MONDAY, OCTOBER 29 Stop the presses! Oft-beleaguered pop
tartress Britney Spears actually received some good news this week—and no, it wasn’t that her STD tests came back
negative. Her brand-new album, appropriately entitled
Blackout, was released and zoomed to the top of the
charts. Naturally, to keep the universe in balance, Britney also needed
to receive some not-so-good news. As mentioned last week, she and
K-Fed’s “parenting coach” met with the judge last week to grade
Brit on her mommying skills… which… umm… left a bit to be
desired. According to the coach, Britney “rarely engaged with (her)
children in either conversation or play” during the monitored
visits. The coach also noted that her choices are not
“child-centered” and the activities Britney picks are “dependent
more on what [she] wants to do rather than what would be enjoyable for
children.” OH, COME ON!! She’s Britney Spears, and
she has the #1 ALBUM IN AMERICA, bitch! Besides, we think she’s making
very good choices by keeping the children away from certain
activities. For example? Two days after the judge restricted her
visitation rights, did she include the kids in her wild Hollywood party
wherein she allegedly let a guy snort cocaine off her chest (as
reported by WENN)? NO SHE DID NOT. She only lets her boys snort FAKE
cocaine off her chest. (BTW, as far as “child-centered activities” go,
that sure beats Hot Wheels.)

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 30 Okay, Michael Richards, Isaiah
Washington, and Alec Baldwin, you’re off the hook… for
now. There’s a new derogatory epithet slinger in town, and his name is
Dog the Bounty Hunter! For those who refuse to partake in
ridiculous reality TV shows, “Dog” is a Hawaii-based bounty hunter
whose exploits are documented weekly on the A&E network. However,
Dog’s true doggy nature was revealed when the National Enquirer leaked a recorded phone conversation between himself and his son
Tucker (who has a black girlfriend), in which Dog dropped the
“n-bomb” numerous times. Here’s a clip of the convo: “I’m not
taking a chance… not because she’s black but because we use the
word n***er sometimes here. I’m not going to take any chance ever
in my life of losing everything I’ve worked for 30 years because some
drunken n***er heard us say n***er and turned us in to
the Enquirer magazine.” IRONY ALERT! Notice how getting “turned
in to” the Enquirer is exactly what happened? Anyway, now Dog is
trying to convince us that he really, really likes… you know…
those people. “I have the utmost respect and aloha for
black people who have suffered so much due to racial discrimination and
acts of hatred,” Dog said in a press release. “I was disappointed in
[my son’s] choice of a friend—not due to her race, but her
character.” Ah… if only everyone could emulate the stellar
character of this racist bounty hunter. Instead of saying “n***er,”
just stick with “aloha,” Dog.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 31 It’s Halloween! And while we
were showing off our “Sexy Cancer Patient” costume, Hollyweird was
trotting out their best trick-or-treating finery! Paris Hilton showed a rare glimpse of self-awareness when she dressed up in a
black-and-white striped prisoner’s outfit (with “Jail Bait”
stenciled across the ass). The most grotesquely cute couple award goes
to recently divorced mommy Reese Witherspoon (dressed as a
witch) and new boytoy Jake Gyllenhaal (in an ape costume),
trick-or-treating with her kids in the posh Brentwood
neighborhood—holding hands and occasionally stopping to smooch.
Get a room, you two… preferably in a haunted mansion. Britney? Oh, she dressed as a whore—in a sombrero. But the most creative
costume of the night had to go to cyclist Lance Armstrong who
disguised his missing testicle as an Olsen Twin. (Wait… oh,
that wasn’t a disguise? He’s actually dating and rubbing up
against Ashley Olsen in public? One Day at a Time regrets both
the error, and that sickening image in our head.)

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 1 Here’s a story that will warm your
heart: A jury has ordered the anti-gay Westboro Baptist
Church (known for their classy catchphrase “God hates fags”) to
pay $10.9 million in damages to the family of a US Marine, after
church members cheered at his funeral. Apparently, the church
was protesting the funeral of Marine Lance Cpl. Matthew Snyder (who died in Iraq), saying that “his death was God’s punishment of
America for tolerating homosexuality.” Uh… yeah. We don’t get it
either. Regardless, the group cheered during the ceremony, and held up
signs saying, “You’re going to hell,” and “God hates you.” Now,
according to his parents, Matthew Snyder wasn’t even gay… but that’s
kind of beside the point, isn’t it? All we need to know or understand
is that these Bible-thumping assholes will be paying out the nose for
their homophobia, and that God is probably holding up a sign that says,
“Actually, it’s Westboro Church that I hate.”

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 2 Today Heather Mills, the one-legged
horse-faced ex-wife of washed-up former Beatle Paul McCartney,
threatened to release “incredibly explosive” recordings that,
supposedly, contain details about McCartney’s infidelity, drug abuse,
penchant for domestic violence, and his sex life. (Altogether now:
Ewwwwww.) Recorded when McCartney and Mills were in
therapy, Mills promises that the tapes are so revealing that she fears
for her life should they be released! But never fear: “I have a box of
evidence that’s going to a certain person should anything happen to
me,” Mills threatened. “So if you top me off, the truth will come out.”
The only flaw in Mills’ plan? That no one, at all, anywhere, still
gives two shits about Paul McCartney, the Beatles, or especially Heather Mills. Yick. Just typing this paragraph made us feel like we’d
washed down three Ambiens with a box of Franzia.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 3 Despite having a name that’s impossible
to correctly spell or pronounce, adorable Transformers actor
Shia LaBeouf still managed to get it into a police report. Today
the 21-year-old drunkenly broke into a Chicago Walgreens,
with Us magazine reporting that LaBeouf “ignored repeated
requests from a security guard to leave the store.” Matters weren’t
helped when the bewildered LaBeouf used his one phone call to ask
Optimus Prime to come down to the station and bail him out.
Prime has yet to return LaBeouf’s voicemail. MEANWHILE… So. Remember when Owen Wilson tried to kill himself a little
while ago? And we all hoped that he’d recover and get back on track
soon? Well, according to the Daily News, Owen’s been seen
canoodling with Jessica Simpson. Somebody call the suicide
hotline.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 4 Speaking of Jessica Simpson, never
let it be said that we here at One Day at a Time think all Hollywood
starlets are stupid. Some are quite poised and bright! Like… ah…
um. Just give us one sec. Anyhoo, while we’re thinking, did you hear
about Katie Holmes running the New York City Marathon?
Surrounded by a creepy plainclothes security detail, Katie finished the
marathon in about five and a half hours, with the terrifyingly
Scientological Tom Cruise and their doomed daughter,
Suri, cheering her on at the finish line. Well, there goes our
theory that Tom broke both of Katie’s legs to prevent his child bride
from escaping his clutches. Now, at least, we know that she
could run away if she wanted to—she just isn’t intelligent
enough to run in the right direction. So yes, actually. We take it
back. All Hollywood starlets are stupid.