Fed was hit
by Britney “several times during their marriage” and this was
the reason Kevin asked the judge to ban her from using corporal
punishment on the kids. (We are also against beating
kids—unless, of course, they get mouthy.) However, after hearing
the rumor, Britney’s camp fired back, claiming, “This is just another
attempt to make Britney look like a bad mom.” We think it’s an
attempt to make Britney look awesome—and it worked!
MEANWHILE… The presumably rehabbed Lindsay Lohan has given her first in-depth post-rehab interview (inexplicably
to In Touch Weekly) in which she somberly noted that “there are
some things I can do to make changes and grow up. I want to act like
a woman instead of a teenager. I just want to apologize to any of
my fans that look up to me—especially my younger fans, for
setting examples that…” Oh, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH! Can we please get a
SNORE? Look, LiLo. Unless you’re kidnapping minors,
beating Paris Hilton in the face, or flashing your firecrotch, close
your mouth until you have something interesting to share. NEXT!

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 9 It was an ugly day for the
holier-than-thou institution of matrimony, when one Hollyweird
couple went splitsville, while another tied the “not.” Unemployed actor
Ryan Phillippe and working actor Reese Witherspoon have
finally addressed the writing on the wall, and their seven-year-old
marriage is now officially kaput. While custody of their two
children has yet to be decided, the judge will probably split the kids’
time three ways: between Ryan, Reese, and Reese’s chin. That’s
called a “burn,” Reese. Need some salve? MEANWHILE… in
icky nuptial news, Pamela Anderson has gone and married #3 in her continuing series of douchebaggy slimeballs, Rick
Salomon—who One Day readers will remember as the owner of the
penis in Paris Hilton’s famous sex tape One Night in
Paris. You will also recall that Pammy previously married and
subsequently divorced tattooed idiot Tommy Lee as well as
hillbilly dickhole Kid Rock. And if your stomach isn’t already
turning, listen to this: At her Las Vegas wedding to Salomon, Anderson
wore a white Valentino mini-skirt—signifying she’s even
less of a virgin now than in her last two marriages. Pammy, YOU’RE
BURNT! (Reese, can you pass the salve?)

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 10 See, the problem with mini-skirt
wedding dresses is that they allow too much easy access to pre-nuptial
goodies. How do we know? PAMELA ANDERSON IS ALREADY PREGNANT! According to that bastion of knowledge, In Touch Weekly, Pammy
has already been impregnated with the skanky sperm of that swarthy
skunk, Rick Salomon—and we’re sorry, but some people just
should NOT have babies. But do they listen to OUR advice? Of course
not. These people are only interested in populating the world with more
effed-up Lindsay Lohans. For example, guess who announced he’s a
proud new papa? Career drunk NICK NOLTE. How would you like to
pop out of the womb and see that wild-haired mug? Or the newly
impregnated Halle Berry? As long as the kid never looks at her
IMDB.com profile, she should be fine.
And last, but certainly not least, there’s Jennifer Lopez, who
is not only pregnant, but expecting TWINS (so that’s what she’s
been hiding in her booty all these years).

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 11 Britney Spears showed up in
court today for an “emergency” hearing in which she informed the
judge (a) she had passed two drug tests, (b) she now has a
valid—that is, not imaginary—drivers license, and
(c) it’s been nearly 24 hours since she last flashed her va-heena in
public… so could she please have her kids back? The
judge took her recent accomplishments into consideration—for oh,
about two seconds before saying, “No.” We’re telling you,
Britney, bashing K.Fed in his big stupid face is your ticket back to
respectability!

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 12 Today Al Gore won the Nobel
Peace Prize for his efforts to tell people exactly how screwed we
are thanks to global warming. (For those of you who dozed off during
An Inconvenient Truth: really, really screwed.)
Meanwhile, George W. Bush—who, just as a reminder, was the
president we got instead of Gore—continues to be… well,
George W. Bush. How’s that working out for us? Well, let’s see what
retired Lt. Gen. Ricardo S. Sanchez, the former top American
commander, said today in Washington! Noting that America is “living
a nightmare with no end in sight,” Sanchez also said that Bush’s
war plan was “catastrophically flawed” and that there has been “a
glaring and unfortunate display of incompetent strategic leadership
within our national leaders.” In summation: Al Gore, winner of the
Nobel Peace Prize, could have been our president right now. That is
all.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 13 While the Democrats haven’t been so
great when it comes to stopping the President Bush “Juggernaut of
Terror Tour,” at least they know one basic truth: Always get your
shots before attending a NASCAR race. Fearing the crowds
that populate such events, Democratic House staffers attending a North
Carolina stock-car race earlier this week were inoculated against
hepatitis A, hepatitis B, tetanus,
diphtheria, and influenza. NASCAR was less than pleased.
“No one has suggested that fans get any—or need any—shots
at all,” said NASCAR spokesman Ramsey Poston, bristling at the
unspoken (though totally legit) suggestion that NASCAR events are
populated exclusively by inbreeding, disease-carrying
hillbillies. Poston then took a deep puff on his corncob pipe,
absentmindedly scratched at his tetanus infection, and languidly
blinked his jaundiced, hepatitis-covered eyes.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 14 Ever since Freddie Hicks PROMISED
us in the back of his cherry red ’78 Dodge Charger that the pull-out
method “totally worked,” we’ve known never to trust
teenagers. And yet? Every once in while—when they stop
speaking the hiphop and playing their Halo MP3 text message
games—they say something pretty smart. According to a
recent study conducted for the book UnChristian: What a New
Generation Really Thinks About Christianity, the vast majority of
people ages 16-29 see Christians as homophobic,
judgmental, and hypocritical. Ninety-one percent of young
non-Christians feel that Christianity has an “anti-gay image,” 87 percent say it’s a judgmental faith, and 85 percent say it’s
hypocritical. (Even young Christians who were polled didn’t seem
too fond of their faith—80 percent of young churchgoers think
Christianity has a homophobic image, 52 percent feel it’s judgmental,
and 47 percent think the religion is hypocritical.) In other words: Way
to put down your MySpace High School Musicals for five minutes
and realize some basic truths about Jesus freaks, teens! (Also, take it
from your Auntie Ann: The pull-out method is unreliable. At best.)