MONDAY, OCTOBER 15 Ellen DeGeneres: PUPPY MURDERER? While many consider Ellen to be America’s Most Beloved Lesbian™,
that assumption took a huge hit today when she tearfully confessed on
her daytime talk show that her actions caused a puppy to be
confiscated by a rescue shelter. Here’s the sordid story:
Apparently Ellen and her hot live-in GF Portia de Rossi went
through the long, involved process of adopting a puppy (Named
“Iggy“—get it? “Iggy Pup?” UGGHH!!) from a local
rescue shelter. However, after getting the pup home, they quickly
realized that Iggy was “too energetic for their household.” Not
realizing that rescue shelters have long, involved adoption procedures
FOR A REASON (protecting the welfare of the dog), Ellen gave Iggy
away to the first available party, her hairdresser on the show.
Unsurprisingly, the rescue shelter went to the hairdresser’s house and
re-rescued Iggy—which led to Ellen’s mental collapse on
national TV. “I’m begging [the rescue shelter] to give that dog back to
that family,” she wailed. “It’s not their fault! It’s my fault. I
shouldn’t have given the dog away!” No shit, lesbian Sherlock. To
make matters worse, Ellen’s televised breakdown activated America’s
trailer park set, who responded to the rescue shelter with angry calls,
and even death threats. Happily for everyone involved, the
situation soon resolved itself when Iggy was sent to a new, APPROVED
home, and even better? Ellen was so distraught that she cancelled two
entire episodes of her lousy show. See? Everyone wins!

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 16 Halloween may be just around the corner,
but democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama just received
the scare of his life: He is related to Vice President Dick
Cheney. (Insert blood-curdling scream here.) According to reports,
the Veep’s wife Lynne Cheney made the startling discovery while
researching genealogical records, learning that Obama is eighth cousins
with the smirking minion of Satan. If Obama wins the election (which is
practically an impossibility now that this terrible news has arrived),
expect a very awkward family reunion. MEANWHILE… Is Lindsay Lohan totes broke? (NOTE: “Totes” is gossip
column lingo for “totally” and while it makes little sense, we will be
totes using it from now on.) According to Brit tab News of the
World, LiLo has checked out of rehab, and straight into a world of
financial hurt. Says another of the tab’s oh-so-reliable “sources,” not
only has Lindsay blown untold millions on expensive hotel stays,
most of the money has gone straight inside her petite nostrils. “She
still thinks nothing of blowing thousands of dollars on a single night
of partying,” says this source. “And the amount she has wasted
putting cocaine up her nose is disgusting.” If you’d like to
donate some money to help Lindsay’s deteriorating financial
predicament, please send it to “LiLo’s Totes Disgusting,” care of this
paper.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 17 Speaking of totes disgusting, a rape
allegation has been leveled against famed cheesy magician David
Copperfield. While the specifics of the allegation are still
sketchy at this point, the FBI has raided his Las Vegas
warehouse, which Copperfield has nerdily dubbed “The International
Museum & Library of the Conjuring Arts.” Upon entering the
space, FBI agents discovered “a trove of sports cars, vintage
automatons, gargoyle heads, gadgetry, and an electric chair.”
The agents seized a computer hard drive, digital camera system, and
nearly $2 million in cash. Regardless of the insinuations,
Copperfield’s lawyers are fervently denying the sexual assault charge:
“While my client’s penis may have materialized in her vagina,
the illusion was entirely consensual.”

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 18 Britney Spears just inadvertently
came up with the name of her autobiography: I Can’t Believe This is
Happening: The Britney Spears Story. Just when you think Britney’s
situation can’t get any worse… the hits just keep on coming! For
example: (1) Last weekend Britney hit yet another car, reversing into a paparazzo’s vehicle. (2) Earlier this
week, Britney turned herself in to police on misdemeanor
charges of hit and run, after an earlier incident where she
banged into a parked car and fled the scene without leaving a note. (3)
Yesterday, a judge revoked all of Britney’s child visitation
rights after she failed to answer calls from court-appointed drug
testers. She blames it on “bad cell phone reception.” (4) And
finally, after copping to a hit and run charge earlier in the week,
Britney followed it up today with yet another hit and run. Exiting the parking garage of a Beverly Hills
medical facility (remember this for later), Britney’s car was swarmed
by paparazzi. As she slowly pulled away, the foot of one
of the snappers was caught under the tire, and as he screamed in
agony, Britney covered her mouth in shock and drove away crying. Says a
source to E! Online, the latest developments have had a devastating
effect on Britney. “She’s really upset,” said the source. “She keeps
saying, ‘I can’t believe this is happening.’ It’s like she just
can’t accept what’s happened.” Uhhh… yeah, DUMBASS. That’s what “I
can’t believe this is happening” generally MEANS. Britney’s problems
are bad enough—does she really need stupid sources, too?

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 19 So we’ve been dying to know: Where was
Britney going in such a hurry when she ran over that poor man’s
foot?! Here’s a guess: Maybe she was late to meet with her
court-appointed parenting coach? No, that couldn’t have been it.
“Sources say Britney had a scheduled time to meet the coach yesterday
at her Malibu home. The coach made the trek, but no Britney,” TMZ
reports. And there’s more: “We’re told during the hearing earlier this
week, the coach phoned in and asked… if she could end the home
visits, presumably because they were going nowhere.” (Shocking!)
So the question remains: Why was the Britta in such a hurry? Here’s
another guess, and this one makes way more sense: Maybe she
wanted to hide her new lips? Turns out Brit was leaving a
plastic surgeon’s office when she ran over the paparazzo’s foot, and
she was suspiciously covering her mouth—where what appeared to be
two giant pink sausages were glued to her face. Say what you
will about Britney, but at least she has her priorities.
MEANWHILE… Get this: Paris Hilton wants to be
cryogenically frozen, and Australia’s the Herald Sun quoted her as saying, “My life could be extended by hundreds and
thousands of years.” Fingers crossed, people. Fingers crossed.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 20 Today an imaginary wizard became
the most famous gay person on the planet. Last night at a reading in
New York, a young Harry Potter fan asked author J.K.
Rowling if Albus Dumbledore ever found true love. “Dumbledore is
gay, actually,” Rowling responded, causing the assembled dweebs to
react first with shocked silence, then with cheers. According to
Rowling, the ridiculously named Dumbledore was in love with an even
more ridiculously named wizard, Gellert Grindelwald—and
when Grindelwald turned evil, Dumbledore was “horribly, terribly let
down.” Huh. How about that. Well, anyway—live it up, you sad,
lonely writers of erotic Harry Potter fan fiction! Today is your
day to straighten your inch-thick glasses, wipe the drool from your
“I’ve Got Wood for Luna Lovegood” t-shirts, and proudly
proclaim, “I told you so!” Yes, pervy dweebs—today is your day!
Your only day. Ever. Enjoy it! (Wedgies will resume tomorrow, promptly
at 8 am.)

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 21 Today Britney Spears regained
visitation rights to her children. With all natural laws of logic and
decency so brazenly and bewilderingly defied, the universe promptly exploded.