MONDAY, OCTOBER 22 As 500,000 people fled the San
Diego area today to escape the towering wildfires destroying
everything in their paths, America only wanted to know one thing: How
is that guy who played Frasier? If there’s one thing we learned
from Hurricane Katrina (via President Bush), natural disasters
are only so interesting unless a TV or movie star is in its
direct path. For example, did Hurricane Katrina directly
threaten Tori Spelling’s B&B? No… but Wildfire
Wilhelm did! (By the way, “Wildfire Wilhelm” is copyrighted by One
Day at a Time, though other news organizations may use it if we’re
given ample credit for how brilliant and cute we are.) Did Katrina send
TV’s Frasier (Kelsey Grammar) running for the hills? Or director
James Cameron? Or Olivia Newton-John, or Linda
Ronstadt, Larry Hagman, Jeff Bridges, Mel Brooks, or Bill
Murray? Did Katrina make Sting pause from having tantric sex
to put on a flame-retardant Nehru jacket? No, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, and NO. But Wildfire Wilhelm did—and while it’s not a
competition, Wildfire Wilhelm would totally win, because Katrina is too
chickenshit to show her face in Los Angeles. In fact, not only does
Wildfire Wilhelm have a sizable portion of Hollyweird’s celebs running
for their pampered lives—it almost killed Marie Osmond after her performance on tonight’s Dancing with the
Stars! After performing the samba, the winded Marie fainted,
hitting the deck as Mormons around the globe gasped in horror.
According to her dance partner Jonathan Roberts, “I think [she
fainted] because of her asthma and all the fires here in Malibu that sparked it.” Katrina never interrupted a reality show—unless
you count the one President Bush was watching when all those people
were drowning.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 23 Oh, and speaking of President Bush not liking black people, but loving Frasier— suddenly the
president is super interested in national disasters now that
Wildfire Wilhelm has come along. In fact, the administration has
shifted into “super look-like-we-give-a-crap” mode, going the
extra mile to make sure the citizens of California appear to be getting
all the help they need from the federal government. Not only did Bush
anticipate Governor Schwarzenegger’s request to declare a state
of emergency, by drawing up the necessary pre-approved documents, the
president canceled his planned trip to St. Louis so he could survey the
scene. And instead of waiting an extraordinarily long time to send
top officials to the ravaged area—like during a certain
hurricane we could name—he quickly sent administration
heavyweights to California, to show how seriously they were taking the
situation. Of course, the gesture might have been more believable if
Vice President Dick Cheney had not been seen sleeping through a cabinet briefing on the wildfires—but hey, let’s
give them a break. They’re new at this “caring” thing.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 24 Once accused of “not caring at all”
after botching the Katrina rescue effort, the Federal Emergency
Management Agency (FEMA) has now graduated to “caring too
much”—at least when it comes to their own self-image. After the
agency messed up a public briefing on the California wildfires
by only giving the press 15 minutes notice, the agency didn’t want
America to see an empty press section. So what did they do? They
ordered FEMA employees to sit in the press row, pretend they were
reporters, and ask puffball questions. Unsurprisingly, this
foolproof plan was immediately BUSTED, leaving FEMA officials
with another thick coating of egg on their face. “We can and must do
better, and apologize for this error in judgment,” moaned FEMA Deputy
Administrator Harvey Johnson. Wow! Not only can they pretend to
be journalists, they can also pretend to be apologetic! With this kind
of acting talent, next stop: hosting Saturday Night Live!

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 25 While it’s easy to hate the Bush
administration’s callous nature, it’s just as easy to hate One Day at a
Time for our downright mean attitude toward Ellen DeGeneres and
her predilection for giving away puppies as if she were Africa
lobbing babies at Angelina Jolie. Yes, unlike 98 percent of
America, we believed DeGeneres was WRONG for giving away her
adopted puppy to her hairdresser, and DUMB for bawling about it
on national TV after the animal shelter came by to reclaim it. And as
it turns out? Ninety-eight percent of Americans were WRONG, and we
were 100 percent RIGHT. (As usual.) Not only has it been revealed
through DeGeneres’ own emails that they got rid of the puppy because
“he was just too much energy and time for us in our brand-new
home with so much going on in our lives,” but according to Page
Six, Ellen had given away another dog two
years ago—after only two months of ownership. “She may have had
it for much less time than that,” says Kerri Randles who gave
Ellen the pooch. “I only say two months because that’s when I called to
check on the dog and found out she no longer had it. She acted
like she was keeping it for life.” So it now appears that Ellen has a
habit of giving away dogs—which is probably what happened to
Anne Heche. (Oh no we didn’t!)

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 26 While the utter lack of celebrities is
just one of many reasons this column rarely touches on the subject of
city hall, today was just so priceless we couldn’t resist.
Readers of the Mercury news section already know about the
brouhaha regarding renaming Interstate Avenue in honor of farm
labor leader César Chávez. And therefore you also
know that the ensuing arguments have vaulted Portland’s white
guilt to a hilariously critical level. Well today, when city
council met to discuss a compromise wherein a number of streets would
be considered to bear Chávez’s name, things weren’t going
Mayor Tom Potter’s way and so he had the hissy fit to end all
hissy fits. After blustering that he wasn’t a “voting member of
the council anymore,” Potter passed his gavel to Commissioner Sam
Adams, and before stomping out, declared, “I am irrelevant!” For
once, Mr. Mayor, you’ll get no argument here. Trust us—after a
glass of warm milk, a nap, and an episode of Matlock, you’ll
feel much better.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 27 Did you really think you’d get through
the entire week without hearing one juicy piece of gossip courtesy of
pop trainwreck Britney Spears? Oh, ye of little faith. Brit and
hillbilly ex-hubby Kevin Federline have paid another visit to
the courts to discuss custody rights—and to hear Brit and
K.Fed’s parenting coach report on their progress. (Let’s just
say, as parents go, they are somewhere beneath Brad Pitt and
Angelina Jolie, and above Joan “Mommie Dearest”
Crawford.) But… WHATEVER. The best part of the day was when
Britney left the chambers in tears to use the restroom, and when an
Extra reporter asked her how she was doing, Britney responded
with THE T-shirt slogan of the century: “EAT IT, LICK IT, SNORT IT,
FUCK IT!” (Hilarious? Yes. But we don’t think she learned that from
the parenting coach.)

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 28 Sports! For those of you who care, some
baseball team from Boston called “The Red Sox,” won the World
Series… which we’re led to understand is supposed to be the
“big game” or something. But here’s the funny part! To show their
happiness and love for their team, 2,000 Boston fans turned over
cars, smashed windshields, lit fires in the streets, and
hurled rocks at riot police. Finally! An explanation of why the
Iraqis have been acting so weird—they must have won their own
World Series!